Impending Christmas

Dad, Mom and Sara are here, have been for a week now. The time has flown by. Isabel and Lily are so happy, taking in all the Christmas stimuli. Mom took Isabel and Sara to the Nutcracker yesterday, and Mom described Isabel as "enchanted."

I am enchanted by my children. Words can't capture it. And grateful for Mom, who is a whirling dervish of efficiency and activity. She's organized everything, and cleaned the house, and planned and cooked meals, and nurtured my children, and took my outlet shopping, and will even hem the pants she bought me. She is a blessing.

Dad went around the house, fixing things. My desk, various overhead lights, my necklace. He handled AT&T when the cable went out. All this care is overwhelming. I'm not accustomed to it.

Lord, in the midst of all this blessing I dwell on the negative. Sara's brought a nasty cold into our house, and I worry that my girls will wake up with it on Christmas morning, ruining everything. Lee has been gracious with my family, but distant with me, and I continue to be frustrated by his attitude (all the while knowing that my own attitude fuels his bad one, and that I am not in a position to judge). 


1 Peter encourages me to love others deeply, and I'm not feeling it naturally. I pray that You will fill me with Your love. To accept my marriage as it is, while discerning ways to make it better. Show me how to make it better. I just want to pray that You will change Lee, and I know that's not how it works. So show me how it works. Please work in my marriage to make it better, however You see to do it. I lean on You. Resentment doesn't help, but love without accountability makes me feel like a pansy, a doormat. Show me the way, or better yet, Lord, just step in please! Supernatural help!


I pray that Sara will feel better and that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In your son's name I pray, Amen.

Ongoing prayers

Here's one of the Scripture verses I'll be memorizing next time for Next Generation Mentoring:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

The secret, of course, is being seeped in God's word, so that His guidance is fresh in your mind at all times. For me that means being reminded that He is the all-powerful Creator of everything, that nothing happens outside of His purview, and that this omnipotent Lord loves me beyond comprehension. I am not just me, waking up and making my way through the day. I am God's child; He is present with me at every moment and working behind the scenes, invisibly, to guide me in how to live the life He's carefully planned for me.

Lord, I have been praying for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am beginning to doubt that this is going to happen. We are closing in on January, and so far, nothing. Is this because I'm making You up? That's unlikely, because it would mean that millions of people, over hundreds of generations, have been fooled by some quacks who wrote a fiction we've come to call the Bible. With so many believers, for such a long time, Your existence is at least highly possible, or even probable. Either way, I continue typing, speaking to You as if You are listening. I am assuming--willing myself to believe--that You exist, and that You are listening. That what I just wrote above is true.


Maybe the issue is that You are there, but that I got it wrong back in September, when I felt led to began praying this prayer for Sara? It's not February 5 yet, so it's premature for me to be running through these options. For the time being, I can go on believing that my prayer will be answered.


Please, please direct me in my next step, professionally. I long to earn my keep in Your service. Show me what You have for me, please. Lee, my mom, my dad--soon they'll want to know how I'm going to start bringing in more money. I want to do it Your way, Lord. What is Your way? 


I am still debating when to send Lily to kindergarten. I am waiting on Your guidance. 


I don't know what conflicts/resentments might arise over the next week with family in town for Christmas. Nor do I know about any opportunities that may arise. I am asking now, before anything happens, that You quiet my spirit and give me the words and the actions I need to be a peacemaker.


Please, please watch over and protect my sweet, precious children. I am most grateful for them. 


In your son's name I pray, Amen.

Finances, Again.

Once again, I am at a loss in terms of finances. Lee and I went to see a great financial expert, Bobby Cremins, who we've hired to be our family's "CFO." He'll help with budgeting, paying down debt, saving, etc. But before we start, Lee wants a Mac Book and an Ipad. He asked Bobby Cremins if he could spend $1200. I thought for sure Bobby would tell him he should strongly consider whether or not he needs the computer, since we have a lot of bills to pay. But Bobby wrote back that if he needs the computer, he might as well go ahead and buy it now so he can take a tax deduction.

Mom and Dad said they would buy us an Ipad. Very generous! But Lee still wants the computer. He wants both the computer AND the Ipad. They are two different beasts, he said. They do two different things. Fine, but do we really need both? I feel like Lee wants these expensive things, and he convinces himself that he NEEDS them. And I hate that it's somehow my job to point this out. I don't want that to be my job. I was hoping Bobby Cremins would help in that area. But that was naive of me. Bobby can't get inside Lee's head and guide him about "wants versus needs." For that matter, he can't get inside my head either. Maybe it IS necessary to get both an Mac Book and an Ipad. What do I know?

Lord, I think I'm right. Of course I think I'm right. I'm the saver, the hoarder. I want protection, security. I can't see beyond my own view of this situation, which is that we should take care of our outstanding bills before we spend more. I cannot get around this. 


I want to be Lee's helper. You've commissioned me to be Lee's helper. How do I help? What is my next move here? What do I do if Lee digs in his heels? What if he resents me for being "manipulative," as he called it? How do I move forward? One side of me says, "Put your foot down." Another side says, "Be his helper." Of course the stronger voice is the "foot down" one! But is that the right voice?


Lord, I'm talking, talking, talking, and not listening. Please help me to quiet down and listen for Your wisdom.


I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011, and I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. In your son's name I pray. Amen

Truncated post

In my Isaiah reading I came to a famous passage this morning.

"You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"? (Isaiah 29:16)

Lily is lying on the floor behind me, writhing around and screaming, "I'm starving!" She wants me to make her pancakes, right as I'm beginning to meditate on this scripture. I will have to come back to this...

The mind of Christ

Here's a verse: "I have been given the mind of Christ." (1 Corinthians 2:16)

I am corresponding through email with a woman who is launching a Christian vintage/fashion magazine. It's high fashion, with hoped-for advertisers at the highest price points. Because it's a Christian magazine, it will not feature scantily clad models or profanity or articles about "alternative lifestyles." I want to be encouraging, but when she describes the idea, I think, "It's for Christians who are prudish about sex but not all that concerned about greed."

But who am I to judge? Lee thinks it's a wonderful idea. There are many, many extremely wealthy Christians out there. If they are able to give away 10% or more of their money and still have some left over to buy expensive shoes, what's wrong with that? I am uneasy about it, but that may be because I struggle with greed and a love of materialism myself. It affects me more than "sexual sin," so I'm more offended by it. It's also easy for me to poo-poo fashion, because I'm just not that interested in it.

But the last thing I want to do is discourage this woman, who says she has a real heart for this.

Lord, You say that "I have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to me by God." And that "I have been given the mind of Christ." I have been praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. I want to glorify You in my work, but I am also so selfish and judgmental! I want to write about You, but I don't want to take a pay cut. I am no better than the "greedy Christians" I shake my head at. But I also have the mind of Christ. I recognize what's right, even if I don't exactly embody it. I depend on You to give me the strength to take risks. I don't know what that means yet, though.


I pray for my family's safe travel this week. I pray for a spirit of peace and calm over us these next two weeks, as we live together and interact with one another. I pray that You'll show me how to be a peacemaker and give me the patience to do it. I pray that You will keep me calm as I figure out how to get everything done.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. 


Please protect us from illness. Thank you for...everything.

Next Generation Mentoring: Session 4

In Classic Christianity, the book I'm reading for Next Generation Mentoring, the author urges Christians to "offer yourself to God without reserve." I am charged with "placing myself and my life in His hands to do with as He pleases."

What is God pleased to do with me? I've focused on two areas this month. One is my professional life. I long to write about something of lasting value. No doubt the Lord wants all of his children to grow in spiritual maturity. One way is through reading books, magazines, etc. that help focus the reader on God. This is my field; it's something I could do, even excel at. So I am waiting patiently on the Lord to see what He has in mind. Financial issues are still a roadblock at the moment--not to mention busyness. But I don't have to worry about that. I am placing myself and my life in His hands to do with as He pleases. That means I don't have to scurry around, trying to make something happen. God will make what He wants to happen happen.

Since I began praying that God would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies him by 2011, I've received two emails from Christians in the magazine business. One was my old friend, Ansley, who's now the religion editor at beliefnet.com. And the other came yesterday, from a friend of a friend who's now living in Atlanta and is in the early stages of launching a Christian women's magazine. She said she was praying about it, and my name came to mind.

