From Psalm 15...
Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?
He who speaks the truth from his heart and has no slander on his tongue, who does his neighbor no wrong and casts no slur on his fellowman.
This is obvious and yet...I am not the person I aim to be. But today is a new day.
My mind is scattered. I'm thinking about all that I need to do this day, this week. How to kickstart my work?
But this is the first day of the rest of my life, and I have plenty of time (I imagine) to let God turn me into the person I aim to be.
The person I aim to be:
Loving, focused on others, my husband, kids, parents of my kids' friends and classmates (who are the people I tend to come in contact with these days).
Organized. I want to have a plan, professionally. And to have dinner ideas and get the grocery shopping done, etc.
Today I am going to aim to have no slander on my tongue. For just this one day. Can I do it? LET'S SEE!!!
I pray this in Jesus' name.
Amen
Monday, August 20, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Disappointed tiger mom
From Psalm 13...
How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
Last night I went to Isabel's second grade open house. The teacher was...not impressive. She's new to second grade, and didn't seem to know much about teaching it. (Last year she was an EIP teacher, and previously she taught fifth grade.) She's close to retirement.
I asked if there would be a parapro. (Answer: "I don't know. I don't know anything about that.")
I asked if the homework would vary from kid to kid. (Answer: "Not really.")
Someone asked about AR tests. (Answer: "I don't know, I'll have to ask the other second grade teachers about that.")
She said it was OK to help our kids with their homework, and that we could read their AR books to them. In second grade? Really?
None of this sounded like a teacher chosen to lead a class of accelerated kids, which is what I was hoping.
Meanwhile, here comes the ugly, rearing head of jealousy: This morning Jen Moulton recounted the open house with the family program teacher, Mrs. Wiggins. In a word, stellar. Another word: exemplary.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for You have been good to me. If you are indeed there, reading this blog, I can only wonder what You are doing. Why is Isabel in this class with this teacher who's clearly on her own learning curve?
These are ugly thoughts I'm having. I'm like a tiger mom, wrapped up in my own selfish concerns for my child. I'm not mentioning the gratitude I feel for Lily's stellar kindergarten class with Mrs. Crandall. And I'm acting like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten her way for Isabel's class.
I remind myself that this is a good school, whatever teacher Isabel gets. The class size is good--just 19 kids. You are in the classroom with Isabel. I don't know everything, and You do.
Is there some grand plan? Or is that just something I've been telling myself to feel better about this uncertain life? The idea that there isn't a grand plan makes me anxious. If I think in terms of what I see around me, the tangible stuff I can touch, of course it seems there isn't one. But that may be what the psalmist is getting at--questioning God and resolving that indeed, He is there. Or at least, the psalmist chooses to believe that he is.
How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
I don't feel resolved. I still feel anxious. But I have sat down and read and psalm and written to You about it, and that's something.
How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
Last night I went to Isabel's second grade open house. The teacher was...not impressive. She's new to second grade, and didn't seem to know much about teaching it. (Last year she was an EIP teacher, and previously she taught fifth grade.) She's close to retirement.
I asked if there would be a parapro. (Answer: "I don't know. I don't know anything about that.")
I asked if the homework would vary from kid to kid. (Answer: "Not really.")
Someone asked about AR tests. (Answer: "I don't know, I'll have to ask the other second grade teachers about that.")
She said it was OK to help our kids with their homework, and that we could read their AR books to them. In second grade? Really?
None of this sounded like a teacher chosen to lead a class of accelerated kids, which is what I was hoping.
Meanwhile, here comes the ugly, rearing head of jealousy: This morning Jen Moulton recounted the open house with the family program teacher, Mrs. Wiggins. In a word, stellar. Another word: exemplary.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for You have been good to me. If you are indeed there, reading this blog, I can only wonder what You are doing. Why is Isabel in this class with this teacher who's clearly on her own learning curve?
These are ugly thoughts I'm having. I'm like a tiger mom, wrapped up in my own selfish concerns for my child. I'm not mentioning the gratitude I feel for Lily's stellar kindergarten class with Mrs. Crandall. And I'm acting like a spoiled child who hasn't gotten her way for Isabel's class.
I remind myself that this is a good school, whatever teacher Isabel gets. The class size is good--just 19 kids. You are in the classroom with Isabel. I don't know everything, and You do.
Is there some grand plan? Or is that just something I've been telling myself to feel better about this uncertain life? The idea that there isn't a grand plan makes me anxious. If I think in terms of what I see around me, the tangible stuff I can touch, of course it seems there isn't one. But that may be what the psalmist is getting at--questioning God and resolving that indeed, He is there. Or at least, the psalmist chooses to believe that he is.
