The first exercise brings me to Psalm 139 and asks me, What is God creating you for?
That Psalm closes with a prayer: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Lee has been lovely the last few days, since our date night. It's as if he read my last blog post and decided to try harder to be sweet. Of course he didn't read my post. We had a good date night, and afterwards, unprompted, he said that he was so often tired when he got home from work, and he needed to spend time with the kids, and he acknowledged that marriage went by the wayside. He also said that he wanted to get another dog. (Ha.)
Speaking of the dog, I've been rigid about sticking to my "I'm not taking care of it" pledge. This has been a means of self-protection. He takes advantage of me and my need to check things off to-do lists. I didn't want to allow him to wear me down, to give in, and suddenly I'm finding myself as the primary caretaker for the dog as well as the children.
That said, my inflexibility has angered Lee, left him feeling open to attack. Hunter has had problem upon problem, and I've refused to help. I think I need to relent. Today I will offer to pick up the flea shampoo at PetSmart.
Back to the questions: What is God creating you for? What does God particularly enjoy about this creation? What tasks has God put before you in life?
I'm not sure. I don't know. But I feel I am being softened. I long to be kinder, more loving, more of a gentle force for good. I want to focus more on my children, to help them through the daily challenges of growing up. Yesterday they could have used my help and attention as they fought over Papi packages (waited all day and then the package was for Isabel, resulting in Lily's tears).
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Here I imagine God testing me in these small ways, knowing my anxious thoughts.
Lord, I pray that you would lead the way, lead my way. I long to feel your presence, to stop talking about you and to speak with you. I pray for confirmation that you are there.
In your son's name I pray.
Amen