I have no idea how God will answer my prayer to change the course of my writing and to focus it on things above. But I am expecting that whatever it is He has for me, I will recognize it. Right now all I have to do is acknowledge this prayer and wait, expectantly. He knows that I need a steady income, and that my family counts on me to supplement Lee's paycheck. And I know that He might not answer the prayer in a way that I expect. Open-minded, I sit tight.

The second area I've focused on this month is the idea of taking a child into our home. It's something that I've considered off and on for years. I recently read the book, Radical, by David Platt, and it got me thinking about the idea again. In the book, Platt suggests something very damning about modern-day Christians. One hundred and fifty years ago, many self-professed Christians were slave owners. Though they were committed to Christ, they had a blind spot in this area.

Platt suggests that today, we have a blind spot as well. He cites a statistic that if you earn $50K a year or more, you are wealthier than 99% of the world's inhabitants. One hundred and fifty years from now, Platt asks, will Christians look back at us and wonder how Christians could have allowed such a contrast in wealth? We live in comfortable homes, own two cars per family, and spend money on vacations and our children's enrichment. Meanwhile, God's "widows and orphans" are wasting away from poverty and disease, worldwide.

Naturally, Platt hopes that Christians will give more of their money away. But he also discusses other ways to live more "radically" for Christ, and among them he names...taking in a child. Since this is something I was already praying about, my ears pricked up. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I put a lot of thought into the idea, and even mentioned this far-fetched idea to my Uncle Jay. He said, "God will let you know."

So I am turning this over to Christ as well. I know that it would be have to be a supernatural appointment, because it's highly unlikely that this would fall into place. Lee told me that he was open to it, but that he didn't think we could handle an older, foster child who would naturally arrive with emotional problems. He's probably right. But those are really the children who need adopting. Long waiting lists are already full of couples waiting for healthy babies to adopt, both here and around the world. So I'm not sure how that would be serving Christ.

Serving Christ would mean taking in a child that others didn't want--one with special needs or expensive medical ailments. Does this entice me? Not in the least. And this is where Classic Christianity leaves me on the curb. George writes that we are meant to place ourselves and our lives in God's hands to do with as He pleases. What does he please for me to do? Surely it's more than volunteering in my daughter's kindergarten class and buying gifts to put on the school's "Giving Tree." I enjoy being a mother. I'm good at nurturing little ones. Is this an area where He wants more of me?

I don't know. But here's what I do know. God knows my selfishness. He knows my limits and my capacity to serve. Whatever He has in mind, He will move me into the situation He has for me, and He will move my heart to desire what He desires. I don't have to worry about this. I simply have to acknowledge that I've prayed about it, and then be open to what comes my way.

Lord, what's Your plan?

Lee has had a viscerally negative reaction to Steven Platt's book, Radical. Platt makes the point that 150 years ago, many Christians owned slaves. They were God-fearing in other ways, but this was a major blind spot. Platt fears that 150 years from now, Christians will look back at us and shake their heads at our own blind spot: the fact that we are aware that we're wealthier than 99% of the world, yet we allow the extreme imbalance to persist. Why aren't we cutting back on our pursuit for material possessions and working instead to help people living in abject poverty? Why aren't we caring for the orphans and widows, the sick and the needy? Sending our money, adopting abandoned children?

Lee is frustrated by Platt's guilt trip tactics. He points out that all economic classes--from the rich to the very poor--seek after material possessions. The idea of selling your house and giving most of your possessions to the poor is too simplistic, he says. Platt doesn't deal with the very real repercussions of not having a retirement fund, or of bringing a child with serious emotional problems into your home.


I agree with him, but the book convicted me in a milder way. I wouldn't sell my possessions and drain my retirement account--and God knows that. But I would consider taking a small step by bringing a child into my home. I don't think that adopting a toddler who needs parents is so radical. It satisfies my desire to serve God in a big way, to put my faith in Him with our finances. And it allows Lee to have that third child--which he wanted anyway. However, again this is up to God. Infertile couples wait for years to adopt. I'm not doing any big service to God by putting my name on an adoption list of healthy babies. On the other hand, God alone knows what I am capable of handling. Lee isn't ready to take on an older child, or one with special needs, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm not either.


Lord, the truth is that You alone know what You have for us to do. There may be a child already meant to join our family, and it may be that You have put this desire on my heart for that reason. Or it may be that I'm simply grieving the loss of my childrens' babyhood, and this is how I'm processing it. The decision is Yours, not mine. I'm making myself available, but I know that this has as much (or more) to do with Lee's walk with You as it does with mine.


Speaking of Lee, I pray for him. I pray that he will start sleeping better, that You'll fight off the depression that descends upon him. I pray that You will show me how I am meant to be his helper right now. It's my usual reaction to draw back when he gets depressed. 


Last night, he stayed up late buying songs for a Christmas music mix. He gave himself a $40 budget. I'd just been to the Scholastic Warehouse sale, where I painstaking kept my purchases--some Christmas gifts and enough birthday party gifts for several months--to a mere $75. Hearing Lee throw away $40 so easily on something we don't really need (although I'm sure to his mind we needed it) was hard for me. I kept it to myself--I've learned to do that to avoid a fight. Last week, he went and bought golf shoes. He said, "I won't buy them if they're more than $40." Later, I saw the receipt. They were $60, and he spent another $15 on top of that for some other purchase. Again, I didn't say anything. Lord, I pray that things will turn around once we see the financial advisor.


Lord, show me how You would have me react. Am I supposed to hold Lee accountable? Or am I supposed to support him even when I feel he's wasting money? (And who says that what I feel is even right?) Am I being lazy or cowardly by not calling him on it? Lord, my prayer is that the financial advisor will be the one to hold Lee accountable, and that I can go back to just loving and supporting him.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011.


Amen

What does Revelation have to do with me?

This week's BSF focuses on the grand, sweeping horror and joy of Revelation times. It seems utterly distant from my life. It vaguely frightens me. The images are heart-stopping; on the other hand, I can just close the Bible and go back to reality. Could the words of Revelation be reality? It seems unlikely. But other words in the Bible--anything related to Jesus--ring true. How could this book be nestled right in there at the end?

From the BSF homework questions: "How does the defeat of death help you to live fearlessly today and to face the reality that you will someday die?" I'm worrying about kindergarten entrance age and Cyber Monday shopping, and this is asking me about facing the reality that I will someday die? Lord, You are here with me. What are You teaching me right now? I keep thinking about broadening my focus, seeing a bigger picture. I am caught up in the details--housecleaning, Christmas preparations, getting my dang post done. How do I look beyond all this? I get through "one day at a time," and "one hour at a time." I long to have a bigger plan. 


I long to have more meaningful work, to write about You. What should my next step be? Am I meant to go on waiting? I'm going to go on waiting. I second-guess myself at every turn. 


I pray for Sara that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am both hopeful and losing hope about this. But maybe that's just because I went so many days without praying. I'm going to disregard my own feelings and continue to ask for this.


Amen

Tired and Rushed But Still Here!

Isaiah 24: 16b-23

It's all about God's final punishment in the millenial days to come. "The earth reels like a drunkard, it sways like a hut in the wind; so heavy upon it is the guilt of its rebellion that it falls--never to rise again."

I know that I will be protected. But I am also heavy with guilt and rebellion, and I know that I don't deserve God's grace.

Lord, I'm asking now, what is it You have for me to do? Is there a child we're meant to adopt? I am going to let You tell me. Uncle Jay said, "He'll let you know." It's possible (probable?) that this is just a passing fancy, a manifestation of my feelings about my girls growing up so fast. Do I just want to hold onto another baby? Or are You preparing me to use my desire and ability to mother a child who needs it?


I have many people to pray for and no time to do it. I'm tired, with a lot to do. Please stay with me. Talk to me this day. I'm going to try to listen.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


Amen

Attempted Post

From the BSF notes: "God is close, powerful, and aware, not only of His historic people of Judah, but of all people of the world."

I've gone three days without prayer. But I am reading our latest book for Next Generation Mentoring. It's called Classic Christianity. The author's basic premise is that the gospel has two parts, and that most Christians are missing the second part. The first part is that God has forgiven us through Jesus' death on the cross. The second part is that we now have access to the Holy Spirit, which leads us to live God-directed lives.