How long, o Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
I don't feel resolved. I still feel anxious. But I have sat down and read and psalm and written to You about it, and that's something.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Invisible help
From Psalm 10...
Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Then the writer describes the "wicked man," who reviles the Lord," "does not seek him," and "in all his thoughts there is no room for God."
The wicked man also says to himself: "Nothing will shake me. I'll always be happy and never have trouble." He preys upon the weak and tells himself that God isn't paying attention.
But the writer insists this isn't true. He states plainly that the victim "commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless."
You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.
The question: When you feel helpless, how would it help you if you experienced God as acting on your behalf?
This is of course what I yearn for--to believe and to experience the peace and joy of a real relationship with God. But I fumble in the dark towards belief, still. I consider the generations before me, hundreds, no thousands of years' worth of Christians reading these words and believing them, or trying to believe them.
Here is what I come back to: What God instructs in the bible is love and peace and caring for one another. These are inherently good and right. That, at least, I can hold on to in a tangible way.
Lord, I pray as always for some sign that You are reading this blog. Hebrews 11 tells me that believing this without seeing it is the essence of faith. And that is what pleases You. I am stuck feeling guilty. If I was a real Christian, I would...fill in the blank. Give more money. Care for my neighbors. Stop worrying so much about my own self. All this is true. But the basic core of being a follower of Christ is letting him do the work of changing my heart, of making me want to serve others. I am already forgiven and don't need to be guilty. I just need to keep reading Scripture and listening though meditation.
Now I'm going to sit and read this psalm again several times.
I pray for protection over my husband and sweet children as they go about their day today.
In Your son's name I pray.
Amen
Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Then the writer describes the "wicked man," who reviles the Lord," "does not seek him," and "in all his thoughts there is no room for God."
The wicked man also says to himself: "Nothing will shake me. I'll always be happy and never have trouble." He preys upon the weak and tells himself that God isn't paying attention.
But the writer insists this isn't true. He states plainly that the victim "commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless."
You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.
The question: When you feel helpless, how would it help you if you experienced God as acting on your behalf?
This is of course what I yearn for--to believe and to experience the peace and joy of a real relationship with God. But I fumble in the dark towards belief, still. I consider the generations before me, hundreds, no thousands of years' worth of Christians reading these words and believing them, or trying to believe them.
Here is what I come back to: What God instructs in the bible is love and peace and caring for one another. These are inherently good and right. That, at least, I can hold on to in a tangible way.
Lord, I pray as always for some sign that You are reading this blog. Hebrews 11 tells me that believing this without seeing it is the essence of faith. And that is what pleases You. I am stuck feeling guilty. If I was a real Christian, I would...fill in the blank. Give more money. Care for my neighbors. Stop worrying so much about my own self. All this is true. But the basic core of being a follower of Christ is letting him do the work of changing my heart, of making me want to serve others. I am already forgiven and don't need to be guilty. I just need to keep reading Scripture and listening though meditation.
Now I'm going to sit and read this psalm again several times.
I pray for protection over my husband and sweet children as they go about their day today.
In Your son's name I pray.
Amen
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Humble
From Psalm 8...
You have set your glory above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise
because of your enemies
to silence the foe and the avenger.
The New Living Translation reads...
You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.
Jesus quoted this psalm. It was just after he came to the temple courts, overturned the moneychangers' tables and healed the blind and the lame. Matthew 21:16 "Do you hear what these children are saying?" the religious teachers asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?"
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You have set your glory above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise
because of your enemies
to silence the foe and the avenger.
The New Living Translation reads...
You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.
Jesus quoted this psalm. It was just after he came to the temple courts, overturned the moneychangers' tables and healed the blind and the lame. Matthew 21:16 "Do you hear what these children are saying?" the religious teachers asked him. "Yes," replied Jesus, "have you never read, "'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise'?"
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?
You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
You made him rule over the works of your hands,
you put everything under his feet.
Yesterday, Isabel was slightly better behaved. Both girls appear to be happy at school. I will try not to take that for granted. Thank you, Lord.
I was disappointed that Isabel didn't get into the Family Program at school, and Jen Moulton is delighted that her daughter Hannah got in. She talked about it at the bus stop this morning. When she mentioned that one of her classmates was a new girl from California, I wondered, "Why did a new kid get into Family?"
Lord, today with this passage, You say, Be gentle, humble. Love people. Know that you are treasured, and that the Lord of heaven and earth created you. And then take that knowledge and be a humble steward. There is power in gentle love.
So...I am grateful for the class that Isabel was placed in, and I humbly accept the placement. The program may be unfair, the selection system may be flawed. But it's not at all important in the overall scheme of things, and it's not for me to gripe about. I'm grateful that my children go to a good school and they're thriving.
