Prayers

How does God see me right now? 

How do You see my activities and plans and thoughts? You see the children's Christmas pageant at Eastminster as an expression of love. You want me to trust You, as always. To pray for the pageant (I pray, Lord!) and to see it as something You've ushered me into, and which You will lead me through step by step. You want me to see that it's larger than me, that everything's larger than me, but that You are with me always.

You want me to come to You with my frustrations. Isabel and Lily are contentious these days. These days of all days, right before Christmas! I pray for both of them, for kind hearts, for kind thoughts, for the realization that they are each other's best friend. I pray for guidance on how to lead them to walk in Your path.

I pray that in everything I do, I can be of use to You. That I wouldn't forget. 

I pray for the families of the children massacred in Newtown, Connecticut. I pray that I would believe in You anew.

In Your son's name I pray.

Amen

From My Utmost for His Highest...

The apostle Paul had a strong and steady underlying consistency in his life. Consequently, he could let his external life change without internal distress because he was rooted and grounded in God. Most of us are not consistent spiritually, because we are more concerned with being consistent externally.

"God forbid that I should boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ," he wrote in Galatians 6:14.

I didn't get up this morning and think about who I am, really. Which is to say, God's child, someone He's working on, someone He intends to use for His perfect, lovely purposes. I got Isabel and Lily off to school (lunches, smoothies, shoes, hairbrush...). I walked the dog, ate breakfast, read a book review in The New York Times, cleaned up, said goodbye to Lee (cranky as always, pre-coffee). 

Actually, prior to all that I woke up super early--say, 4 am--from a toothache that's still bothering me since my dentist appointment two weeks ago. That means he might have hit a nerve, which means back again, more money and time spent in pain and discomfort. So I took yet another Advil and pushed the thought aside.

Let's go back and practice gratitude. I am grateful for teeth. I am grateful for having the money and time to get them fixed when they are aching. I am grateful for Advil, and grateful that, who knows, this pain might subside on its own if I give it another week.

I think of this pain as an opportunity to be the person I long to be, someone who doesn't grumble and complain about small things, and who trusts. Someone whose first inclination is to pray for healing. Lord, I pray that You would heal my aching tooth. There. I've prayed. Now I will wait and see.

Today I have work to do: an iVillage post, as usual, and also a gallery about Dancing With the Stars. I also have to see if I can find some neighbors to help with set-up on Saturday before the neighborhood Christmas brunch. I want to serve joyfully. With Your help, Lord, I'll serve joyfully. What a great opportunity to show love to others! And with no expectation for love in return. 

I need to start shopping for Christmas gifts. I need to review the Christmas pageant script. I need to buy party supplies for Saturday, and groceries for dinner and general needs. Can I do all of this with a spirit of love and joy? Lord, I pray for Your strength today, that I'll have a sense of Your presence.

In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Old Words

Apart from my own sinfulness and obstinancy, I think I resist God because I'm not inspired by the contemporary Christian culture. I don't TRUST the contemporary Christian culture. I'm reading a wonderful book, Death By Suburb, by David Goetz. But I can't take his advice, because there's too much rattling around in my head. He's too much like me, too much like the Christians around me who can't break loose from our suburban lives. 

When I read the old words of Christians from long ago, my soul settles down.


Here is one of Brother Lawrence's thoughts, which helps me...

Let us think often that our only business in this life is to please God, and that all besides is but folly and vanity.


And from Jeanne Guyon...

Abandonment is the key to the inward spiritual life, it is one thing to reach this state; it is another thing to remain there.

Abandonment is casting off all your cares, dropping all your needs. Abandonment is practiced by continually losing your own will in the will of God.

In the past it was natural for you to live on the surface of your being; now it will be your habit to live in the center of your being where your Lord dwells.

Simply keep returning to Him each time you have wandered away. When something is repeated over and over, it becomes a habit. This is true even of your soul. After much practice your soul forms the habit of turning inward to God.

From Mother Theresa...

We learn humility through accepting humiliations cheerfully.

Make sure that you let God’s grace work in your souls by accepting whatever he gives you, and giving him whatever he takes from you.

Be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without coming away better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting.

Our vocation, to be beautiful, must be full of thought for others.

The personal love Christ has for you is infinite; the small difficulty you have with His Church is finite. Overcome the finite with the infinite.

From Jean Pierre de Caussade...

There remains one single duty. It is to keep one’s gaze fixed on the master one has chosen and to be constantly listening so as to understand and hear and immediately obey his will.

Souls, once they have surrendered themselves to his action, see everything that happens to them in a favourable light.

Don't lie.

From Psalm 15...

Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

He who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman.

This is obvious and yet...I am not the person I aim to be. But today is a new day.

My mind is scattered. I'm thinking about all that I need to do this day, this week. How to kickstart my work?

But this is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have plenty of time (I imagine) to let God turn me into the person I aim to be.

The person I aim to be:

Loving, focused on others, my husband, kids, parents of my kids' friends and classmates (who are the people I tend to come in contact with these days).

Organized. I want to have a plan, professionally. And to have dinner ideas and get the grocery shopping done, etc.

Today I am going to aim to have no slander on my tongue. For just this one day. Can I do it? LET'S SEE!!!