The author points out that while He was on earth, Jesus was human. But He was so in tune with the Father through the Spirit, that He had God's power. The author cited several passages in which Jesus explained that He was doing His Father's will, that He could do nothing apart from the Father, and that the Father was in Him. Then the author exhorted readers to claim that same power for ourselves.

Unfortunately, he ended there, without giving any concrete examples of how to do this!

I have to go--I'll write more later!

Answered Prayer #2

Isaiah 24:1-6 describes the devastating times of the tribulation. The BSF questions ask: "How do you know this is certain?" I don't know it's certain. I don't know anything for certain. That's why I'm working to renew my mind each day, reading Scripture and praying. I'm trying to carry on a conversation with God, asking for things that are within His will, and then expecting them to be given to me. In this way, I am working on being certain.

Answered prayer number two came yesterday. Lee met with the financial advisor, and really liked him. He said he was a "cool guy, totally legit" and not an annoying Christian, either. Lee is on board with this guy's budgeting plan and wants to hire him to be our family CFO. This is wonderful. It could have gone south so easily. The guy could have been a nerd or a jerk. Lee could have had a bad feeling about him. But the opposite happened. Lee liked him. Answered prayer.

Lord, You know that I am skeptical about what exactly an answered prayer is. I prayed for Lee's meeting with the financial advisor to be a positive experience, and it was. I am grateful for that. Now I pray that Lee will follow through, sign up with this guy, meet with him again. I pray that Lee will open a local bank account. And I pray especially for us when we sit down and work out the nitty gritty stuff of the budget. I feel much more secure knowing that Lee is hiring a CFO!


Lord, Lily is on my heart. I pray for her to grow in confidence and kindness. I pray that she will know Your love for her. I pray that I will make the right decision about when to send her to kindergarten. I pray that she will learn the social skills that put people at ease and attract friends. I pray these things, just as I've prayed for them for Isabel.


Lord, Lee. Thank you for easing the tension between us. It's been a good week. I don't like getting less sleep, but it's not that much less, and I love it when he's back to his old self--gentle and kind. I pray for You to intervene in his sleep issues, whether that means healing them naturally or securing the right medicine. I pray for this expectantly.


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. 


Amen

The BSF notes ask this question: Is God the foundation of your hope and the strength of your life? Omartian's book says: When you have Jesus as ruler of your life, you will come to know Him as the one "who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" (Ephesians 3:20). And: God wants us to understand "what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe."

Lord, I don't experience Your power because I play it safe. I want to "step out in faith," as the saying goes. But what does that mean for me? How, exactly? Any Christian who isn't a hero is a pig. I want to be a real Christian, emptied of myself and filled with You. I don't want to be a pig! What does "stepping out in faith" mean for me? Should we be looking into fostering/adopting? Should I be putting more effort into Christian writing? Praying for what to write? I do pray right now, I ask You for what You would have me write/do. Scripture says over and over that You communicate with me. But how do I know which thoughts are just my thoughts? "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."


I pray for Lee's meeting with the financial advisor today. I pray that we will learn how to "honor the Lord with our wealth." This is still so hard. Lord, wealth to me is security. I pray that You will show me that You are my security. How, exactly? What should my next steps be?


I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray for these things expectantly. Am I testing You? Yes, but You invited me to. I need to know that You hear me. "Before they ask, I will answer them. While they are still speaking, I will hear them." I am still just hanging on by faith that You hear me. I am hanging on, Lord.


Please show me what to do about Lily's schooling. Please show me how to take care of Lee. Please protect my children today.


Amen

From the BSF notes today:
During Isaiah's time, "God was quietly looking on from His dwelling place, watching His purposes for the nations unfold. Have you wondered how your frenzied activities and desperate alliances look to God as He views them from His dwelling place? God spoke to His people through His prophets often to reawaken them to His intense interest in their lives...God is close, powerful, and aware, not only of His historic people, but of all people of the world."

Lord, You are close, powerful, aware--and intensely interested in my life. You answered my prayer for a church in an unexpected way. You have heard my other prayers, and You are delighted to answer them, too, in Your own way.


I keep taking the Lily-school decision back. Will You guide me in this, and then give me peace about it? You know how much I love her. Remind me please that You love her even more. I pray for Your hand in this--less of me, more of You. I pray for protection over both my children. Please watch over them, and guide them to desire You. Please make that the desire of their hearts, and then grant their desire. 


Things are better with Lee as I give him more of my time. I can see You making big changes in His life, and I am needed--I'm a key player--to make that happen. Keep working on my heart please! Putting my own needs aside is still so hard for me. Please continue to show me how, in serving him, I am bringing Your blessing on me, too. A strong Lee is what I need to grow stronger myself. From the BSF notes: "The scope of God's purpose is as inclusive as the entire universe and as specific as each individual and family."

I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray for this day, that You will fill me with Your spirit so that I can move into whatever it is You have for me to do. What do You have for me to do? I foresee only post-writing, house-cleaning, child-caring. Fill me with Your spirit, so I can see beyond that stuff!


Amen

Answered Prayer

What are the chances that we'd find a church where Lee's old acquaintance was just hired to be head pastor? And that that church is about a ten minute drive to our house, and has friendly people, and a contemporary service and other kids from Tritt?

Yesterday we visited church number 10. We had very low expectations, considering the inability of churches 1-9 to meet our specific needs. I was willing to settle, had in fact already tried to settle on Mt. Bethel. But after a few weeks, Lee recoiled from that place, refused to go back. So we tried one more new one, church number 10, East Minster Presbyterian. And learned that Tim O'Connell, Lee's old roommate in Baltimore (over ten years ago), is coming to be head pastor in six weeks. Lee was over the moon.

"God must be laughing his head off right now," he said. "This is why He was waiting to show us our church. I kept saying, 'I know God wouldn't bring us down here just to drop us off.'"

Lord, my stubborn heart. I want to believe that You are in this, that this is answered prayer. It is a crazy coincidence, right? And the timing is interesting--that this pastor would show up now, while we're still looking for a church. And it's close by, and the people are friendly. And of course it would be within Your will that You'd answer my prayer about finding a church. I did pray for it--I can scroll back in this blog and find posts when I asked.  


I feel relieved and grateful that we've found a good fit. I feel hopeful that Lee will get more involved at church, join a men's group, make Christian friends. Lord, this is my prayer. Is this what You're doing? Reaching out to Lee, pulling him toward You? So many of my own prayers would be answered, needs would be met, through Your reaching out to Lee. I married a Christian man, and this is one of the wonderful benefits--that he is open to You working in his life. 


Once again, I find that this is about Lee primarily, and through Your work in him You are working in me. He needs to be the strong, spiritual head of our household in order for me to thrive spiritually. We're meant to do great things together as a couple, as a family. I've been feeling stymied by Lee's spiritual rut. But of course You have the power to change everything, and I'm supposed to pray with expectation that You hear. "Before they ask, I will answer. While they are still speaking, I will hear." I pray for Lee's spiritual strengthening. I will continue to obey You through this morning discipline of prayer and bible study. I'll watch and wait to see how You move in Lee and in me.


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


Amen

To Do

Lord, I am scattered today and rushed. Please focus me on You. The BSF reading was Isaiah 14-1-8. More of Your sovereignty, wrath toward's Your peoples' enemies, and the general sense that everything is being orchestrated by You. Your over-arching goal: bringing Your people back to You.


I need bringing back today. I am falling into a rut. I want to focus on You. I know that You are God. It is You who made me and I am Yours (Psalm 100). My life doesn't feel magical, supernatural. It feels like a giant to-do list. 


To do:
Order vacuum cleaner bags, book cleaning service for Christmas, finish and mail passport application, begin Parents article revise, wash bedsheets, clean the basement, look after Lily, and various other tasks that will pop up as the day progresses. Where are You in all of this?


I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


Amen

Overcoming Evil With Good

Here's how God is communicating with me today: The BSF questions sent me to Romans 12:17-21. 


"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone...Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."


I'm not sure how this applies to what I'm sorting out in prayer right now. But I've been told that the Bible is a living text, that God speaks through it. And Romans 12:17-21 is where He's brought me today. 


