Impending Christmas

Dad, Mom and Sara are here, have been for a week now. The time has flown by. Isabel and Lily are so happy, taking in all the Christmas stimuli. Mom took Isabel and Sara to the Nutcracker yesterday, and Mom described Isabel as "enchanted."

I am enchanted by my children. Words can't capture it. And grateful for Mom, who is a whirling dervish of efficiency and activity. She's organized everything, and cleaned the house, and planned and cooked meals, and nurtured my children, and took my outlet shopping, and will even hem the pants she bought me. She is a blessing.

Dad went around the house, fixing things. My desk, various overhead lights, my necklace. He handled AT&T when the cable went out. All this care is overwhelming. I'm not accustomed to it.

Lord, in the midst of all this blessing I dwell on the negative. Sara's brought a nasty cold into our house, and I worry that my girls will wake up with it on Christmas morning, ruining everything. Lee has been gracious with my family, but distant with me, and I continue to be frustrated by his attitude (all the while knowing that my own attitude fuels his bad one, and that I am not in a position to judge). 


1 Peter encourages me to love others deeply, and I'm not feeling it naturally. I pray that You will fill me with Your love. To accept my marriage as it is, while discerning ways to make it better. Show me how to make it better. I just want to pray that You will change Lee, and I know that's not how it works. So show me how it works. Please work in my marriage to make it better, however You see to do it. I lean on You. Resentment doesn't help, but love without accountability makes me feel like a pansy, a doormat. Show me the way, or better yet, Lord, just step in please! Supernatural help!


I pray that Sara will feel better and that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In your son's name I pray, Amen.

Ongoing prayers

Here's one of the Scripture verses I'll be memorizing next time for Next Generation Mentoring:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

The secret, of course, is being seeped in God's word, so that His guidance is fresh in your mind at all times. For me that means being reminded that He is the all-powerful Creator of everything, that nothing happens outside of His purview, and that this omnipotent Lord loves me beyond comprehension. I am not just me, waking up and making my way through the day. I am God's child; He is present with me at every moment and working behind the scenes, invisibly, to guide me in how to live the life He's carefully planned for me.

Lord, I have been praying for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am beginning to doubt that this is going to happen. We are closing in on January, and so far, nothing. Is this because I'm making You up? That's unlikely, because it would mean that millions of people, over hundreds of generations, have been fooled by some quacks who wrote a fiction we've come to call the Bible. With so many believers, for such a long time, Your existence is at least highly possible, or even probable. Either way, I continue typing, speaking to You as if You are listening. I am assuming--willing myself to believe--that You exist, and that You are listening. That what I just wrote above is true.


Maybe the issue is that You are there, but that I got it wrong back in September, when I felt led to began praying this prayer for Sara? It's not February 5 yet, so it's premature for me to be running through these options. For the time being, I can go on believing that my prayer will be answered.


Please, please direct me in my next step, professionally. I long to earn my keep in Your service. Show me what You have for me, please. Lee, my mom, my dad--soon they'll want to know how I'm going to start bringing in more money. I want to do it Your way, Lord. What is Your way? 


I am still debating when to send Lily to kindergarten. I am waiting on Your guidance. 


I don't know what conflicts/resentments might arise over the next week with family in town for Christmas. Nor do I know about any opportunities that may arise. I am asking now, before anything happens, that You quiet my spirit and give me the words and the actions I need to be a peacemaker.


Please, please watch over and protect my sweet, precious children. I am most grateful for them. 


In your son's name I pray, Amen.

Finances, Again.

Once again, I am at a loss in terms of finances. Lee and I went to see a great financial expert, Bobby Cremins, who we've hired to be our family's "CFO." He'll help with budgeting, paying down debt, saving, etc. But before we start, Lee wants a Mac Book and an Ipad. He asked Bobby Cremins if he could spend $1200. I thought for sure Bobby would tell him he should strongly consider whether or not he needs the computer, since we have a lot of bills to pay. But Bobby wrote back that if he needs the computer, he might as well go ahead and buy it now so he can take a tax deduction.