I pray this in Jesus' name.

Amen

Disappointed tiger mom

From Psalm 13...

How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.


Last night I went to Isabel's second grade open house. The teacher was...not impressive. She's new to second grade, and didn't seem to know much about teaching it. (Last year she was an EIP teacher, and previously she taught fifth grade.) She's close to retirement.

I asked if there would be a parapro. (Answer: "I don't know. I don't know anything about that.")
I asked if the homework would vary from kid to kid. (Answer: "Not really.")
Someone asked about AR tests. (Answer: "I don't know, I'll have to ask the other second grade teachers about that.")
She said it was OK to help our kids with their homework, and that we could read their AR books to them. In second grade? Really?

None of this sounded like a teacher chosen to lead a class of accelerated kids, which is what I was hoping.

Meanwhile, here comes the ugly, rearing head of jealousy: This morning Jen Moulton recounted the open house with the family program teacher, Mrs. Wiggins. In a word, stellar. Another word: exemplary.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for You have been good to me. If you are indeed there, reading this blog, I can only wonder what You are doing. Why is Isabel in this class with this teacher who's clearly on her own learning curve?

These are ugly thoughts I'm having. I'm like a tiger mom, wrapped up in my own selfish concerns for my child. I'm not mentioning the gratitude I feel for Lily's stellar kindergarten class with Mrs. Crandall. And I'm acting like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten her way for Isabel's class.

I remind myself that this is a good school, whatever teacher Isabel gets. The class size is good--just 19 kids. You are in the classroom with Isabel. I don't know everything, and You do.

Is there some grand plan? Or is that just something I've been telling myself to feel better about this uncertain life? The idea that there isn't a grand plan makes me anxious. If I think in terms of what I see around me, the tangible stuff I can touch, of course it seems there isn't one. But that may be what the psalmist is getting at--questioning God and resolving that indeed, He is there. Or at least, the psalmist chooses to believe that he is.


How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.


I don't feel resolved. I still feel anxious. But I have sat down and read and psalm and written to You about it, and that's something.

Invisible help

From Psalm 10...

Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?

Then the writer describes the "wicked man," who reviles the Lord," "does not seek him," and "in all his thoughts there is no room for God."

The wicked man also says to himself: "Nothing will shake me. I'll always be happy and never have trouble." He preys upon the weak and tells himself that God isn't paying attention.

But the writer insists this isn't true. He states plainly that the victim "commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless."

You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

The question: When you feel helpless, how would it help you if you experienced God as acting on your behalf?

This is of course what I yearn for--to believe and to experience the peace and joy of a real relationship with God. But I fumble in the dark towards belief, still. I consider the generations before me, hundreds, no thousands of years' worth of Christians reading these words and believing them, or trying to believe them.

Here is what I come back to: What God instructs in the bible is love and peace and caring for one another. These are inherently good and right. That, at least, I can hold on to in a tangible way.

Lord, I pray as always for some sign that You are reading this blog. Hebrews 11 tells me that believing this without seeing it is the essence of faith. And that is what pleases You. I am stuck feeling guilty. If I was a real Christian, I would...fill in the blank. Give more money. Care for my neighbors. Stop worrying so much about my own self. All this is true. But the basic core of being a follower of Christ is letting him do the work of changing my heart, of making me want to serve others. I am already forgiven and don't need to be guilty. I just need to keep reading Scripture and listening though meditation.

Now I'm going to sit and read this psalm again several times.

I pray for protection over my husband and sweet children as they go about their day today.

In Your son's name I pray.

Amen

Humble

From Psalm 8...

You have set your glory above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise
because of your enemies
to silence the foe and the avenger.

The New Living Translation reads...

You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.

Jesus quoted this psalm. It was just after he came to the temple courts, overturned the moneychangers' tables and healed the blind and the lame. Matthew 21:16 "Do you hear what these children are saying?" the religious teachers asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?"

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings

and crowned him with glory and honor.

You made him rule over the works of your hands,

you put everything under his feet.

Yesterday, Isabel was slightly better behaved. Both girls appear to be happy at school. I will try not to take that for granted. Thank you, Lord.

I was disappointed that Isabel didn't get into the Family Program at school, and Jen Moulton is delighted that her daughter Hannah got in. She talked about it at the bus stop this morning. When she mentioned that one of her classmates was a new girl from California, I wondered, "Why did a new kid get into Family?" 

Lord, today with this passage, You say, Be gentle, humble. Love people. Know that you are treasured, and that the Lord of heaven and earth created you. And then take that knowledge and be a humble steward. There is power in gentle love. 

So...I am grateful for the class that Isabel was placed in, and I humbly accept the placement. The program may be unfair, the selection system may be flawed. But it's not at all important in the overall scheme of things, and it's not for me to gripe about. I'm grateful that my children go to a good school and they're thriving.

I continue to pray for direction--what to do next? I pray for protection over Lee and my children as they go about their day today. I pray that I would grow spiritually.

In Your son's name I pray.

Amen

The Lord accepts my prayer.

From Psalm 6...

O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy,
the Lord accepts my prayer.

There's a rushing river around me, moving everyone and everything forward. I feel like I'm just trying to keep up. School began yesterday. Isabel and Lily, sweet, sweet, sweet, off together on the school bus. And me back to an empty house.