Those verses imply a strength in character--a kind-heartedness which is not passive, but which is robust enough to overcome evil. Where is there evil around me? The tension in my marriage. The oppressiveness of financial issues. The ever-advancing procession of work deadlines, a new one each morning. My ailing teeth and the outrageous cost of fixing them! Children acting defiant. Housework.


"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." And based on what God's been teaching me over the last few weeks, the "good" comes from God's power, not mine. Obey Him in my marriage, and He will help. What does that look like? How exactly? Lord, please show me. Trust Him with my finances, and He will give me peace. "Do everything [including my iVillage job] without grumbling or arguing." (Phillipians 2:14)


Lord, I need You. I need to remember who You are--in charge of everything and in love with me. I'm waiting on You to give me the work You have for me to do. 


You know that my way of handling ailing relationships is to just let them slide away. It's my pattern, my means of self-preservation. But that's not an option in my marriage. I want to step up and "overcome evil with good." I love Lee, my best friend. He is kind and funny and loyal, and we have so much in common. He is a wonderful father and a gentle soul. That's just what I wanted in a husband! I am so grateful for him. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. I pray for You to intervene in his life. He needs to be healthier. I want him to cut out alcohol, leave the TV, tap back into his creative pursuits. I pray that he'll continue to flourish at work. I pray for his meeting today with the financial counselor. Make me into the wife he needs.


I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I'm feeling like it's not going to happen. I'm going to push that thought aside, and just trust You. You are my sovereign God, all-powerful and entirely benevolent. You love me despite my myriad faults. You are in charge. Who am I to question You? Where was I when You created the heavens and the earth? You've said in Scripture that You will grant anything I ask in Your name. Sara's spiritual awakening is in line with Your will. How could it not be? So I'm leaving that to You.


I pray for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen

Worry

I continue to worry about what to do with Lily's schooling. I have given the decision to God, and I keep taking it back. I had nearly made up my mind to hold her back after talking to a mother of a child in Lily's class who did it. But then I spoke to two other mothers (who aren't in this predicament) who didn't see the need to hold her. And the para pro in Isabel's classroom said that if Lily was ready academically, I shouldn't hold her. And of course there's the money--it will cost $3000 to keep her in pre K another year. But what really bothers me is the fact that I would be defying the standard age cut-off, imposing my own ideas about when Lily should start school. Who am I to do that?

Today the BSF homework sent me to Genesis 11:1-9, the story of the prideful and self-sufficient people of Babel. They built a tower to the heavens "so that we may make a name for ourselves." The BSF question: What type of attitude does Babylon signify? When and where in yourself do you have to look out for this type of attitude?

When I try to be self-sufficient, I end up frustrated and worried. Lord, please make this decision about Lily's schooling for me. I will try to stop thinking about it, but simply look for Your wisdom in this. Put the right answer in my head, and then please give me peace about it.


I pray for Lee, and for our relationship. He meets with the financial advisor tomorrow. I pray for Your help through this advisor. I pray for our Date Night on Saturday. Maybe through the homework questions I could get to the bottom of what I need to change. Mostly, I need You to change my heart towards him. I get so disappointed in the impassive way he often treats me that I lose sight of You and the fact that I'm ministering to him. 


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen

Changing My Thinking

"Surely God is my salvation," writes Isaiah in Chapter 12. "I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song."

An old editor acquaintance from Cosmo emailed to inquire who I was writing for these days, and whether I'd like an assignment. I replied yes and waited to hear back. Yesterday I got an email from her: "Jen, thanks so much for getting back to me.  We’ll keep you in mind, but unfortunately since you’re writing for Women’s Health a bunch (which is great and makes sense since the editors over there are the reason we used you at Cosmo!), it’s not likely we could use you since they’re a competitor.  But, keep in touch if that changes."


Now, I haven't written for Women's Health a bunch. I just got my first assignment for them within the last month. This would normally frustrate me: Freelance jobs are hard enough to come by without editors discounting you because you've written for another magazine. But because I've been in prayer about my professional life, I wasn't bothered by this. My reaction was, "Well, God has something for me, and this isn't it." Whatever He has is much more fulfilling than writing for Cosmo. I'm at peace about this--I know something better is coming, because I asked Him for it. As Isaiah said, "I will trust and not be afraid."


Lord, thank you for that certainty. Thank you for drawing me to Yourself for prayer, to hash things like this out before they even present themselves. I will not be tossed about by the winds--counting up professional disappointments. I have You to focus on.


I need to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life. My marriage. My relationship with family members. Please guide me to pray the way I should. It's so much more complicated when another person's in the mix. 


What does Lee need from me? What am I doing wrong? How can I help him? I feel stubborn, obstinate. I don't want to stay up late, past my bedtime, to hang out with him. I want my sleep. I want him to be healthier (less beer, less TV, more spiritual sustenance). But who am I to approach him about things like this? I am selfish--I won't even make time for him in my schedule. 


Lord, please turn my heart towards him. Make me want to make him happy, to yearn for it. I get my sustenance from You. I want to think of myself as Your instrument to nurture him, to help him to be all that he can be in You. I am weak and ineffectual on my own, and so full of sin. But You can pour Your Spirit into me, and change both of us. 


Talking to Sara is hard. She is so discouraged, dejected. I pray that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Only You can turn her life around. She so wants a husband and children. You know that. She isn't aware of You, and this makes her life so much harder. I don't know what to pray for her, so I'm just praying.


I pray for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. 


Amen

Outward/Inward

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day...So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Am I being renewed inwardly day by day? I'm not feeling that way these last few days. Lord, please fill me with Your Spirit. I don't want to give up, but I'm not feeling anything today--besides distracted. 


I pray for our church visit tomorrow. Our tenth attempt. Do I trust You that You're leading us? No. I feel like we're just bouncing around, trying to settle into places where we don't feel comfortable. In retrospect, will I look back and say, "God had a plan for us all along?" It doesn't feel that way. But I'm putting this forward for You now. I'm going to relax and just keep checking out new churches and not worry about it, because I am CHOOSING to believe that You have somewhere in mind for us.


I pray for Lee's visit this Thursday with the financial counselor. I want to grow closer to Lee through working out our finances. I want our finances to be something that brings us together, us against the world. I don't want to be lazy, to let him do everything. I want to trust him to lead, and to have enough understanding and knowledge that I can participate and help him. 


I pray for the situation with Lily's schooling. Do I send her to kindergarten next year, or do I wait? I'm still torn. Please show me what You want Lily to do. She is Yours. I'm just caring for her right now. What does her Heavenly Father want for her? If I knew that, I would have more peace about the decision. Will you communicate with me about this? I want to wait expectantly for your answer.


I pray for the upcoming trip to Virginia for Thanksgiving. Please guide me in being conscious of Lee's needs. And please, please alleviate the tension that descends over Lee when he's around my extended family. 


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen

Power

As I study God's word, the theme of the week appears to be God's power. For Next Generation Mentoring, we're reading The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. I found myself highlighting lots of verses in her first chapter, "The Power." I had just written my blog post about dreaming BIG, and this chapter confirmed and validated what I'd expressed. On page 17, she gives the verse I had in the back of my mind when I wrote it. "When you have Jesus as ruler of your life, you will come to know Him as the one 'who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us.' (Ephesians 3:20)"

I've long felt confused by what exactly the Holy Spirit is. Omartian helped when she suggested that "you recognize the Holy Spirit of God as the power of God, and that you ask God to empower you to move into all that He has for you."

And then I got to my BSF homework today, and it was all about the power of the Holy Spirit of God. We had to look up nine passages that told about the work of the Holy Spirit. The very first one was from Exodus, and it described how God empowers artists and craftsmen with their abilities. This correlates with what I blogged about yesterday. I want to stop writing from my own power. I want to throw myself to the side and let God write through me. The bible says that God communicates with us, and I want to believe that He's reading my blogs and answering me. Something along the lines of, "Yes, I do that. I will fill you with my Spirit, and let that Spirit write through you. See, here in Exodus I did that for the artistic craftsmen."

So...what next? My mind is still scattered. And I have other responsibilities (my TV post for iVillage) that I need to get to. I will say this: For the time being, I am waiting on the Lord. You have something for me to do. I await seeing You drop it in my lap by September 2011. I expect that You'll make it clear how I should proceed once it does. And I will feel peace about it.


