Submission

The book we read this month for NGM (For Women Only) was unhelpful to me. But the marriage exercises, which are based on Scripture, are better. Today's Scripture was 1 Peter 3:1-2;7. I Googled "Christian woman submissive but strong." One of the sites that came up was reason4living.com. There's an article on that site that helped me with 1 Peter 3:1-2;7. I've cut and pasted some particularly helpful sections (and cleaned up the writing) here:

In the same way you wives must submit to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe.  It will not be necessary for you to say a word, because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.  For the devout women of the past who placed their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful by submitting to their husbands.  Sarah was like that; she obeyed Abraham and called him her master.  You are now her daughters if you do good and are not afraid of anything. (1 Peter 3:1-7 Good News Bible)

A woman's submissive conduct can communicate in a way that reaches deeper into a man's heart and mind more deeply than words alone can accomplish. Submissive obedience is extremely attractive and therapeutically calming for a man's troubled soul. When a man takes the headship in a relationship (i.e., he takes the role that God intended him to have), a woman will find that it creates some sort of deep resonance within her. And in a similar way, when a woman takes the role God intended for her (that of submitting to her man), there will be a corresponding and undeniable resonance within the man's soul.  It is something like the genuine smile, the genuine hug of affection. Something happens at a subconscious level that cannot be avoided or denied.  When the wife moves more deeply into the role she was created to fulfill by submitting to her husband, her husband is automatically moved closer to his created role, which is to submit to God.  In marriage the two became one, and if one of the two moves then the other one moves too!

When a wife judges the virtue of her husband's commands, she forgets that she chose to marry an imperfect man, and that she herself is imperfect and liable to make mistakes. God, who has always known all of these things, has already prescribed his own solution, namely that women should submit to and obey their imperfect husbands.  


If we follow God's plan (a fallen women submits willingly to her husband while accepting that he is a fallen man who will sometimes desire what he shouldn't), then we can anticipate some very positive results:


1. She is constantly affirming him with her respectful obedience and her submissive attitude; too few women understand the beneficial power of this kind of behavior.


2.  The gently submissive wife is helping to create an peaceable, calm and non threatening environment in which her husband feels at ease to question and criticize his own attitudes and to listen to her challenges.  Of course, if the man were a perfect man then he would be humble enough to accept a challenge from his wife under any circumstances. But, then again, if he were a perfect man this entire discussion would be unnecessary.  


3. The wife is setting a good example, and everybody is naturally attracted to righteousness, even if they resent they way it shows up their own faults. 


4. The wife will be growing into the role that God intended her to fulfill. Therefore, she will be being obedient to God, regardless of her husband's faults. Because she and her husband are intimately, spiritually conjoined,  as she moves more deeply into her God-intended role, her husband is automatically moved towards his God-intended role. The conjoining is elastic, not rigid. But nonetheless, if one moves, the other must eventually be moved too.  


5. The wife is learning to love in the biblical sense of that word. She is learning to be patient, to be kind, to keep no record of faults, to persevere, to constantly hope and so on.  It is interesting to remember that the definition of love as given in 1 Corinthians 13 is expressed entirely in terms of having a positive response to bad or negative events. This implies that we cannot use bad events as an excuse for not loving one's spouse as God desires us to.


6. The wife's obedient submission means that there is more likely to be harmony in the home instead of quarrelling.  It is true that there are rare occasions when a quarrel has a beneficial cathartic effect and is better than false harmony, but in general harmony is to be preferred.  


7. The woman's submissive attitude will be evident to other people outside the home, and God will be glorified because of it. Furthermore, in time, it is quite likely that some other men will remark positively to the husband about his wife's pleasant nature (particularly if it contrasts with the prickly behavior of their own women). That will enhance his appreciation of her and help create within him a greater willingness to communicate and perhaps to compromise.  Also some people will be led to ask about the source of the love that they see in the wife, and she will be able to mention the name of Jesus to them.  


8. The husband's faults are the stone against which the wife's virtues are to be honed. She will have ample opportunity to develop humility, patience and perseverance, to learn the power of prayer and to learn to trust.  She will also have ample opportunity to reflect upon, and work to diminish, her own faults and failings, which are likely much greater than she realizes.  


9. Faithful and trusting obedience releases God's power into the world.  A wife who obeys her husband out of respect for God's command is thereby automatically obeying God, regardless of what her husband commands.  Moses was neither the first nor the last person who was called to trust and obey an instruction he didn't fully agree with in circumstances that he didn't fully understand.  Throughout the bible, the trusting obedience of just one person is repeatedly seen to be sufficient to allow the awesome power of God to flow from heaven to Earth.  