I want to use my time wisely. I want to be inspired, and to write something worthwhile. For months now I've wondered, What next? I still don't know. Two years ago, I spent the year praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. I put a deadline on the request. (I felt moved to do it.) Nothing happened.

My desires: To get that rush of fulfillment when I'm enjoying the writing process. To earn money. To prove myself, to prove that all that work towards becoming a writing professional wasn't for naught. To prove that I'm more than just a stay-at-home mom with a part-time TV writing gig.

Lord, You are supposed to be at the center of my life. What does that mean, how does that affect what I do with my precious time alone? Am I seeking the wrong things? Of course my motivation is corrupted by my sinful nature. So are my desires. But I must do SOMETHING. I'm going to try to listen for You. To notice opportunities around me. I am doubtful that You exist, but that doesn't mean You don't exist. I don't trust my sense of when You are nudging or guiding. I've been dead wrong so many times. NONETHELESS, I am going to try to listen for You again.

Requests: Isabel behaved atrociously yesterday. I have given her too much rope, and now I feel I need to pull her in. I want her to obey me with a "Yes, Ma'am" when I ask her to do things.

Some of the things she loves: treats in her lunchbox, playdates with Hannah, playing on the iPad/Dad's iPhone/my computer, LPS. She needs to earn these things through good behavior. That means saying "Yes, Ma'am," and doing it whenever I ask her to do something.

The first time she disobeys, she will lose a lunchbox treat the next day. The second time, she will lose a lunchbox treat for two days in a row. The third time, she will start having to hand over LPS animals (five at a time). The fourth time, she will lose playdate privileges with Hannah.

I pray that You will oversee this system as I try to implement it. I pray that she will begin to obey right away. I also pray that I will be a reasonable parent who chooses her battles and doesn't tyrannize my children.

I pray for Lee, who must be disappointed about not getting a call back for the CNN job. He's also stressed at work. I pray for his health, his diet, his confidence, and that he would know how much I love him.

In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Ignatian Workout Day Six

Meditating on why you were created...


The first exercise brings me to Psalm 139 and asks me, What is God creating you for?


That Psalm closes with a prayer: "Search me, God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting."


Lee has been lovely the last few days, since our date night. It's as if he read my last blog post and decided to try harder to be sweet. Of course he didn't read my post. We had a good date night, and afterwards, unprompted, he said that he was so often tired when he got home from work, and he needed to spend time with the kids, and he acknowledged that marriage went by the wayside. He also said that he wanted to get another dog. (Ha.)


Speaking of the dog, I've been rigid about sticking to my "I'm not taking care of it" pledge. This has been a means of self-protection. He takes advantage of me and my need to check things off to-do lists. I didn't want to allow him to wear me down, to give in, and suddenly I'm finding myself as the primary caretaker for the dog as well as the children.


That said, my inflexibility has angered Lee, left him feeling open to attack. Hunter has had problem upon problem, and I've refused to help. I think I need to relent. Today I will offer to pick up the flea shampoo at PetSmart.


Back to the questions: What is God creating you for? What does God particularly enjoy about this creation? What tasks has God put before you in life?


I'm not sure. I don't know. But I feel I am being softened. I long to be kinder, more loving, more of a gentle force for good. I want to focus more on my children, to help them through the daily challenges of growing up. Yesterday they could have used my help and attention as they fought over Papi packages (waited all day and then the package was for Isabel, resulting in Lily's tears). 


Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting.


Here I imagine God testing me in these small ways, knowing my anxious thoughts. 


Lord, I pray that you would lead the way, lead my way. I long to feel your presence, to stop talking about you and to speak with you. I pray for confirmation that you are there.


In your son's name I pray.
Amen

The Ignatian Workout (Day Four)

Principle 4: We should want only what we were created for.


We should want only to seek the will of God, which is our eternal well being. We are encouraged to see all things in light of our ultimate goal.


I think about what I want, as opposed to what I should want. I want a purposeful writing career. I want my children to be healthy, well-adjusted and happy. I want to be a good wife. None of these are wrong; they're all good. What I should want: To seek these things in light of my ultimate goal, which is discerning and following the will of God.

I dreamt last night that Lily was in danger of dying from a terminal illness. Her big symptom: Her heart hurt. The thought of losing her was so real and terrible to me, a pain I hope to never, ever, ever, ever experience. Clearly, my children are central to my sense of well being in this world. Again, not a bad thing.

What are the things in your life that make you rich? Do they make you happy? Do they help you to know God and to love people? If the answers are no, then they aren't [helping you achieve your ultimate goal].


Lord, I pray that you would show me the things in my life that hinder me. I keep saying that I want to write a book, but I know that the subject must be something that keeps me coming back with a passion. I am blocked. My current writing job eats up my time. It doesn't help me to know God and to love people. But of course I can't quit.

What else is blocking me? I don't waste time on TV. Where does it go?

The Ignatian Workout, The Foundation (Day 5)

To summarize the principles of the Foundation:
My focus should be on my eternal well-being. Everything else--marriage, kids, career, friendships--should be approached in light of that. Purpose of my life: to praise, revere and serve God. I should view even my disappointments, frustrations and embarrassments through the lens of how they might shape my eternal well-being. I must not care about external things (health, wealth, reputation, etc.) but I should want only what I am created for.