In the meantime: Lee is meeting with the financial counselor on Thursday. He will not allow me to come. So, I am trusting that the counselor alone will see if/where we need to make changes. Lord, I pray that the financial counselor will be intuitive, bright and persuasive. I pray that Lee will be open to his advice. I pray that Lee will come home and tell me he wants me to be more involved, and that he'll make it easier. I pray that Lee will want to go over our finances together. I pray that I will receive Your spirit of wisdom--how to better understand finances and how to emotionally support and love Lee in even this area. Maybe I am not the one to hold him accountable. I would love to not be the one to hold him accountable! But I cannot feel peace while I feel like no one is doing it.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Yes, I am now simply phoning this prayer in. But that's because I'm in waiting mode. I'm waiting to see You. I am expecting it.  

Amen

Glory

I think I do want glory for myself more than I want to glorify God.

Question: Why do I want to write books?
Answer: Well, I am excited by a beautifully told story. I love it when I'm reading something magical, and a sense of awe washes over me. It lifts me up above the usual hum drum. I want to do that, to be the one who wrote it.
Question: But why?
Answer: Partly because I enjoy the process of creating something good. And partly because, like so many others, I want to make a name for myself. Selfishness.

But I am looking at myself through the filter of sin. When God looks at me, He sees promise, possibility. He sees all the good He could do through me--the messages He could convey. He sees the people who will relate to something that I wrote, who will learn something life-changing. He sees the people that He could reach through my work.

I wish that I could get out of my own way! Lord, I don't use You to move forward with my plans. You use me to move forward with Your plans. Please make me surrender my selfish self to You. I'm starting to feel stagnant, like I'm not moving forward. Like I only feel Your presence and Your power when I'm sitting here at the computer. When I get up, it goes away, and I'm on my own. 


People ask me, what are you going to do next, professionally? How will you use your time when the girls are in school full time? I feel a burden, a responsibility to do something worthwhile. But the most worthwhile use of my time is to do what the Lord leads me to do. What does that look like? I want to stop spinning my wheels, and just pray. Lord, I want the thing that You have for me to drop into my lap. I want to be able to recognize it when it does. That is my prayer, I'm officially praying it right now. I will look out for it, expectantly, between now and September 2011.


"Far too often people give up just before their breakthrough into the realm of answered prayer," writes Stormie Omartian in The Power of a Praying Woman. I'm going to keep going until I see something.

I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Amen

Dreaming BIG

Each morning as I get up and read the BSF scripture, I'm being reminded of what God wants:

"In that day [God's people] will no longer rely on him who struck them down but will truly rely on the Lord, the Holy One." (Isaiah 10:20)

I can do some things myself. But what I can do is so limited. I want to make a huge impact, dream BIG and see it all come together in some grand fashion that's beyond what I imagined. Yesterday I got an email out of the blue from an old friend, a Christian who's now working as an editor at Beliefnet. I got chills. Among the many religions and faith systems that Beliefnet encompasses, it has Christian writers, writing about Christian topics. Was God setting up the early stages of answering my prayer, to show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies Him?

Lord, I know nothing about what You have for me to do. I wait patiently for You to show me. I am chomping at the bit, but I am also gun shy because of my past failures. And because everything is always so hard--that's the way of this world. Even if, by my own strength, I could grab onto an opportunity to write about You, I could still fall flat on my face when it's time to write it. I've committed to helping Lee with our income stream, and that's what I'll continue to do. I'm not going to force my well-meaning ideas into existence. I'm going to wait and let You use me like a chess piece. This is the way it's meant to be: Like a chess piece, I move when You move me.


I thought yesterday about what it would be like to get a phone call from Sara telling me that she's started going to church, or even that she had a life-changing experience that's caused her to start relying on God. If You are there, if I am not praying to my computer but to a real person who is listening, then this is possible. I still wrestle with the idea that I'm being presumptuous in asking for this, like a spoiled brat who dares God to prove His existence. I want to stay humble, to bow before Him and plead for Sara, knowing my right place in relation to Him. I want her to know Him. Lord, I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5.


Amen

Doubt

This morning I'm hit with doubtful thoughts. The same old argument: Why is life so torturous for some, so easy for others? Why the disparity? Why so unfair?  In the OT, when God's people went their own way, they were heading for death and eternal suffering. The only way to avoid this fate was to turn back to Him. So God took extreme measures, killing thousands, to discipline his people and bring them back to Him. (Like in the passage I just read, Isaiah 10:28-34.) The question that flitted through my brain this morning: How did He choose which ones suffered and died for this reason, and which ones got to survive and learn from those other deaths?

It's a broken world, and injustice is part of that brokenness. God didn't create the injustice. I am to focus on my communion with God, which leads me to go out into the world and do everything I can to help those who are suffering. This is God's desire, spoken through Jesus in Scripture. This makes sense: God working through people to right wrongs, to care for those suffering the consequences of the Fall. It's unfair that some get to be the helpers while others have to be the sufferers. But that's part of the Fall, too.  God's not going to take away the suffering, or the injustice of who suffers and who doesn't. Instead, He instructs those who aren't suffering to alleviate the hardships of those who are.

If I'm not suffering, then I have to be a helper. I should not be focusing on the question, "Why is life so torturous for some, so easy for others?" I should be focusing on being a helper.

Lord, show me how to do this. To me, my blogging feels like a waste of time. It gets in the way. I could be volunteering. I could be writing more inspiring words, leading others to You. There are so many people out there who are suffering, truly suffering, and I want to help. I think about fostering a child. Our house is so big, and I am good at mothering. But I can't move forward in any changes in my life, because every day I'm called back to my computer to write a post about TV. 


But am I helping Lee through holding onto this steady income? Yes. My blogging helps Lee, gives him some peace of mind. You've joined me with Lee to be his helper. And the burden of having to make a living gets in everyone's way. I am blessed (and grateful!) that my one-blog-a-day job is all that I have to do. Thank you, Lord. Will you stretch my time? Make it easy to help others?


I pray for Sara, who has now allowed the bad-news-ex-boyfriend to extend his stay at her apartment for a month. Dad, of course, is up in arms. He forgets that he has You to call on for help. But I remember You. I remember that I've asked You to intervene in Sara's life, for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5. 


I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray also for Lee, that You will remind him to follow through on taking care of our finances this week, and that You will comfort him and give him the confidence he needs at work. I pray for Your protection over my precious, precious, precious children, who are Your gift to me. Oh how I love them!


In Your son's name I pray, Amen.

Make it easy.

The theme of today's BSF lesson, again, is that God will do the work for you--make it easy to serve and delight in Him--if only you believe in Him. Through Isaiah, he tells the people that He will direct His wrath to their enemy Assyria's destruction. Isaiah 10:25-26: "The Lord Almighty will lash them with a whip, as when he struck down Midian at the rock of Oreb; and he will raise his staff over the waters, as he did in Egypt." (He fought Gideon's battle for him at Midian, and he parted the Red Sea for Moses.)


This is what I want, of course. For God to make it easy. After the Next Generation Mentoring retreat, I told a friend that I wished Lee was in a Christian program like this one. That way, we could both be learning about God, and both be applying what we learned to our marriage. Instead of it just being me. She agreed that she'd like that for her marriage, too. "But that's not the world I live in," she said, a little bitterly. 


God is saying: Trust in Him, and He'll make it easy. How does that apply here? What I see, what I'm dealing with, is so limited. I want to change my life, be a better wife, but I feel limited by finances, limited by my own selfishness, and limited by Lee, who's not working on his end of things, as far as I know. 


God says trust in Him, and He'll fight the battle. Jesus Christ, who is even now sitting on His throne, intervenes in our lives through the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:30-36). My part in this is: Trust Him. 


Lord, I even need You to help me with trusting You. I need You to remind me of this concept, and then help me to believe it. I want to hand my marriage, my finances over to You. I pray that You will bless Lee. I also hand over Sara, who I pray will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen

Discipline

My BSF homework brought me to Galatians 6:1-4.

"If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else."

I stayed up an extra 45 minutes last night and watched the World Series with Lee. It was nice. We are friends, he and I, well suited for one another. His spirit was gentle; he didn't contradict everything I said. I felt a natural ease with him. This is how it used to be between us.

