Today's pleas

This is from The Message, a variation on Proverbs 3:4-5:


Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.


I feel like I'm casting about, flailing. I am as solid as I can be with respect to Isabel and Lily--getting them fed and dressed and off to school, then healthy snacks and homework, teacher conferences and testing, and bathed and read to and to sleep. But in all other things I feel like I'm drifting.


Lee: I wish that he wouldn't drink. Lord, I pray that You would put it on his heart that he should stop drinking. I pray for his job security, for his confidence. All these are selfish concerns, prayers for myself. I pray for myself, then, that you would work on my selfish heart. I pray that you would speak to me during the women's retreat, but well before then, too. I pray that I would listen for your voice in everything I do, everywhere I go.


work: I don't feel that I'm being led, but then I never do. What's next for me? I have this desire to write, and to write well, but my contacts are few and my champions are none. No editor to guide me. I don't say this out of self pity. It's a challenge I can manage--getting this going. I think, anyway. But I need to know what steps to take. I prayed to you last year that you would show me an opportunity to write something (a book?) that glorifies you. No sign of this. I wrote an essay and sent it to Good Housekeeping, but despite my repeated efforts, the literary editor hasn't acknowledged me. What next, Lord?


service: Lee isn't on board with adopting another child, and that is fine. He's right. But I want to do something, mentor, help a child in some other way. Part of me wants to step out and just do it--to seek out Project One on One in Roswell, and go through orientation. I would have to find childcare for Isabel and Lily. Unless...I did it on Wednesdays, when Mom is already watching them. Lord, what do you think about that? Will you show me what you would have me be doing?


quiet time: Please help me with this! Put ideas in my head about how I can do more of this. I want to have a devotional time with the children. Show me how to do this please!


exercise: I need to start. Please stretch my time so I can fit this in, too. 


I want my life to be more meaningful. I wanted to do a better job as a wife, as a mother, as a writer, and someone who can help in the hurting world around me.


In your son's name I pray.


Amen

Taking the Next Step

I read an Oswald Chambers passage today called Taking the Next Step. He wrote...


We lose interest and give up when we have no vision, no encouragement, and no improvement, but only experience our everyday life with its trivial tasks...The only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep your eyes on Him, and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you.


I find this helpful. Now back to the drudgery!
: )

No more me, please.

Thoughts in the wake of reading Oswald Chambers today...

At what point will I come to an end of myself and all of my self-sufficiency? All my promises and resolutions end in denial, because I have no power to accomplish them. I am anxious, I am gossipy, I am adrift without a direction.

If and when I give in--and re-develop a prayer life--then there will be One who directs the course of my life.

And from reading Tim Keller's The Age of Reason...

Sin separates us from the presence of God, which is the source of all joy, love, wisdom, and good things of any sort. Since we were originally created for God's immediate presence, only before his face will we thrive, flourish, and achieve our highest potential. If we were to lose his presence totally, that would be hell--the loss of our capability for giving or receiving love or joy.

I am not in hell, far from it. Keller speaks of drug or alcohol addiction, for example, as "hell writ small." Where I am is not even that. But I am experiencing a teensy bit of what self-absorption creates: bitterness, envy, anxiety, mental denials and distortions.

Things going on right now:

A week of anxiety over Isabel's and Lily's swim lessons, my plans for them gone awry. But my anxiety led to a diplomatically worded email, followed by a fraught conversation with the swim director. And I've come to an uneasy compromise--two private lessons instead, and we'll go from there, depending on how much of my money is left. Where is Jesus in this? Still with me, anyway.

Isabel scored very well--high marks, at 99%--on a standardized test meant to identity gifted students. The score enabled her to go on to further testing. At first, I was simply happy and proud. A little bit smug and self-satisfied. I have done everything I can to nurture her learning, and it was a lovely moment to see that she qualified for further testing.

Then I found out that 12 students (more than half the class, including neighborhood friends like Lucy and Emily) had qualified for further testing. The accomplishment seemed a bit diminished.

Then I found out that while some of Isabel's friends scored high enough for further testing, certain others didn't. Neither of the Hannahs, nor Lauren, either. Again, a little bit of smug self-satisfaction rose up in me.

Then I spoke to Emily's mom, who enlightened me about some cattiness going on--miffed mothers of children who didn't make the cut.

Then I felt guilty. I tried to put myself in the shoes of those mothers. And I felt compassionate. Now I want to look at it from Jesus' perspective. They are disappointed. They too give of themselves to nurture their children. I want to be a source of comfort to them.

How does this relate to the above? Lord, fill me with lasting compassion. Show me how to address the topic with moms of kids who didn't make the cut. Don't let me take my eyes off of You. Can you keep my eyes on You just for today? I don't want to be on my own. On my own, I am smug, self-assured, and totally insecure. I don't want to see any of this from my perspective. I want to see it from your perspective.

Tricky Faith

I'm a planner, and I do my best for my children. And sometimes it's not enough, or it goes wrong. When that happens, I lose my ability to breathe deeply.

I researched swim lesson programs, knowing that lessons aren't very effective unless your child is swimming the whole time. That's the inherent problem with group lessons. Just sitting by the side of the pool while the other learners swim isn't efficient. Private lessons would be better. But while group lessons are moderately expensive, private lessons are so expensive that they are cost prohibitive. So I signed my girls up for the group lessons at the less expensive of the two local swim schools. 

It seemed like the best option because...

a. Over a three month period, I would save $200 over the cost of the other swim school.

b. The director assured me that the kids would be swimming the whole time, as long as they were in the semi-advanced group.

What happened was...

The girls ended up in a lower level class that requires them to sit at the side of the pool a lot. The instructor was rude and sour-faced. She told me that the girls were in the right class for them, and that it would be a long time before they moved up to the class where you're swimming the whole time and not just sitting and waiting your turn. 

My reaction was...

I am stressed out and burdened with the problem of what to do about this. I want to call the office and say...what exactly?

Make my life easier? Make my kids happy? Stop being so annoying?

Lord, I want to put this situation in Your hands. At the same time, I don't want to be a doormat. I just sent the swim director an email with a diplomatically worded statement of my concerns. 

I want to put this situation in Your hands, but what does that look like? Sitting back and doing nothing? Sending this email and THEN allowing You to work? This is the part of faith that is so tricky to me. I want to be a proactive person who ALSO trusts in You. I want to be able to breathe deeply, too.

Lord, I want, I want, I want. I'm sorry that I am so greedy. I am going to try to trust You.

In Your son's name I pray,

Amen