Naturally my first reaction is the expected one: I fall hopelessly short of this ideal. I am more like the rich man in Jesus' parable than like Lazarus--I yearn for control and comfort. When I feel out of control or uncomfortable, everything is amiss. I am drawn to the idea that I can find God's peace by changing my outlook.

When it came time for me to meditate on these principles, my heart settle on the issue of marriage. Like everyone, Lee and I have good and bad days. I could list all the ways that I feel he fails to love me, but what a tiresome and mean-spirited way to spend my time. He says I fail him, too, that his behavior is a direct response to my own. (Of course I can't see the infractions I've supposedly committed.)

I shift my focus away from what I "deserve" and consider, instead, that God uses my circumstances to sharpen me. He is molding me into his image. He uses my central relationship to change me, train me. How can I revere God, and serve him, through my marriage?

Just for a minute, I will consider the 4th principle. I should want only what I was created for. What would I learn, how would the Lord train me, if my husband loved me perfectly? Nothing. If I want only what I was created for--to focus solely on praising, revering and serving God--then my husband's behavior shouldn't infuriate me. It should challenge me. It is an opportunity to grow in love. In Luke 6 Jesus said, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them."

I am called to lift Lee up, to care for and comfort him, even when I feel that he doesn't do the same for me. The difficulty, of course, is that other, very legitimate voice in my head: "You are not a doormat, and no self-respecting person would let him get away with saying/doing what he just said/did."

But...if the purpose of my life is to praise, revere and serve God (and by these means to achieve my eternal well being), then perhaps during these moments of frustration, I could/should soften, give in, refrain from fighting back. In doing so, repeatedly, I create an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness. I've no doubt that living in that kind of atmosphere would soften Lee. And of course, I would pray for God's intervention in this, too.

The Ignatian Workout (Day Three)

Principle 3: We must not care about external things, like health or sickness, wealth or poverty, fame or obscurity, a long life or a short one. All experiences in our lives can be occasions of grace. When suffering inevitably comes, we need not think that God has abandoned us. Suffering may indeed be a place where we can come to know God's will.

I'm reading a book right now about raising confident daughters. In one chapter, the author JoAnn Deak mentions the chaos theory: "Chaos theory begins with the thought that everything in the universe fits into a pattern in connection to everything else. We have difficulty seeing the big picture because we are too close, or because we are focused on the wrong thing." This idea fits seamlessly with the concept of God's universe, and our inability to understand it. We can't see the big picture. We can only use the tools God's given us: prayer, grace, etc. All experiences in our lives, whether joyful or painful, can be occasions of grace. It's just not obvious to us.


Deak uses the chaos theory analogy to explain why sometimes mothers and tween daughters actually can't see each others' points of view. I find that to be happening in my marriage. I can't see Lee's point of view, at least not without looking through the lens of my own experience and emotions (and, if I'm being honest, my selfishness).

From my point of view, Lee is often dismissive of me. He's quick to poke fun or to contradict what I've said. He gets annoyed very easily, rolling his eyes or taking a deep breath (as if to signify that I've said something crazy or stupid).

Yesterday was Father's Day, which meant brunch with my parents. Time with my parents is always a minefield. He doesn't like my dad, and becomes reserved and dismissive in his presence. The dynamic is tense, because Dad never fails to be hurt and angry. This time, Lee arrived an hour late. (He said it was because I never told him what time we were meeting for brunch, and he had to go over a song with the band after the service.) By the time he arrived, Dad was already steaming. Lee was cordial but didn't make an effort at conversation either. He didn't want to be there. The whole experience was awkward for me, as it always is.

When we got home, I asked what was wrong (code for "Why are you behaving like such a jerk?"). When I didn't get a satisfying answer I told him he had to start being nicer to my parents. The rest of the day was a kind of cold war. He took the girls to the pool without including me. I went along anyway. At the pool he played with the girls, and when he got out, he left and went to the grocery store to buy food for dinner.

That night, he made BBQ chicken, and made it extra sweet for me (brown sugar and honey). That's actually not how I like BBQ chicken, but I recognized his intention to be kind. By evening he was treating me better, as usual. He's always best at night.

And so to the third principle, and how it relates...


We must not care about external things, like health or sickness, wealth or poverty, fame or obscurity, a long life or a short one.  What we SHOULD care about is described in the first principle: We are created to praise, reverence and serve God our Lord, and by these means to achieve our eternal well-being.


In my Next Generation Mentoring group, Martha (our mentor) would listen as each of us younger women described these minor daily atrocities of our husbands. She often agreed with us that they (the husbands) were in the wrong and needed gentle reminders. But her overall message was that as a wife, we are meant to be our husband's helper. We are encouragers, comforters, helpers.

My reaction to this, of course, is what about accountability? Lee needs me to hold him accountable for his dismissiveness! His coldness! How can he change if I don't point it out to him?