I am uncertain of my role as a wife. I am to support him, love and care for him, yes. But I am the only person he shows his true face to. He is so surly with me. When I call him on it, I am deluged with all his vague inklings of ways I've failed to support him. I've deeply disappointed him in my failure to support him, but I truly feel that this is an unfair assessment. He is the one acting surly. For goodness' sake, at least I'm cordial.

Is it up to me to "restore him gently" when he takes his eyes off of God? Who else will do it? I like the Galatians passage, because after that advice, it immediately jumps to "test your own actions." This is my natural thinking. I am so keenly aware of my own sinfulness (and I know he is, too) that I don't feel I've earned the right to hold Lee accountable for his.

I think the key here is "carry each other's burdens." That is the phrase I need to concentrate on. Lord, show me how to help Lee to carry his burdens. Show me ways to do it, and make me want to do it. Through Your power, I can stop being selfish, and start loving him better.


I want to change my whole life. The way I'm living now: I spend hours at my computer, working to earn money to pay for things like cable TV. While I am working, the children watch the TV. I wish I could use this time to teach them, play with them, and expand their horizons. But I am working so that we can have TV so that they can watch TV while I work. Crazy. Sad and crazy.


If I didn't work, then we wouldn't be able to pay for the TV. I would spend time with the kids instead. Is it that simple? No. If I wasn't working, I would have to spend a lot of time figuring out how to buy groceries and clothes, etc. with our limited resources. I would miss writing, probably. And Lee would be very resistant to anything of this sort.


Lord, I am rushed today. I pour all these concerns out before You. And yet I don't have time to sit quietly and meditate on what You have to say about it. (The most important part of prayer!!!) I pray that You will communicate with me anyway, somehow, this day and this weekend.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Lee and I were talking last night about the fact that there are lots of Christians in Southern California. She is surrounded by Christians.


I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011. You can change my life. I am waiting expectantly for You to do it.


Amen

Power and control

Today's BSF passage is Isaiah 10:5-15. The king of Assyria lays siege to several nations, including Israel. "By the strength of my hand I have done this," he says. "And by my wisdom, because I have understanding, I removed the boundaries of nations...Like a mighty one, I subdued their kings."

We get to see what is really happening. Ironically, the truth is that the king of Assyria is nothing more than a tool in God's hands. The Lord is using him to discipline His people. The king thinks of himself as "a mighty one," when in actuality he's God's whipping boy. He can't see that, of course, because God is silent and invisible. He also can't see his future: "When the Lord has finished all his work against Mount Zion and Jerusalem, he will say 'I will punish the king of Assyria for the willful pride of his heart and the haughty look in his eyes.'"

This reminds me of Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

Lord, this is what I'm learning. I have been neglecting Lee, and Lee has been neglecting me. This has been an easy pattern for us to fall into. We were both single for so long. I'm more than happy to let him neglect me, because it allows me to focus on myself, which is when I'm most comfortable.


We had a very hard talk about finances. He got his back up. He doesn't want me to go with him to see a financial consultant, because he thinks the financial consultant will take my side. He doesn't specify what issue he means, but we both know it has to do with saving for the future and restricting current spending.

He keeps spending. UPS and Fedex trucks stop outside the house and deliver a new mouse for the computer, or some software, or whatever. (His side: He wants so much more than what he actually allows himself.) Meanwhile, I try to limit my spending to groceries and things for the kids. I get their clothes through consignment. I give the bare minimum to the PTA. Meanwhile,  I want, I want, I want. I want to hire a house cleaning service occasionally. But I mostly want to feel secure. I want an emergency fund and a college savings plan and retirement money. I want to scale back on my iVillage writing. (Lee said no.) I want to write something that glorifies God, to stop writing about stupid TV. Of course, I also want to glorify selfish me. I want, I want, I want.

I know that Lee is right: The financial guy would probably side with me. Our last financial guy sided with me on issues of saving and spending. Lee won't go to see this new one if I am there. He doesn't want to be ganged up on. So I agreed to let him go alone. I agreed to give him the power. I said, "I will let you be in charge of creating the budget--I won't even come to meet the finances guy--as long as I know you will run your ideas by someone who does this for a living."

Am I being stupid? Am I being lazy? Am I being too trusting? Or am I being a good wife to Lee by allowing him to do this, allowing him to be the head of the household? This is what I'm wrestling with.

The idea that the Lord put before me this morning was to "lean not on my own understanding." He is silent and invisible, but He is in this with me. What does that mean? Am I "leaning not on my own understanding" by allowing Lee to take over the budget? Or am I using this as an excuse to withdraw?

Lord, I'm putting these questions to You. You alone are sovereign, perfectly wise and compassionate. I'm just a grab bag of sin, and so is Lee. What next? I will take this one step at a time. Pass the financial guy's contact info to Lee, gently encourage him to call and set something up. See what happens. Will you show me how to trust in You in this?

I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. 

Amen

Giddy Up Gideon

This morning I got more confirmation that it's Your good pleasure to give me a sign that You are here. In Judges 6, the Lord summoned Gideon to fight for Israel. Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me." Then, in a supernatural display before Gideon's eyes, the Lord accepted Gideon's offering of bread, meat and broth on the rock. Then he sent Gideon out to serve Him, and the Lord made Gideon's service easy. 


From my BSF notes:
"Gideon, with only a handful of warriors, was strengthened by the Lord to bring deliverance to Israel [in battle]. But Gideon and his warriors stood still and watched as God brought the deliverance to Israel."

"To move forward in faith, one must look back and see God's past faithfulness and might to His ancient covenant people. Gideon's experience exhibited a wonderful display of the divine power of God on behalf of His people with very little human skill or intervention."

Lord, I am standing still and watching as You enter into Sara's life, because I asked You to, and You've said over and over that You keep your promises. She's sinking in disappointment, overwhelmed by her circumstances. But I pray that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am expecting this to happen.


Lord, I want, I want, I want. Selfish as ever. But the things I want are more in line with Your will, I think. So that's a start. You love me and meet me where I am.


Lily is here with me, not letting me fully engage in my time with God, testing her boundaries.

Lord, I don't want to do this iVillage blogging job anymore. I'd like to sit down with Lee and write a budget that we can stick to. A budget that allows me to forgo this extra $1000 a month that I get for writing meaningless posts about TV. But we are already struggling financially. Seven years into marriage, we fail in this area over and over again. 


I want to be more purposeful about work and money. In the meantime, I can try to be purposeful in the posts that I write. I can write them with a gentle spirit. I can let You guide me as I write them. But what I really want is to write something more meaningful.


Lord, I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. 


My day today: Lily fed, dressed, off to school. Post to write. I MUST do my American Baby revise today. I MUST buy tights for their costumes today. I want to get to the clothing sorting that I keep putting off. Dinner--shopping for it and making it. Buy food. Arrange play dates. Look into GA public preschools. What else?

Lord, please bless my day and show me people who need care. Amen

God's promises to me

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. [James 4:8]
It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. [Luke 12:32]
Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. [John 16:24]


Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. [Hebrews 10:23]

I talked to Sara last night. She's angry at Dad for his overbearing concern about Mike. (She's taken this no-good ex-boyfriend in, because he says he has nowhere else to go.) Lord, I don't know what to counsel her. I want her to be rid of him. But then I want so many things for her. My inclination was to be quiet, and not to tell her that I agree with Dad. Lord, how can I counsel her? She said that she's going on the "flat belly diet" and doing yoga to prepare for our cruise--so that she'll be thin by February 5. "February 5! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited!" I cried. But of course I'm excited for that date because of my prayer. Lord, I'm excited about February 5 because without wavering I am holding fast to the confession of my hope: that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by that date. For You are faithful. You didn't promise this to me specifically, but you did say: "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."


You also said it is Your good pleasure to give me the kingdom. Whatever my motives may be, I press on in praying that you will give me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. 


Lord, I want to quit my iVillage blogging job. But then we won't have a steady stream of income from me, and I don't think I could get Lee to find places to cut back in our expenses. We still haven't paid off our move; it's still on the Amex, month after month, accumulating interest. But I feel like this daily writing exercise has become worthless. I may be wrong. I'm often wrong! I just think I'm not making enough money from it to justify the time it steals from my day. Lord, what do You say about this?