Love is patient.

For this month's session of NGM, the marriage exercises are in four parts. The first part quotes 1 Corinthians 13:38, and then asks the following questions:

What evidences of God's handiwork can you see in your spouse when you take the time to look for them?


Lee is very nurturing, which is no doubt God's handiwork. He has a natural ease and wit around me and our children (and our dog!) that only we get to see. Having a dog around again, after all these years, reminds me of what Lee is like when he's given the opportunity to lavish his love on someone without emotional risk. He becomes patient, gentle.

Lee is so sensitive. His feelings get hurt very easily, and that stiffens him up. I hurt his feelings so carelessly--most of the time I have no idea I've done it--and then he retreats away from me emotionally.

His dog never hurts his feelings or criticizes him. His dog loves him unconditionally, and Lee loves the dog unconditionally in return. He adores the dog, and that love for the dog pours out of him effortlessly.

The evidence of God's handiwork that I see in my spouse is this effortless ability, and this longing, to adore someone. At his best, this is what Lee is so very good at. Unfortunately, our broken world frustrates that inner longing at every turn. I am one of the few people who's privileged to see glimpses of Lee at times when his casual, witty love just pours out of him. In other words, around the dog, around the children, and sometimes around me. It doesn't happen often. It used to, for a time.

What are personal qualities of your spouse and contributions your spouse makes to your life for which you thank God?


I thank God that Lee is easy to be around. He fits me like a glove, personality-wise. I know that this is rare, because I was single for a long time before I met him. He loves politics, like I do, and he likes TV, like I do, too. He is all about our children, which is obviously a big interest of mine (in my case, it's almost to a fault). He provides for our family; I barely work at all in comparison to him. This is a stroke of luck that I sometimes take for granted. He gets along well with my mom, and I adore my mom. He is a Christian man who reads the same Christian sorts of books that I like to read. How hard it would be to be married to someone who wasn't open to God!

In fact, God is working in his life, and in mine, and that's exciting.

Lord, You put Lee and me together. Other things (satan? spiritual forces? the evil already inside us?) seep into the cracks between us. But You are the central focus of everything. If we can keep our eyes on You, this should be easier! Please help me to keep my eyes on You.


What should I do about the money saving situation? One month into our savings--we just got the cards in the mail yesterday--and Lee already wants to blow $1000 of it by helping out Tom Conlon. Lee knew that I'd resist, and when I did he became very angry.


It's hard on Lee when I resist. It's hard on our marriage. But hiring Bobby C hasn't solved the problem, because Lee isn't listening to Bobby C. I want to open my own savings account, but I'm afraid to broach the topic with Lee. Lord, please guide me on this. I won't say anything until I hear from You.


I pray for Sara, so many things. She is Yours. You are more concerned for her than I am. I don't know what You're doing with her, and I certainly don't know what my role is in it, but I continue to pray for her.


I pray that You will settle my anxious heart.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Selective Naivety

I've been wrestling with something over the last week. The first part of this post is a lot of raw truth, otherwise known as venting. But there is a teensy bit of light at the end, some slowly-dawning revelations.

It all started when Natalie sent a link to her friend Julie's blog. A beautifully written blog by a Christian woman in a similar life phase as mine. (Two little kids, slightly younger than mine.)

Her posts are incredibly upbeat. She expresses joy over the rain. She writes a valentine to her husband, who comes off like a kinder, more loving and generous version of Brad Pitt + Johnny Depp + Jon Hamm all rolled into one. She writes about going from a size 12 to a size 2, all through the love of Jesus (not that she cares about her dress size one bit, since she cares only about God now). She writes about her father's suicide (!), stating only the bare fact of it before launching into a heartfelt praise of God, who stood by her through the ordeal. The way she describes it hardly sounds like an ordeal, though. It's more like just one more opportunity to celebrate God. And her most recent post describes the joy she feels at God's helping her to overcome fear of losing her husband Ryan during his mission trip to the Middle East.

I read her posts, and I thought: She lost her dad to suicide (think of all that this implies, eternally speaking!); she's juggling a preschooler, a toddler and a third pregnancy; and her husband has chosen THIS moment to leave the family and travel into a dangerous country to evangelize (which means that he is, in effect, tempting the dangerous thugs to target him). What a cruel and irresponsible thing to do, sitting her down mere months after her father's death, and showing her the life insurance paperwork in case he loses his life overseas, on a dangerous trip he chose to take!