But here's the rub: When I call Lee to the carpet, he almost never reacts well. I told him the other night that I felt he might be a little bit depressed. He replied (and I could have predicted this) that he could easily say the same thing about me. Then he said that he felt like I was riding him a lot lately. This is the interminable cycle: I call him out for being cold, and he replies that I'm critical and nagging. And so it goes. As the chaos theory says, I can't see his point of view, and he can't see mine.

And so back to these principles. We must not care about external things, like health or sickness, wealth or poverty, fame or obscurity, a long life or a short one. Instead, focus on what we are created to do: praise, reverence and serve God our Lord, and by these means to achieve our eternal well-being.

All experiences in our lives can be occasions of grace. How is this experience an occasion of grace? Focus on what I am created to do: praise, reverence and serve God. When Lee isn't loving me well, I'm to focus on loving him more.

It's not lost on me that I've never been especially good at picking up the cues around me, the muted hopes for help. In college I shared an apartment with a girl who lost her bearings. She and I weren't good friends, just roommates, and I came and went and made small talk with her when we both happened to be there. She wasn't a sad sack; in fact, she had sorority connections and interested guys and a cool smoking habit. At one point, though, she just packed up and left in the middle of the semester. Later, I met another student (a psych major) who asked me, "Didn't you notice that she hadn't left the apartment for three days? She was having a breakdown." I hadn't noticed. She had never indicated to me that anything was wrong, and I never asked. That she was often sitting on the couch, watching TV in her PJ's, didn't pose a red flag for me. Perhaps it would have if I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own classes and guys and friends, etc.

Back to Lee. I see his red flags only when his behavior affects me. When his coldness makes me uncomfortable in front of my parents, or when he rolls his eyes in anger at something I've said. It's so easy to feel the injustice of this! He shouldn't behave this way! But am I creating an overall atmosphere of love and comfort, one that would maybe possibly smooth some of his rough edges? Nope. I keep anxiety at bay by making lists and focusing on my children and my work and getting dinner on the table.

We must not care about external things, like health or sickness, wealth or poverty, fame or obscurity, a long life or a short one. Instead, focus on what we are created to do: praise, reverence and serve God our Lord, and by these means to achieve our eternal well-being.


I react against this, because it feels weak. Give in? But he needs to be held accountable! This is the way I think, have been thinking for years. What if I TRY to change my focus to being Lee's helper? What does that look like?

He wants me to break the kids' habit of crawling into our bed at night. He's not a good sleeper to begin with, and any hindrance can mean a night of tossing and turning. I've agreed with him several times. But when the moment comes, usually at 2 or 3 or 4 a.m., I'm too tired to get up and shepherd them back to bed. And even on nights when I do, I haven't figured out how to keep them there. I need to turn my attention to this issue. It won't be easy.

He tends to want to have more date nights. This is always tricky. The money issue, the overeating issue, the which-friends-will-he-go-out-with issue, etc. But it's not as if I'm asking myself to make some big sacrifice here. I can navigate these waters.

In the moments when his behavior strikes me as...infuriating, I will focus on praising, serving and reverencing God.

The Ignatian Workout: Foundation (Day Two).

The second principle: Focusing on our eternal well-being. If something helps us, we should use it, and if it hinders us, we shouldn't.




Focus on the image of the rich man in the story of Lazarus and the rich man (Lk 16:19-26). What in your life makes you rich? What do you most value? What things in your life make you happy? What things in your life hinder you from being more loving?


I think back over my day. Summer is unique--a time of year when I find myself out of the house,  mostly at the pool, amidst other mothers of school-aged children. At no other time of year do I have so much opportunity to interact with friends. Robin's dealing with her aging mother-in-law staying in her home. Renee just bought a new Range Rover, then promptly got hit by a teenager; now she's catching heat from her husband. Jen M., a working mom, is having to adjust to a new nanny who's not vigilant enough at the pool. Christina's daughter is socially awkward and has few friends. Alyssa's son is on meds for ADHD.

Rarely do I feel as rich as I do in the month of June, sitting poolside with these women. Our problems are the problems of rich people. Our husbands are at work, and our bank accounts allow for daily trips to Publix or Kroger. I am stressed out by swim meets, not cancer or loss. In the story of Lazarus and the rich man, I most identify with the rich man.

The story makes me think: Who are the Lazaruses at my gate? In a literal sense, last spring I sought out an opportunity to work with poor children. I searched on the Internet, found a local group that helps poor kids, met twice with the director, and was placed as a volunteer at an after-school tutoring program for underprivileged kids. Every Wednesday, from 3-4:30 (while Mom took my own kids), I drove the short distance to Roswell North Elementary School and helped out with the first and second graders of Fulton Family Matters.

The experience ended with the school year, and I came away from it feeling...nothing. One and a half hours a week isn't enough time to make much of a difference. The mostly Hispanic kids weren't as advanced as my own, but they weren't in dire straits, either. They may be the children of day laborers or custodial workers (I don't know, just assuming), but they go to Roswell North, a good school. And they're brimming with confidence and spunk. Many of them didn't even seem to need my help with their homework.

I hear about the devastating effect that the recession has had on Georgia families. Kids are losing their homes; they don't have enough food. I am so isolated in my rich person's life that even my feeble attempt to reach out to poor children backfired. Feeble because the sacrifice I was willing to make was minimal. Because I have my own kids, I didn't want to travel far, and I was only willing to give up one afternoon a week.