I continue to pray for direction--what to do next? I pray for protection over Lee and my children as they go about their day today. I pray that I would grow spiritually.
In Your son's name I pray.
Amen
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Lord accepts my prayer.
From Psalm 6...
O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy,
the Lord accepts my prayer.
There's a rushing river around me, moving everyone and everything forward. I feel like I'm just trying to keep up. School began yesterday. Isabel and Lily, sweet, sweet, sweet, off together on the school bus. And me back to an empty house.
I want to use my time wisely. I want to be inspired, and to write something worthwhile. For months now I've wondered, What next? I still don't know. Two years ago, I spent the year praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. I put a deadline on the request. (I felt moved to do it.) Nothing happened.
My desires: To get that rush of fulfillment when I'm enjoying the writing process. To earn money. To prove myself, to prove that all that work towards becoming a writing professional wasn't for naught. To prove that I'm more than just a stay-at-home mom with a part-time TV writing gig.
Lord, You are supposed to be at the center of my life. What does that mean, how does that affect what I do with my precious time alone? Am I seeking the wrong things? Of course my motivation is corrupted by my sinful nature. So are my desires. But I must do SOMETHING. I'm going to try to listen for You. To notice opportunities around me. I am doubtful that You exist, but that doesn't mean You don't exist. I don't trust my sense of when You are nudging or guiding. I've been dead wrong so many times. NONETHELESS, I am going to try to listen for You again.
Requests: Isabel behaved atrociously yesterday. I have given her too much rope, and now I feel I need to pull her in. I want her to obey me with a "Yes, Ma'am" when I ask her to do things.
Some of the things she loves: treats in her lunchbox, playdates with Hannah, playing on the iPad/Dad's iPhone/my computer, LPS. She needs to earn these things through good behavior. That means saying "Yes, Ma'am," and doing it whenever I ask her to do something.
The first time she disobeys, she will lose a lunchbox treat the next day. The second time, she will lose a lunchbox treat for two days in a row. The third time, she will start having to hand over LPS animals (five at a time). The fourth time, she will lose playdate privileges with Hannah.
I pray that You will oversee this system as I try to implement it. I pray that she will begin to obey right away. I also pray that I will be a reasonable parent who chooses her battles and doesn't tyrannize my children.
I pray for Lee, who must be disappointed about not getting a call back for the CNN job. He's also stressed at work. I pray for his health, his diet, his confidence, and that he would know how much I love him.
In Your son's name I pray,
Amen
O Lord do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish.
How long, O Lord, how long?
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy,
the Lord accepts my prayer.
There's a rushing river around me, moving everyone and everything forward. I feel like I'm just trying to keep up. School began yesterday. Isabel and Lily, sweet, sweet, sweet, off together on the school bus. And me back to an empty house.
I want to use my time wisely. I want to be inspired, and to write something worthwhile. For months now I've wondered, What next? I still don't know. Two years ago, I spent the year praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. I put a deadline on the request. (I felt moved to do it.) Nothing happened.
My desires: To get that rush of fulfillment when I'm enjoying the writing process. To earn money. To prove myself, to prove that all that work towards becoming a writing professional wasn't for naught. To prove that I'm more than just a stay-at-home mom with a part-time TV writing gig.
Lord, You are supposed to be at the center of my life. What does that mean, how does that affect what I do with my precious time alone? Am I seeking the wrong things? Of course my motivation is corrupted by my sinful nature. So are my desires. But I must do SOMETHING. I'm going to try to listen for You. To notice opportunities around me. I am doubtful that You exist, but that doesn't mean You don't exist. I don't trust my sense of when You are nudging or guiding. I've been dead wrong so many times. NONETHELESS, I am going to try to listen for You again.
Requests: Isabel behaved atrociously yesterday. I have given her too much rope, and now I feel I need to pull her in. I want her to obey me with a "Yes, Ma'am" when I ask her to do things.
Some of the things she loves: treats in her lunchbox, playdates with Hannah, playing on the iPad/Dad's iPhone/my computer, LPS. She needs to earn these things through good behavior. That means saying "Yes, Ma'am," and doing it whenever I ask her to do something.
The first time she disobeys, she will lose a lunchbox treat the next day. The second time, she will lose a lunchbox treat for two days in a row. The third time, she will start having to hand over LPS animals (five at a time). The fourth time, she will lose playdate privileges with Hannah.
I pray that You will oversee this system as I try to implement it. I pray that she will begin to obey right away. I also pray that I will be a reasonable parent who chooses her battles and doesn't tyrannize my children.
I pray for Lee, who must be disappointed about not getting a call back for the CNN job. He's also stressed at work. I pray for his health, his diet, his confidence, and that he would know how much I love him.
In Your son's name I pray,
Amen
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