One of my real struggles with the Christian faith is my reaction to Christians. For me, especially in my writing, I put a high premium on presenting situations as truthfully as possible. I'm the opposite of a sugar-coater; if a passage is too rosy, I'll balance it out with a concession.  There are checks and balances: Missions are a good thing, of course, but so is being around for one's family. Faith and common sense don't have to be mutually exclusive. And being a cheerleader for your husband is a good thing, but there must be a boundary there, too, wherein you keep yourself from being his doormat.

Then I read the NGM book, For Women Only. The book ladled out the same old obvious facts that I already knew. Respect your husband. Have sex with him often. Affirm him constantly, because his ego is fragile. The book, however, doesn't address what to do when your husband needs correction. (For a Christian woman who sees her husband as perfect, this wouldn't be necessary, of course. That's why Christian women who blog about their perfect husbands don't encourage me.)

What do you do when you believe that his bad money decisions need to NOT be affirmed, because they're not smart? What to do when you feel that his fragile ego and his selfishness combine in the ugliest of ways, putting you and your children at risk? Affirm him anyway. Respect his decisions. Have lots of sex. And trust that God will work it all out. Great, thanks for nothing.

All week, my heart was burdened with these negative thoughts. I couldn't shake them. I felt like I was wrong, like I was acting out. But I also couldn't line myself up with what was right. It's not enough to realize that I'm wrong. I need to be convinced that the other way is right. Or more to the point, not just right but intellectually adequate, too.

On Saturday morning, I woke up with an idea. What if I crafted a blog that described my circumstances truthfully, but not altogether truthfully? What if I wrote it from the perspective of my alternate self, someone who loves God and purposely sees everything through His viewpoint? It wouldn't be raw and honest, but it could still be what's going on. Just from a different perspective.

At church on Sunday, Tim spoke on the passage in Mark when Jesus meets the woman at the well. There had been longstanding conflict and hatred between the Jews and the Samaritans, who now had no dealings with one another. But Jesus disregards this. He just starts talking to her. Next Tim quoted a theologian's commentary about the passage. "It is as though Jesus were oblivious to the divisions that separated the two peoples."

"Notice he didn't say that Jesus was oblivious to the divisions," Tim explained. "He said 'It was as though he were oblivious.'"

Here was Jesus, still smart, still knowing, but acting as though the negative cultural issues around him didn't exist. This seemed like a message aimed straight at me. Tim called later that day, and I told him about what I've been wrestling with, and how maybe God was talking to me through his sermon.

Tim is my kind of Christian. He noted first that Julie-with-the-perfect-husband might not be showing all her cards, and that Christians who are more raw (like me) can be better witnesses in some situations. But he also brought up the term "selective naivety," and it put a label on what I was mulling over the day before. You can be selectively naive about how you describe and react to your circumstances, choosing to acknowledge the God angle and not the side of things that, while true, isn't necessarily helpful. This doesn't mean you're checking your brain at the door; you're just looking at the situation in a different way.


Last night I asked Lee if he could set up the blog section of our family's website, so that I can start writing it. He said that would be easy to do. Its unspoken title will be Selective Naivety.

Divorced from God

Today's passage (Isaiah 50:1-5) is about God's people being divorced from God, and God is telling them that it wasn't Him who abandoned them, but the other way around. "When I called, why was there no one to answer? Was my arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you?"

I feel divorced from God most of the time. It's tedious work to read Scripture, and to meditate on it (suppressing distractions like children and dogs and the rest), and to try to solve the riddle of how it relates to my life. The God who speaks in Isaiah is poetic and demonstrative and commanding. And loving. I'm still mad, though, that this is just dialogue in a book. (Yes, a living, magical book. But I can still close it!)

Today's passage is in effect telling me that this is my fault, not God's. Or humankind's fault, anyway. Then Jesus' voice takes over: "The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary."

Lily just asked me, "Will you please get me some granola?" I said, "Yes, in five minutes." She said, "What about five seconds?" I said, "Five minutes." She said, "Can you put on a TV show for me while I'm waiting for my granola?"

Now she is whining and asking again and again.

Post sabotaged.

For my name's sake.

In the passage today (Isaiah 49:22-26), God says that He will come through in a big way. "Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed." I think of my professional life, and my prayers for writing opportunities. It's looking a little bleak right now, but--hurray!--God says "those who hope in me will not be disappointed."

The passage ends with Him saying, "Then all mankind will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob." This is meant to be a comfort, as if to say, "Of course I'm going to help you. My very name will benefit from it." But then my racing thoughts sprint ahead to Hebrews 11, where God says that some of His faithful have gotten to see God's promises come true, and some have not. We're meant to persevere in the faith anyway. This contradicts the Isaiah passage. And of course it does. All I have to do is look around me. Things don't turn out perfectly just because you're a Christian, and God wants to glorify His name.