What in your life makes you rich? What do you most value? What things in your life make you happy? What things in your life hinder you from being more loving?


Things in my life that hinder me from being more loving: my selfishness, of course. My need for security, for peace. I long for comfort, a smooth life. I don't think this is inherently wrong. I am saddened by the news of hurting people that I hear on NPR. But it doesn't affect me enough to pull me away from my own concerns.

The Ignatian Workout: Foundation (Day One)

Principle One: We are created to praise, reverence, and serve God, and by these means to achieve our eternal well-being.
Living the practice of the foundation is about challenging the false notions about what is good and bad in life.
"Jesus said, 'You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matthew 5:48).
Our perfection lies precisely in our ability to mirror the kind of love that God has for us...Our perfection is simply our desire to respond to this already accomplished fact of God's love, to make our lives great because we are capable of it.
To praise, reverence and serve God means to work with God at each moment, constructing our lives in such a way that all our choices, all our desires, all our hopes are oriented toward the love of God.
Our happiness depends upon loving God with all our heart, soul and strength. Take time to consider how you do this...


There's a swim meet tonight. It's been two weeks since the last swim meet, when I nearly drowned in a wellspring of agitation.

The backstory: Since February, I've brought Isabel and Lily to twice-weekly, semi-private swim lessons to get them ready for swim team. I'd noticed that Isabel had started putting on weight. Not too much, but enough to show that she hasn't inherited my skinny girl metabolism. I know that Isabel (and possibly Lily) will probably face a day, and after that a lifetime, when their bodies will become a source of burden. The focus on weight loss is so rampant, so ever-present around us, and my girls are just a few years away from noticing.

There are ways to deal with this, but the one I prefer is avoiding the weight issue naturally. Just don't put the weight on to begin with. And so the swim lessons. I thought I'd get Isabel into a highly aerobic sport, one where she'd burn calories without even realizing it. If she liked swimming, I'd sign her up for one of the year-round swim teams that are so plentiful in this area.

Then came May, and the neighborhood's summer swim team began. Despite those three months of twice weekly lessons, Isabel and Lily lagged behind their teammates at practice. Both were relegated to the last lane (where the weakest swimmers go). The coaches, laconic teenagers, had little incentive to help struggling swimmers get better. On the day before the first meet, when they had the kids race one another and timed it, Isabel came in dead last.

She dreaded the meet, and so did I. I called the assistant coach, and asked if Isabel could be in just two races, her two strongest strokes. But when the heat list arrived, Isabel was in three races, one of them a relay--which means three other kids (and these are not nice kids) would be depending on her to do well in order to get their ribbon.

The meet was like a dark night of the soul. Hot, crowded, very loud. Whistles and horns and screams. Kids pushed through the crowd with "EAT MY BUBBLES" scrawled in Sharpie across their backs. Isabel was sick with stress and worry, and my heart fluttered in vicarious anxiety. I approached the coach, an unsmiling college girl, and asked if Isabel really had to swim the relay. She brushed me off--"She can do it," she said--and I glared at her, turned away angrily. And then...the four-hour ordeal stretched out before us like an eternity.

Kids swarmed the snack bar, buying Pushup Pops and Airheads and M&Ms and Kit Kats and Ring Pops. There's a tacit acknowledgement from the parents that the candy gorging is part of the swim meet experience. Isabel and Lily's experience, too. I objected, but not out loud. How could I?

Lee arrived late, then didn't want to stay. I fumed at the injustice of that; he fumed at my inability to understand that he'd just worked a full day and commuted home and therefore wasn't up for this brutal exercise.

In the end, the coach was right. Isabel swam all three races adequately. She didn't come close to winning, but her relay team was the B team, so they wouldn't have won anyway. At nine p.m., we dragged ourselves home, with Isabel insisting that she would never swim in another meet again.

At practice yesterday, I sat a few tables over from Paul, the stay-at-home dad to Min and Saree, who are teammates and neighborhood kids. A year ago I'd tried unsuccessfully to plant a friendship there, inviting them for playdates. They are beautiful girls, but cold and unsmiling, even at their young ages. Saree's sport is gymnastics. At the ripe old age of going-on-seven, she executes perfect cartwheels on the grassy entrance to the pool.

The first week of swim team practice, Saree took a liking to Lily. They made a tent together, rolled in the grass. The second week, Saree dropped her for another girl. Every morning since then, Lily watches them make tents across the pool, and then she makes her own tents by herself, next to me.

I overheard a snippet of Paul in a conversation with a friend. "You can't teach competitiveness," he was saying. "They have to have it in them."

I blanched. I began to talk to him in my mind. "You CAN teach compassion and kindness, though," I thought. "And which is more important, really?" He angered me, this man who put his high-achieving, unsmiling girls on the school bus with my sweet, guileless ones.

Our happiness depends upon loving God with all our heart, soul and strength.  It's a matter of mirroring back God's love for us. We are CAPABLE OF MAKING OUR LIVES GREAT, by responding to the already established fact of God's love for us. 

Tonight, another meet. Standing poolside amidst the chaos, hugging Isabel close, I will not feel the love of God. I'll feel short of breath. I'll feel angry, disappointed. I'll fret over my inability to keep the candy count down to two per kid.