Lord, please show me what Lee needs today. The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. Don't let me fall back into old patterns, though I really want to fall back into old patterns. Change my desires--make them in line with Yours, please, please, please!


I have BSF today, another post to write, still haven't gotten to the American Baby article revise. Still have to buy tights for their costumes. Figure out dinner and buy food. Three loads of laundry. Mom's birthday gift. Organize the clothes--Isabel's, Lily's, mine. Still haven't talked to Melanie. Please bless my day. Use me in Your work today. Amen.

Lord, I'm feeling rushed today. I keep thinking about everything I need to do. I don't think I'll be able to meditate on Your word unless I get this list out.


Get Lily off to school, figure out dinner, buy food, buy tights for their costumes, find something to write about for today's post, then write today's post, revise American Baby magazine story, fill out W-9 form for Parents magazine, call Mom for her birthday, make time for Dad when he calls me, talk to Melanie about her concerns, deposit checks, write thank you notes,  clean off my desk, buy book for my Kindle, sort through the kids' clothes, send off the ones I'm swapping, organize my own clothes, pick up Lily and spend time with her, find an Accelerated Reading book for Isabel and read it with her, Isabel's homework...

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him...Through God's promises you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. (1 Peter 1:3-4)

Lord, I want to participate in Your divine nature and escape that anxious, rushed feeling. I want to move calmly through this day, one thing at a time, and be flexible to stop and care for others who You might put in my path. Put others in my path today, Lord. Show me how to care for them. 


I ask for this, but I don't really want it. I want to get through my to-do list. But I've seen how You work. You make serving You easy by giving me the desire to do it. You give me "everything I need for life and godliness," and that includes wanting to be loving.


I want to be more thoughtful towards Lee. With all those to-do list items above, it looks like another day of NOT being thoughtful--purposeful--about loving him. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. But I know that You can give me the desire to love him better. You will show me ways to do it. I'm asking for it, and I will expect this from You. I can escape my own sinful self and focus on being Yours, because You will make me want to do it.  


I just want to be filled up with Your spirit, and not even acknowledge my own. I want my own spirit to take a hike.


I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with You by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011. I expect these things to happen, because I believe that You are real, and You hear me right now. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible in so many ways. But I know You love me. You are real and here with me. You have great, enormous, immense power to change me. You have to do it for me, Lord. I'm just going to keep reading Your word and typing. I beg You to be with me. Amen

Light

My BSF homework led me to John:1-9. Verse 9 says, "The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world."

My retreat for Next Generation Mentoring is this weekend. We'll be sharing our testimonies. In my testimony, I wrote about being "enlightened." Life is not different, and I'm not different, since becoming a Christian. But I can now see a greater truth, a simple fact concerning what it's all about, and that does give me immense comfort. I didn't have that comfort before. Just shedding light on that truth has made a big difference in my life.

I don't have time to sit quietly before the Lord today. I have to take Isabel to school. Lord, please be with me anyway! (I know You will.) Talk to me through my day. Show me what You would have me see and know and do today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for my family.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen

Happy Birthday to me.

I am 40 today. Yesterday I mentioned that I was turning 40 to two women--one at BSF and the other was Michele Bauer. Both had already turned 40 (Michele just turned 42), and that actually comforted me. We are all getting older. I am grateful to still be here!

Lord, I want to be here for my children as they grow up. This is in Your hands, not mine, but I still ask You for that blessing. In my first 40 years, I have learned about You. In the rest of my time, I want to walk with You, enjoy Your presence and share in Your glory. As David said, "One thing I ask of the Lord--the thing that I seek after--is to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to inquire in His temple."


Two people came to my mind during my bible study today. First Sara, then Lily. The passage was Isaiah 8:19-22. "When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God?...If they do not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn."

In her sadness and desperation, Sara consults psychics from time to time. I don't blame her. But...
Lord, I pray that Sara will have some kind of experience with Jesus Christ by February 5. I pray that she'll find peace that only You can provide. I pray that You will bless her. I pray that You will guide her towards love. 


One of the BSF homework questions was "Where have you sought guidance today?" I'm trying to figure out whether to hold Lily back, because of her July birthday. I've sought guidance from her teachers and from several mothers. I haven't come away feeling like anyone's given me a definitive answer. Only God knows what's best for Lily. Lord, please show me what You have in mind for Lily. She is Your child; I am only her caretaker. I want to hold her back, but I am also wavering about it. She does make the cut-off. I can go around and around in circles here. Will you make this clear for me?


I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.


I pray for today, for our family's time together at the restaurant, celebrating my birthday. I am going to celebrate the fact that I am still here, and that You are faithful. Please bless us today and always. Amen

Isabel and Lily

Today during my quiet time I'm thinking about Isabel and Lily, and the fact that I'd like to start having a little time of devotion with them each day. I went online to see if I could find a Christian workbook that we could work our way through, but I got lost in a quagmire of options. It's a sure way to lose precious time--and this is my most precious time of the day. That's frustrating. But I did find a workbook that might be good for Isabel at some point. Not Lily yet.

It's called "Praying in Color: Kids Edition." You are encouraged to draw your prayers, like "draw the things you are grateful for," etc. Isabel would like that. But first I still need to find a devotional workbook with fun, short, easy Bible lessons. I was hoping we could do a lesson while Hannah is here for a play date on Thursday. Lord, if that's what You have in mind for Thursday's play date, please show me the way.


My day is before me. BSF, a celeb phone interview, parent-teacher conference with Mrs. Crandall, playdate at Michele Bauer's house (Lily/Audrey), an iVillage post. It's my last day in my thirties. Tomorrow, I turn 40. Lord, I give all of this to You. Will You speak to me today?


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus before February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011.


Show me your sovereignty and your glory today, Lord. Amen

The one thing I ask of the Lord

The one thing I ask of the Lord, the thing I seek after, is to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to inquire in His temple.  --Psalm 27:4


I've been faithful about my morning quiet times for three weeks now, and I've already seen a difference in my thinking. I'm more hopeful. I'm not "walking with the Lord," as they say. But I'm hungry for more.

I want Him to grant me my prayer request--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by Feb. 5--so that I can have something to hang my hat on, spiritually. So clearly, I'm not in a mature spiritual place yet! This morning I realized that I'd promised to pray for this every day, and then yesterday I didn't. Did I jinx it? Did I slip up, drop my end of the bargain, so now all bets are off?

This reminds me of the outdoor movie my family watched on Friday: "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Linus believes in the Great Pumpkin, who comes once a year to the most sincere pumpkin patch--the one with no hypocrisy--and gives toys to the children there. All you have to do is believe, but you have to believe sincerely. Your faith itself becomes your way of earning blessing. It must be sincere. At one point, Linus is talking (praying?) to the Great Pumpkin, and he says "if" you come to the pumpkin patch. Then he quickly corrects himself. "I mean 'when'!" Then Linus worries. "Oh no! One slip up like that could ruin the whole thing!"

The joke is that Linus is putting himself through all this existential angst, while all the other kids know that the Great Pumpkin doesn't exist.

How do I know that this isn't the case with the Lord, my God? That my God does exist? There is Scripture, 66 books that hold together despite being written across hundreds of years. There are generations of human beings, millions of people, who have believed. But more than that, there's the change within me, when I spend time reading and meditating and learning.

Christians love to say that God meets you where you are. There are lots of examples of it in the Bible. All of the people He's communicated with have been flawed. My prayer--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by February 5--is flawed. There's an element of magical thinking to it. I'm not that different from Linus. But I'm praying it anyway, and I'm not going to worry about my motives or my immaturity. God knows them. Linus was praying to a pumpkin. I'm praying to the Creator of the universe.

Lord, I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I also pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray expectantly. I pray also that You will lead me in the direction You want me to go in regarding Mt Bethel's foster kids program. I am trying to be open.


I pray for Lee. You know what He needs better than I do. From my perspective, I wish he had a mentor/men's group/spiritual friendship to help him. But You know better than I do, so I simply pray that You will infuse his life with Your love.


I pray for my precious children. Please protect them, nurture and comfort them. Amen

Trust

One of the BSF homework questions today is: "In what area has your lack of trust in God devastated your life?" I think of times I've spent worrying, or out of sorts because I didn't see a way forward. Times I've lost sleep over problems that eventually receded. Before I met Lee, I had dark moments of real concern that I wouldn't meet a Christian man. I had put this issue in God's hands many, many times, but I still can't say I really, truly believed there was a supernatural force working to orchestrate my love life!