How do I reconcile these two opposing messages, both from Scripture? Well, today's message from God still stands: "Those who hope in me will not be disappointed." True, I might not get what I think I want, but nonetheless I will not be disappointed. This is vague (isn't it always?!) but still comforting.

I have to stop asking the question, "What can I get from God?" I have to start trusting in this God who I can't see, and who doesn't make me any specific promises in this life. Inherently I know that self-sacrifice and caring for others is the way to conduct my life. What will I get for behaving this way, through trust in Mr. Silent and Invisible? Peace of heart and mind--a gift that the world cannot give me, but that Jesus Christ can.

Lord, help.

Forsaken

Today's scripture is Isaiah 49:14-21.

"But Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me." (49:14)

I think this is how I've been feeling, and acting. I haven't felt God's presence, or seen Him work. I pray for Sara. Nothing. I pray for professional guidance. Nothing. I feel a little...abandoned? No, that's not how I process His silence. The way I process His silence is that I stop believing. I revert back to square one, which is just me. No God to speak of. And I act accordingly: selfishly, defensively. How can I do this by myself?

If there is no God standing over me, caring for me, guiding my path, then I am hopelessly drifting. I have all these responsibilities, and all these little, niggling issues to deal with. Meanwhile, I watch others pass me by. I lose hope.

In today's passage God answers Zion's complaint. "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."

Then he goes on to prophecy what will happen next: He will restore His people to their land and punish their enemies.

Lord, I am truly sorry. Are you speaking to me? Reassuring me because You know that this is what my unease is about? I'm sorry. I need Your love to wash over me, so that I can soften my heart towards others and not cause further distress in this already distressful world.


I pray for Your peace today.
In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Scattered.

The Isaiah passage today (49:7-13) didn't speak to me. It was about the new covenant with God and His people. The BSF question asks, "How are you related to this covenant?" I imagine I'm related because all who believe in Jesus and who ask for forgiveness will be restored. Sometimes the constant drumming of this message can render it meaningless.

I go back to the passage. Verse 13 says the Lord "will have compassion on his afflicted ones." In other words, by sending Jesus.

Lord, I am dealing with play dates and summer planning and Lily's classmates (gymnastics? VBS?) and on and on. I can hardly settle my mind on You. You are the most relevant thing--the center of my life. And yet...it is so difficult to bring a 2000+ old text into the daily nonsense I'm enmeshed in. 


You say, "the Lord will have compassion on his afflicted ones." This is your message to me today, even as I'm chomping at the bit to leave you, to get up from this computer and go on my way. You have compassion on me.


I'm sorry I'm so angry about Easter. You are the central focus of Easter. Because of Easter, I will never be (eternally) separated from my family. I can celebrate that day with joy, because that's what it's about. Family. This world is so frustrating. But that's what faith is about--seeing through the frustrating things to what's really going on. You are always doing a new thing.


Thank you for your peace.


I pray for Sara. I pray for direction in my writing. I pray that You will direct me in how to be the wife I'm supposed to be.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Mentoring Essay

Here is my essay about the book we read for Next Generation Mentoring this month:

The Principle of the Path is mind-numbingly obvious. That's not to say that I don't love Andy Stanley's book; I do! It might be my favorite that we've read so far. He's a funny writer; and he's able to get to the point quickly—a literary aptitude I really appreciate.

And he's right. The direction you are currently traveling—relationally, financially, spiritually and so on—will determine where you end up in each of those respective areas. Oftentimes, we don't end up where we want to be. In my opinion, there are two reasons for that.

Stanley offers one of them: We know that in order to get what we want later, we need to sacrifice and practice self-control now. But we don't want to deny ourselves now. It's human nature; we want to be happy in the moment.  As Stanley writes, on page 57: "Our problem stems from the fact that we are not on a quest to know what's true, what's right, what's honorable. We are on a happiness quest. And our quest for happiness often trumps our appreciation for and pursuit of what's true."

Right on. I agree. But it's not so simple as that. There's a second reason why we don't end up at the destination we planned…

If you're anything like me, you have LOTS of destinations in mind. You want a strong marriage AND you want to give your kids everything you have AND you want an intimate walk with God AND a thriving (or at least somewhat meaningful) career AND you want to be financially secure AND the list goes on.

The problem for me has never been a lack of planning or self-control. The problem is that I have too many destinations in mind, and frankly, I'm not willing to give any of them up. I don't relate to Stanley's examples—which are, by and large, about people who could make easy changes if only they had self-control.