Challenging the false notions about what is good and bad in life: The false--not to mention ridiculous--notions at tonight's swim meet? Swimming isn't about health; it's about squashing your opponent. Candy, gobs of it, is quite all right. (So what if Georgia is #2 in the nation for obese children? It's a swim meet!) The louder, the better, always. The later, the better, too. You're weird if you're not enjoying it.

Is a swim meet an opportunity to love God with all our heart, soul and strength? Here's my prayer: Lord, show me tonight how to love you, how to feel your love and mirror it back, in the midst of the hell-writ-small that is tonight's swim meet. I will be looking for you in the chaos.

Now as for Paul, and his girls. Lord, please help me to identify why they bother me. They are not slaying children in Darfur or raping women in the Sudan! This is small, and yet I live out my life in small spaces like my neighborhood, and even the small stuff counts.

If I am focused on your love, on mirroring back your love, then a taskmaster dad and his snooty offspring shouldn't make a difference to me. I am already quite friendly to him and his girls. I can work on meaning it. I will not be happy, and I will not make my life great, by recoiling at the people around me. I can see them in perspective. They are indifferent to me and my girls, but why would it matter when God is deeply interested in us? I will construct my life in such a way that all my choices, all my desires, all my hopes are oriented toward loving him back.

Examen

I am going to start doing The Ignatian Workout: Daily Spiritual Exercises for a Healthy Faith. Before I begin to do the workouts, I'm going to try to do an exercise called the examen for a few days.

1. Pray for understanding.
2. Give thanks.
3. Pay attention to your feelings.
--What feelings were most strong and why?
--Ask God to help you understand where the feelings come from and what they tell you about your spiritual life.
4. Examine one of your feelings.
--Your strongest feeling surely points to something important. What is it?
--Allow the feeling to lead you in conversation with God.
5. Look ahead.
--How will this affect your choices in the future?
--Are you actively creating the life you should, or are you a passive spectator?

--Are your choices determined by the people and circumstances around you, or do you create opportunities to live as you are able?

--Pray that God will lead you toward choices that are more "life-giving."

6. Close with The Lord's Prayer.

Absolutely certainly all right

As always, My Utmost For His Highest gives me good guidance today.


The passage Chambers riffs off of is in Mark 6, when Jesus Christ walks on water, and Peter attempts to do so as well. Here Chambers speaks about our goals and our imagined purpose. What are my goals? To be a successful writer, to write a book, to earn a living through my writing, to figure out a career path sooner rather than later.


But here is God's purpose for me, according to Chambers:
to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. What he desires is that I see "him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, no goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea." (6:49) 


Having the absolute certainty that everything is all right. That my lack of progress is absolutely, certainly all right, because all I have to do is be obedient to Him. Don't over think it. But what does being obedient to him look like? I can still ponder what I'd like to do next, but I won't panic about it, because I see "Him walking on the sea." 


We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.


God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realized that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

Questions

On Sacred Space today, some questions...


I imagine the Father and the Son deciding to come to me. Why do they do this? Because I'm their child, their creation, created in their image. Because they care deeply about what's going on for me and how they can use me for their benevolent purposes. As I type the words, little pinpricks of doubt pester me. Is this all in my head? I put off these thoughts. I am choosing to believe. 




What do they think and say about me as they travel? I imagine how I feel and think about Isabel and Lily. They love me that much. More. 




What gifts do they choose for me? What do they find when they arrive? I don't know what gifts God would give me. Hasn't he already given me everything I have? My husband, my children, my family, my health, my beautiful home, my beautiful life. When they arrive they find me, restless, anxious, wanting to believe but lazy about conditioning my mind. But well-intentioned.


I am the focus of a great love. The Spirit of divine love comes to abide in me. Does the Spirit find a warm welcome in me or do I ignore my guest? I imagine that I do ignore the Spirit, as I plan the girls' activities and the gift cards for Lily's teacher and the School's Out for Summer Party and the Arf costume and dinner and work. 


Am I a good pupil who wants to learn? I am not a good pupil, but I do want to learn. 


What is the Spirit teaching me right now in this period of prayer? I want to be more proactive, to listen and to act on God's words. I pray for help in this even as my mind wanders to the next thing. I pray for my husband today at work, for protection over my darling children. I am grateful.

Willing myself to believe

So I read this article in the New York Times, and I think that the author more or less got it right. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/29/books/review/when-god-talks-back-by-tm-luhrmann.html?pagewanted=all

"Evangelical churches brainwash believers. They change the way their members’ brains work. But T. M. Luhrmann, a psychological anthropologist at Stanford, argues that this is not as insidious as it sounds. On the contrary, mental conditioning has a noble lineage in the history of religion, and even (or especially) in this modern age, it can help humans flourish."

She's a little more blunt about it than I would have been, but I do think our overall goal is to condition our minds to be able to "hear" God. It's one of those secular-minded articles that casts Christians as a little deluded, and the idea of psychologically training yourself to believe is downright cold. And yet I do think she got the crux of it right. I DO have to train myself to believe.