Is there anything I've put in God's hands, that I continue to fret over? Sara. Lord, I pray expectantly that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. 


Another concern is whether to send Lily on to kindergarten in September despite her July birthday, or whether to hold her back. I'd rather she be the oldest in the class, not the youngest--especially given how shy she is. But she does make the cut-off by six weeks. I give that decision to You, Lord. I pray that You will make the decision clear to me.


The more I ask for things, the more sinful I feel. I think, "I should be praising, I should be thanking!" Why do I go straight to asking? But this feeling is probably showing me that I need to ask for forgiveness first and foremost. Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. I order my days around myself. I do everything to make myself comfortable and to mitigate any discomfort. I even see prayer as a way to make myself more comfortable. 


But I also have a deep inner yearning to be the person You created me to be. I don't want to turn from this computer and go off into the day, forgetting You. I want to be caught up in Your life and Your agenda, so that behaving like a decent human being is the easiest, most natural thing in the world. 


Please show me that You're with me today, as I clean and shop and pick up Lily. As I volunteer at Isabel's school. As I take her to the eye doctor. As I welcome Jon and Dottie and Kate and Maggie into our home. Show me how to care for others today. 


Also, I said I was going to pray for this every day, so here goes: I pray that I will get an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.




Amen

A sign from God

Yesterday, I was reading an article in The New Yorker about Doug Coe, the founder of The Fellowship, a Christian organization that ministers to powerful Washington leaders. The group, which has the noblest of intentions (seeking harmony by modeling lives after Jesus) is made up of humans, and therefore, it's full of sinful behavior. But Doug Coe himself said something, and it caught my interest. Back when he was in college, at a time when he'd broken away from his very prayerful, Christian parents, Coe had a religious experience.

"He found himself promising to give his life to God's work--as long as he didn't have to evangelize or spend too much time in prayer. He set out to test the efficacy of prayer by composing a list of desirable outcomes, having nothing to do directly with himself, and determined to try to pray them into reality by a certain date. One of the items on his list, he says, was that his favorite professor at school, a political-science instructor, would have a personal experience with Jesus. As the deadline neared, the professor, Mark Hatfield, told Coe that he had 'met the Lord.'" Hatfield eventually went on to become a very spiritual, Christian man of power--a governor and a U.S. senator.

When I read this, I thought of Jesus's statement to the devil, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test." I also thought, "Maybe I should pray for Sara to 'meet the Lord' by a certain date." Then I forgot about it. But this morning, my BSF scripture reading brings this issue--the testing of prayer--back before me again.

In Isaiah 7:11-12, God told King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign." But Ahaz said, "I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test." The bible notes say that in spite of his smooth, pious response (he's quoting Deut. 6:16, just like Jesus eventually did), Ahaz all the while intended to put his trust in Assyria. Isaiah then foretold the kind of friend Assyria would prove to be--i.e. a bad one.

So, God told Ahaz to ask Him for a sign. Ahaz demurred, and things turned out bad. Does this story have any bearing on my life? I don't know whether I'm invited to put God to the test. It seems wrong, and it seems like I'm setting myself up to be disappointed. But what if I am invited to ask? What if it worked? Shouldn't I try it?

Lord, I pray that Sara would have a personal experience with Jesus by February 5. I will pray this every day between now and February 5. Doug Coe had other items on his list. What else should I ask for? I would like to write a book that glorifies You. I will pray that an opportunity will arise by September of 2011 to do something along those lines. I will pray for other things, but not put a deadline on them, because I'm starting to feel pushy and unsure of myself. Am I being selfish with that second request? 


I'm going to not worry about it. You know my sinful heart. I'm just going to pray anyway, and see what happens. Amen

My plan moving forward...

In Isaiah Chapter 7, Judah's King Ahaz is in a political and military crisis, about to come under attack. God gives Isaiah a message for Ahaz. Basically, it's this:


"Be careful. Keep calm. And don't be afraid. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith, and let God work out the details."


I am taking such baby steps to spiritual growth! Like Charles Swindoll said, it's three steps forward, two steps back. Some things I'm learning:

I need to separate my shortness of breath/chest tightening from the fear/anxiety itself. I need to stop beating myself up, thinking, "I can't/don't trust God." I can and do trust God. Yes, the physical manifestations of my anxiety hang in there, but that doesn't mean that I don't trust God. It's an ailment, a wiring problem.

What can I trust God with? My plan moving forward. Lord, the idea of mentoring/fostering a child is on my heart. But I have so many voices speaking against it. What about my own children? I don't want to take time away from them. They're still young: I want to mentor them. Money is always an issue. My writing--where should I go from here? Is writing about You in your plan for me? I want it to be, but what are my motives? Glorifying you? Certainly it's about glorifying me, earning money, creating and fulfilling some sense of purpose. I need to spend more time listening to You through Scripture and sitting quietly and thinking about what the words mean to me. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith. What does that look like for me right now? I am going to try to pay heed to You today. Lord, tell me more about this during the rest of the day, would You? Amen.

Life in the realm of the supernatural

I particularly love the third prayer request in Nancy Leigh DeMoss' "prayer template" (A Place of Quiet Rest, page 243).

"Fill me with Your spirit. May I be emptied of myself. May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. Anoint my life and ministry with supernatural power."

Today, I'd rather be in any other realm than the real, hard, tactile one. I have a long-dreaded dentist appointment (lots of cavities to be filled, novacaine shots) that's wedged between my BSF class and Lily's school pickup/afternoon play date. This morning, I woke up with a sore throat, sniffles and sneezes--just what you want to contend with while sitting motionless in a dentist's chair for an hour and a half. (Can I take ibuprofen? Will it make my gums bleed more?) I have my daily work deadline, and tonight's event at Lily's school. No access to cash--last week, Lee and I maxed out our liquid money, and we have to wait until Friday before his next paycheck. (Oh, how my father would be angry/worried if he knew we were still treading so close to the precipice, finances-wise!) We have not one, but two house guests coming this weekend--Lee's sister and her family on Friday night and Lee's friend on Saturday night. The house needs to be cleaned, the sheets washed, the bathrooms, the kitchen counters, and all the rest.

May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. What does that look like, Lord? It means getting outside of my sniffly self and focusing on those I come in contact with today. Lily and Isabel, the women in my BSF group, the dental assistant and hygienist and dentist, Lily's little play date, Saree, the people I encounter at Lily's school. Imagine myself as an envoy of God's. It's not about getting through this day. It's about looking for the people You put in front of me to care for today. Who will You put in front of me? Fill me with your spirit and your strength. Show me how I can do all things through Christ, who loves me. 


I am living in a supernatural realm, if I believe Scripture. Job had no idea that God himself and the devil himself were involved in his little life. He had all kinds of real, hard, tactile problems, but he was also living in the realm of the supernatural. Did Job know this? Did he kind of know, have just an inkling? Was this part of Scripture just a story, an allegory to teach us about faith? Even if it was, the point is to have faith in a living God, who has views and feelings and who exists in a supernatural realm. 


Lord, show me what you have for me today, and please, I beg you, fill me with your spirit and power as I serve you. Amen.

"The battle is not yours." -- God

Yesterday at church (Mt Bethel Methodist), the message was about 2 Chronicles 20. King Jehoshaphat was being besieged on all sides by foreign armies. He and all of Israel prayed to God. God's answer (spoken through a prophet) was "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's."

The pastor said that this is a promise that we can claim in our own daily lives. I have my skeptical thoughts: What does Jehoshaphat have to do with us? But this piece of history does reveal information about God--namely, his response to prayer, and what He wants for his people. In this story, God is interested in having people believe in him. He rewards those who do believe. He allies himself with them, and fights off the destructive forces around them. His goal is to enlighten all of us that He created us, and that we were created to follow his way of life. He wants people--all of us--to live our lives with an awareness of who we are and why we're here.

The pastor asked, "Is there someone in your life who's in a battle?" Sara.

Lord, I want to hold onto this promise: "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I am not able to fix her situation. But You are. I beg you to step in. You can comfort her, soften her heart, give her some peace, move people into her life. You can change things, change her. I beg you to step in. Amen.