A husband wants his kids to respect him…but then he openly flirts with other women in the neighborhood.

A young Christian wants intimacy with God…but then he gets up and reads the newspaper instead of the Bible.

In examples like these, the person is choosing laziness or instant gratification over hard work. The person is lacking self-control. My issue—and that of most of my friends—is much more subtle. It's not a matter of giving up a bad habit or training myself to focus on what's true, what's right and what's honorable. If I'm not arriving at my chosen destination, it's only because I'm busy seeking the truth, rightness and honor that lead to another important destination.

An hour or so ago, I had a rare window of time to myself. I thought, "I need to go and write my book report for Next Generation Mentoring." But my husband was sitting on the porch, and seemed open to sitting and talking. In this situation, there are two destinations to consider. One is following the direction of spiritual intimacy with God. The other is following the direction of strengthening my marriage. Both are good destinations. In this case, I chose my husband, and pushed off my spiritual time.

My day—all of my days, in fact—are composed of making such choices. Oh, how I wish it were a matter of choosing whether to casually flip through the newspaper or to read the Bible. It's not. It's about prioritizing which areas to give my self-control to. There are some positive destinations I will never reach, because other positive destinations will take precedence. This is the point where I enter The Principle of the Path.

Which of my destinations is most important to me? Here is where I go off course. If I'm being totally honest, I probably put being a good mother slightly ahead of being a good wife. If I had to let one of them slide—my marriage or my commitment to my children—my natural inclination is to lean towards my children. They are so easy to love; it takes more work to love and care for my complicated, grown-up husband. Do I have to choose one over the other? No. But there are little decisions to make, all through the day and night. I'm called to choose between husband and children constantly. And my default is the children.

As much as I liked this book, I feel that Stanley left out the last chapter. He established that we need to recognize (a) that we're often not on the right path and (b) that the reason we're not on the right path is because our pursuit of happiness trumps our pursuit of what's true and right.

But the most important question is: How do we motivate ourselves to pursue what's true and right, even when it goes against our own comfort level or desires? How do I prioritize my husband, when I'd rather prioritize my children? On pages 153-154, Stanley gives his answer. Here's my paraphrase of it: "Now that you know the truth about your path, why not change course?"

And…that's how he ends his argument. Well, I have to say that this doesn't work for me. Just knowing that I'm giving in to my sinful heart, and then deciding to change course, is not going to keep me from making the same mistakes again. If just knowing the truth allowed me to change, I would have done it long ago.

Here's the point that Stanley should have been leading up to: Jesus Christ knows my selfishness. "Well do I know your treachery," God told the Israelites through the prophet Isaiah. Jesus Christ knows my treachery. And still He chose to endure my much-deserved punishment. What's my response to that?

I am certain of His love for me, even when I go on sinning. So my motivation to change is all about Him. Why should I make less selfish choices? Because it's the right thing to do, and also because the God who created the universe is in my corner, quietly, gently rooting for me. I may grieve his heart every day, with every bad decision I make, but He faithfully watches over me, and silently leads me on. I am so selfish I could cry. But what really makes me cry is that He sticks around anyway. When I remember His gentle, constant love for me, I want to do the right thing. For Him, I want to choose the least selfish, best possible destination.

Living wisely

"Be careful, then, how you live--not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16

Am I being careful how I live? I am a careful person. I don't like wasting time. If I have laundry to fold, or if Lee wants me to hang out with him, I use that time to watch TV. I try to schedule in errands before picking up the children. I go to Trader Joe's with only 10 minutes to spare, allotting myself just that block of time. I am careful with my time.

I am careful, too, with planning out my path, with my destination in mind. The Andy Stanley book was mere common sense to me. Of course you must show self-control and will power today, in order to arrive at your best destination tomorrow! I started planning my kids' summer camps/activities while it was still cold out, long before many of those opportunities were even available for enrollment. I wanted to be ready for the fiercely competitive sign-ups. It's only March, and I'm already chomping at the bit to sign Lily up for summer gymnastics. I want to be ready, and I'm careful about it.

I am careful, almost to a fault. But this isn't the carefulness that Paul is talking about. He's not talking about efficiency. He's talking about being alert to opportunities that arise around me. What kinds of opportunities? Opportunities to show Lee that I appreciate, value and respect him. Opportunities to stand firm against the temptation to give into the disappointment I often feel. To remember that I am, first and foremost, Lee's helper.