Lord, I'm writing to you now. I want to train myself to hear you. I must choose to believe: do I find this to be a noble endeavor with value that has been discovered by many people throughout the ages? I do.

Today's passage from Sacred Space: 

Philip said to him, ‘Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and you still do not know me? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, “Show us the Father”? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words that I say to you I do not speak on my own; but the Father who dwells in me does his works. Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves. Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it.

The idea of spiritual conditioning, like exercising muscles, is a good one, but it doesn't mention the blessed result: supernatural communication and feeling. I can exercise all I want, and I can become "good" at believing, but God is the one who is reaching out to me. If I am wanting to do exercises to hear him, it's because he is drawing me in. 

I pray that you would help me in my restlessness. I have much to do, and the sands of the hourglass keep dropping! I pray for Lee today, as he boards a plane for Massachusetts. I pray for him that he will take care of himself. I pray that you would show me the way to go today.

In your son's precious name I pray,

Amen

Here is something interesting from Sacred Space today:

Everything is somehow in touch with everything else. And everyone is linked with everyone else, past, present and future. This means that only when the last of us has been gathered in will we know the full story of the human race. Think of history as being a bit like a cosmic joke: while you’re telling a joke, people are puzzled. They wonder how the story is going to work out. Only with the punch line do they get the point and laugh.’

So with the human story: we must be patient. God indeed exists, but so also does dreadful evil. God works within what is bad to bring good out of it. We see this in the Passion with the eyes of faith. What was the worst of Fridays becomes Good Friday only because of the love involved. This love cuts across the downward spiral of evil, sin and death and it opens up to us God’s world, a new world of freedom and love. At the end we will see how love has transformed all the sorrow and pain and tragedy of our story. Only then will the laughter begin, laughter of the purest and most liberating kind. This laughter will be led by the three divine Persons who always intended that things would end well and who laboured mightily to bring this about. ‘Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh’ (Luke 6:21).

I am attracted to the idea that what I see is only part of the story. I was listening to RadioLab one day last week, and the secular hosts were discussing some lost scrolls of Scripture in which Jesus tells people that Heaven is all around them; they just can't see it. This isn't in the Bible, but it doesn't conflict with it either. 

Today I read the passage in John 12 when Jesus tells people that he is the light of the world. 

"I have come as light into the world, so that everyone who believes in me should not remain in the darkness."

I am so resistant to quiet times, and yet they are the source of strength and peace and calm. Lord, I pray that you would speak to me anyway. 

I feel like I have so much to do and don't know where to start. I feel like I'm failing. I could be doing so much more. I feel restless. Will I never write a book? 

I can relax in you, in seeking you. Because if I seek you, then you'll guide me in what you want me to do. Which is the thing I need to do. 

I pray for Jen Moulton, and her daughter Hannah.

I pray for Jen Barnas and her family as they prepare to move.

I pray for Lee in advance of his trip to Massachusetts, that he'll have safe travels.

I pray for protection over my children, and for our decision to put Isabel in the Kumon tutoring program. I pray that she would accept it and not resist too much, and that you would give me the strength to support her and encourage her. I pray for Lily, sweet girl, that she will grow in confidence and faith in you. I pray that you would show me how to help them grow in faith in you.

I pray for Sara, that she and Andy will get married. I pray for her faith in you as well.

I pray for the children I'll help today at Roswell North Elementary: Siclolly, Joanna, Imani, Marlen, Quatari, Anthony, Sigi, DJ, Henry, Jamie Lynn, Jamie, and Leslie. I ask that you'll show me how to help them, who exactly am I there for and how should I help? I am making myself available and letting you use me where you need me.

I pray that I would see Heaven around me.

In your son's precious name I pray,

Amen

Jehoshaphat

My Monday night bible study group is studying Jehoshaphat this week. He was a king who prayed to the Lord before what seemed an impossible battle. The Lord's response: "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's...You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you."


I fight through my initial doubt. The prophecy was rendered when "the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel son of Zechariah, a Levite." Why should I trust this account? I have no way of knowing whether it's real or not. What do I know? That I only need to go along, believe and look for signs of God around me. I only need to let God show me that he is real, and that scripture is true.


What battles are ahead of me? I feel a sense of unrest about what I'm supposed to be doing with my writing. Still at sea. Waiting on God? Or just putting it off? Is it sloth, or am I legitimately protecting myself from becoming overwhelmed with too much to do? Lord, my motives aren't pure, and yet you love me and have a plan in mind for me. Please guide me there. What next? 


Kumon. This is a math drilling tutoring program. We had a backyard grill-out on Saturday night, and one of the couples, Ed and Robin, talked about Kumon. Lee wants Isabel and Lily to do it. It's expensive. It's tedious, boring, repetitive. I will have to be the one who implements it. And yet the benefits are indisputable. The children would be GREAT at math, a very important life skill.


Lee wants the children to do it, but he will let it fall away. He knows it's very expensive, and that will contribute to his passivity. The Kumon program will only happen if I make it happen.


Lord, I ask you: Should we go ahead with this? Is it right for our kids? Is it worth the money? I will look around me for signs of your answer. 




You are infinite, powerful, holy, loving. You are the center of everything. I look to you.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven^(A) and earth.^(B)

The Lord will keep you from all harm^(F)—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.^(G)