I'm to be alert to opportunities to make Lee my first priority, after God. The "after God" part is an extremely important part of that sentence. Because normally, I don't feel like making Lee my first priority. I have careful planning to do. I put the children first. They are so easy to love, and my heart takes the path of least resistance. But if I love God first, if I recognize His love for me, then this is...easier. Not easy, because left to my own devices, I am treacherous (as Isaiah would say). But easier. Because how could I not follow God's ways, knowing that He's forgiven me, and accepted me into Heaven? And God's ways are...

"Be careful, then, how you live--not as unwise, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil." Ephesians 5:15-16

The wise choice is to support Lee, even when I don't feel like it.

Lord, please give me strength to do this. Please make it easy.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Golden Rule

As I read today's passage (Isaiah 48:12-22), I sit in my dark, quiet office, and there's a soaking rain outside. Isabel just got on the bus; Lee and Lily are still sleeping. I am dealing with what to do with the children this summer and how to spend the $600 I've allotted for their activities. I am adjusting to our new dog, who at the moment smells like soaking wet dog. I have things to do today...cleaning the house, writing my post, checking in on Mom and Dad's new house, figuring out dinner, caring for the children, their play date.

In Japan, an earthquake happened, and then a tsunami, and now several nuclear reactor plants are exploding, and one released radiation yesterday. Thousands died, hundreds of thousands have been left homeless. It must seem like the end of the world.

The Lord is urging me to recognize His all-encompassing greatness and authority over everything. "I am he; I am the first and I am the last. My own hand laid the foundations of the earth, and my right hand spread out the heavens; when I summon them, they all stand up together." He then urges, again, that people (like me?) turn away from idols.

"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea."

As far as paying attention to His commands, well, His commands are many; but they can be summed up.

"In everything do to others as you would have them do to you. Enter through the narrow gate. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it." Lord, your command is to care for others, to put other people first. To allow You to care for me, so that I can care for others. How do I put this into practice?

Lord, I only have to look around me to see who may need me today. I will try to stay alert and not fall asleep at the switch. I pray for those who are suffering in Japan. I pray for my sister. I pray for Lee, and for my precious girls.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Monday morning

I have a cold again. Third one in two months. The girls messed with my chair, and now I'm sitting up high and can't get it back to normal position. I'm out of cream for my coffee, so I'm going without.

This morning isn't going my way.

Isaiah 48:1-11. God is scolding His people, telling them they don't deserve to be saved, though He's saving them anyway, for His name's sake. The Bible question: Where do you feel caught between relying on Christian doctrines yet living by the values of modern idols?

I wrote the VBS skit scripts, and hoped that a group of awesome women my age would come together to act them out with me. (A replication of the drama team at PCNP.) But this is not New Jersey, and things don't work the same way here.

I must ask myself: Why am I doing this? To make friends? Yep. A better reason would be to serve as a VBS volunteer, to participate in reaching out to kids and telling them about God. Whether or not I make friends should be secondary. So I am going to set aside this "modern idol"--my comfort, my desire for friendship--and move forward as one who's got her eyes on being part of a larger agenda, God's agenda. I know that God will work out the rest.

Verse 6b says, "From now on I will tell you of new things, of hidden things unknown to you."

Yesterday I heard an author on NPR discussing her novel, about a woman who passes through a portal from one life to another. In one, she's a pregnant, Volvo-driving suburban mother. In the other, she's a young, single, city dweller. When she makes a choice in one life, she automatically makes the opposite choice in the other life.

This interested me, because I'm interested in the unseen. What's going on, and what's really going on. Two different lives, same person. God sees the big picture, the hidden things unknown to me. I am interested in writing about this, possibly in a novel format. But it's just a tiny germ of an idea.

Lord, you know my sinful heart. As You say in verse 8b, "Well do I know how treacherous you are." Well do I know it, too. But still I ask that You fill me with ideas, or guide me in the direction creatively that You would have me go in. 


Should I be doing more for Sara? This is one of my issues--my tendency to let things go. By ignoring things, I'm taking a path. Does she need my help? I am at a loss. Keep my ears open to hear You if You have something for me to do. 


I pray for people who are really sick, chronically sick, and I thank You that I am just sick now in a passing way, that I'll be fine probably by Thursday. Point out things to me that I'm missing.


I pray for Lee today, as he got so little sleep last night, and the night before, and this is such a slippery slope. 


I pray for my precious children, for Your protection over them and that You'll show me what I'm supposed to be teaching them.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

School Supplies

In Isaiah 47, God unleashes his anger towards the Babylonians.

"Now then, listen, you wanton creature, lounging in your security and saying to yourself, 'I am, and there is none besides me. I will never be a widow or suffer the loss of children.' Both of these will overtake you in a moment, on a single day: loss of children and widowhood."

(He is speaking metaphorically, against those who organize against Him, but He has touched on my greatest fear. I suppose this is a universal greatest fear, but still. God points out my greatest fear.)

The BSF questions ask, "In what ways are you guilty of the same thoughts or attitudes?" In what ways am I lounging in my security, feeling impervious to calamity? In what ways do I say, "I am, and there is none besides me"? The answer is: every time I forget that God exists, and live like it's just me. Isabel's teacher requested school supplies for kids at a poor school. I meant to pick some up and never did. This is an example of me living like it's just me. But an opportunity like that involves God, too.

God then says, "You have trusted in your wickedness and have said, 'No one sees me.' Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, 'I am, and there is none besides me.'"

He is silent and invisible. I can't see or even sense Him, but that doesn't mean He isn't there, or that He doesn't see me. Oh, how I struggle with this. Bill Maher pops into my head, snarling, "He's silent and invisible because HE ISN'T THERE." On the other hand, my bible sits here, open before me, and it does wield power. Millions of souls have read it, sought counsel from it. But I need more than just that knowledge to believe, because millions of souls are also led astray by a million other religions and philosophies.

In order to believe, I need to personally experience God. To read what He's saying and watch how it applies to me and unfolds in my life. What is He saying today?

"Your wisdom and knowledge mislead you when you say to yourself, 'I am, and there is none besides me.'"

This is good news. I want Him to exist. I long for Him to be right here with me, to watch over me.

Lord, I'm sorry I didn't buy the school supplies. It wasn't a priority for me. And then I wonder why my life feels banal. I want to know that You're with me, and I can't do that unless I act on my belief.


I pray for Sara, who is about to turn 35. I pray that You would keep her from despair. I pray that You would make me a better sister to her.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Rebel

The Lord speaks to Israel, who are still struggling in their faith. They are easily distracted. They take matters into their own hands. They take their eyes off of God. Like me. Here's what God says, what I suppose He is saying to me: "Remember this, fix it in your mind, take it to heart, you rebels. Remember the former things, those of long ago. I am God, and there is no other."

Tomorrow Lee and I visit with Bobby Cremins. We have different ideas about what the meeting will be about. Lee doesn't want him too involved. I want him very involved.

Lord, it's the same old struggle. I want to manage our money more responsibly, but I have a tendency to lose sight of my relationship when I take up that cause. From Your perspective, my support of Lee is equally important. I want a tighter, more controlled budget, but I don't want to undermine Lee. 


Lord, You urge me to look to You for help. I present my challenge to You. It's easy to support Lee, if I can let go of the accountability issues. (i.e. Who is he accountable to, if not me?) We're paying Bobby to sort things out. I pray that Your hand will be in this. I will try to leave it to You.


I pray for Sara. I pray for my professional path.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Goal setting

Today's Isaiah passage included the verse, "Truly you are a God who hides himself." (45:15) The Bible notes clarify, "In contrast to idols, the true God is invisible."

Part of my faith is sitting at this computer, and opening another new blog page, and writing to God who hides himself. For me, a person for whom time is precious and every minute needs accounting, this is a window of opportunity that I'm ceding to God. This, for me, is faith.

As I write this, our sweet dog Hunter sits by the window, considering himself a guard dog despite his teddy bear looks. He loves us, as Lily would say, too much. He wants to give us kisses and protect us from whatever may be lurking outside.

I prayed for a dog, that God would be involved in bringing the right dog to us. Dog adoption is a big risk--a lot of things can go wrong. This was just right. Is this an example that God, though invisible, is here listening? That He delights in granting us what we desire?

I want to acknowledge God, to know that He orchestrated this gift, and to enjoy His care for us. I want to suppress the skeptical voices, the ones telling me I'm being silly, it's just a dog. I want to live and walk with God, believing that He's listening even now, hanging on my every word.

I'm feeling stagnant, unsure of myself. We're reading Andy Stanley's The Path, and he urges me to decide what path I want to be on, then set goals along it.

Destinations I hope to reach:
To be the mother of kind, compassionate children who are open to learning about the Lord.
To be a mother who's given my children opportunities to discover their gifts, and to thrive in life.
To be the wife that Lee needs to blossom, whatever that may mean.
To be a woman whose priorities are in order. (Why did I list my children first, before Lee, in this list?)
To help Lee provide for our family financially, and to do it in a way that makes me proud and fulfills my need to glorify God.
To be a grateful, loving, helpful daughter to my parents.
To be physically healthy and strong as my children grow up.

Lord, these are so many destinations! Each one involves its own goal-setting. I'm tired just looking at the list. 


You reached down and helped me figure out what to do with Lily at school next year. You reached down and urged us toward the perfect dog for us. You guided us to a good church where we feel comfortable, and where I hope that we'll grow spiritually. 


What's next? Will you show me the way forward, with all these destinations, and so much to do?


I pray that You will show me, as the next several weeks unfold, what You would have me do with the children this summer. I have in mind that they'll each do some sort of sport. Gymnastics or dance for Lily. Maybe tennis for Isabel? Drama? I want them to have opportunities, to grow. Will you show me what You have for them?


I feel like the clock is ticking on my career. In August, both girls will be in school full day. What will I write then? I must reconcile the need to earn money with the desire to write something worthy. Lord, this is a vague request, but I ask it anyway. Please show me what You have for me to do. Can I rest in You that You already have it figured out? Can I simply believe You'll show me what You have for me, rather than floundering around, searching for it? Help me to listen to You.


I pray for Lee and his situation at work. Lord, fortify him please. He can do nothing apart from You. I am grateful that He's involved in a men's bible study. I acknowledge You in that small victory. Lord, please, please show him the way at work. I ask for selfish reasons, as You know. But I still ask. You know the state of my heart.


I pray for Sara, that she will come to know You, and that she will not give in to despair.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Said the clay to the potter.

Lord, Your words to me today (Isaiah 45:1-13) are about questioning Your ways. "Does the clay say to the potter, what are You making?"I'm feeling distant from You, and too busy to pray. Life moves along at a fast clip; I strive to get everything done. And Your message seems to be that You are working on me, working on the people around me, doing something that You've willed long ago. That I shouldn't question it, but accept it.


What am I accepting? What are You doing? You don't reveal everything to me--I don't know what You're doing--and so I get bored and wander away. I don't want to wander away. I want to look around me and see You.


Lee's friend/boss is leaving the company. How will this affect us? Will things stay the same at work? Get worse or better? This is a big unknown, and our lives depend on Lee's work. Lord, I pray for my husband, that You would strengthen him and give him confidence at work. I pray that You would use him to accomplish whatever it is that You have in mind. I pray that You would help him to see his own personal issues, and give him the strength to overcome them. I pray that You would show me how I should support him.


Your words today are about reassuring me that You are in charge. ("I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.") The prosperity we're enjoying now came from You. What happens as we move forward also depends on You. I need to be paying attention.


I prayed for a peace about my decision for Lily's schooling, and I got it. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the way this situation has worked out. I pray for Lily and Isabel, for Your protection over them, and for their spiritual development. Show me my role in this.


I am adrift, professionally. Not really, not yet--but I fear I will be when the time comes for me to strike out and do something. I pray for Your guidance. I pray for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


I pray for Sara, for everything You already know.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amem

Remembering You.

It's been increasingly difficult to pray, due to busyness. Meanwhile, life keeps happening. Problems arise, concerns. Issues that God is present for, but I don't acknowledge Him. I don't remember Him.

Lord, You say that You created everything, everyone. You form babies in the womb. You formed me in the womb; you have a vested interest, a stake in my life. Yesterday I didn't think of you once as I dealt with our adorable but sick dog. Or as I went kids consignment shopping with Mom. (Thank you for her!!!) Or as I looked after the children, and made dinner, and listened to Lee--so proud to have gotten a raise and a bonus!


Lord, I pray that You would show me how to express to Lee that I think He's doing a wonderful job as a provider for our family. If you had told me ten years ago that I would be able to stay at home and raise two beautiful girls while my capable husband paid the bills, I would have jumped for joy! Show me how to express this to Lee, my sweet man. I love him.


Lord, we adopted the most adorable dog, and so gentle and quiet. But he's sick and not getting better after five days (three on antibiotics). I prayed for the right dog, discussed it with You. Now I pray that You'll show me how to care for this dog, and how to juggle the responsibilities with Lee.


What can I learn from this dog situation? Show Lee that I'm his helper. I'll care for the dog. Please help me to do so.


I pray that Sara would have an experience with Jesus in Your perfect timing. I pray that You would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Short but sweet

You are the Lord, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by Yourself.

In Isaiah 45, you say of Cyrus, "You have not acknowledged me."

Lord, I long to acknowledge You in all that I do. But it doesn't come naturally to me. Will you please help me?

Dad and Mom are here. Thank you for them. I pray that I'll be in Your will this week.

I pray for Sara, that she'll have an experience with Jesus in Your perfect timing. I pray that You'll show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.

In Your son's name I pray.

Amen