Mom and Dad said they would buy us an Ipad. Very generous! But Lee still wants the computer. He wants both the computer AND the Ipad. They are two different beasts, he said. They do two different things. Fine, but do we really need both? I feel like Lee wants these expensive things, and he convinces himself that he NEEDS them. And I hate that it's somehow my job to point this out. I don't want that to be my job. I was hoping Bobby Cremins would help in that area. But that was naive of me. Bobby can't get inside Lee's head and guide him about "wants versus needs." For that matter, he can't get inside my head either. Maybe it IS necessary to get both an Mac Book and an Ipad. What do I know?

Lord, I think I'm right. Of course I think I'm right. I'm the saver, the hoarder. I want protection, security. I can't see beyond my own view of this situation, which is that we should take care of our outstanding bills before we spend more. I cannot get around this. 


I want to be Lee's helper. You've commissioned me to be Lee's helper. How do I help? What is my next move here? What do I do if Lee digs in his heels? What if he resents me for being "manipulative," as he called it? How do I move forward? One side of me says, "Put your foot down." Another side says, "Be his helper." Of course the stronger voice is the "foot down" one! But is that the right voice?


Lord, I'm talking, talking, talking, and not listening. Please help me to quiet down and listen for Your wisdom.


I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011, and I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. In your son's name I pray. Amen

Truncated post

In my Isaiah reading I came to a famous passage this morning.

"You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"? (Isaiah 29:16)

Lily is lying on the floor behind me, writhing around and screaming, "I'm starving!" She wants me to make her pancakes, right as I'm beginning to meditate on this scripture. I will have to come back to this...

The mind of Christ

Here's a verse: "I have been given the mind of Christ." (1 Corinthians 2:16)

I am corresponding through email with a woman who is launching a Christian vintage/fashion magazine. It's high fashion, with hoped-for advertisers at the highest price points. Because it's a Christian magazine, it will not feature scantily clad models or profanity or articles about "alternative lifestyles." I want to be encouraging, but when she describes the idea, I think, "It's for Christians who are prudish about sex but not all that concerned about greed."

But who am I to judge? Lee thinks it's a wonderful idea. There are many, many extremely wealthy Christians out there. If they are able to give away 10% or more of their money and still have some left over to buy expensive shoes, what's wrong with that? I am uneasy about it, but that may be because I struggle with greed and a love of materialism myself. It affects me more than "sexual sin," so I'm more offended by it. It's also easy for me to poo-poo fashion, because I'm just not that interested in it.

But the last thing I want to do is discourage this woman, who says she has a real heart for this.

Lord, You say that "I have received the Spirit of God into my life that I might know the things freely given to me by God." And that "I have been given the mind of Christ." I have been praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. I want to glorify You in my work, but I am also so selfish and judgmental! I want to write about You, but I don't want to take a pay cut. I am no better than the "greedy Christians" I shake my head at. But I also have the mind of Christ. I recognize what's right, even if I don't exactly embody it. I depend on You to give me the strength to take risks. I don't know what that means yet, though.


I pray for my family's safe travel this week. I pray for a spirit of peace and calm over us these next two weeks, as we live together and interact with one another. I pray that You'll show me how to be a peacemaker and give me the patience to do it. I pray that You will keep me calm as I figure out how to get everything done.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. 


Please protect us from illness. Thank you for...everything.

Next Generation Mentoring: Session 4

In Classic Christianity, the book I'm reading for Next Generation Mentoring, the author urges Christians to "offer yourself to God without reserve." I am charged with "placing myself and my life in His hands to do with as He pleases."

What is God pleased to do with me? I've focused on two areas this month. One is my professional life. I long to write about something of lasting value. No doubt the Lord wants all of his children to grow in spiritual maturity. One way is through reading books, magazines, etc. that help focus the reader on God. This is my field; it's something I could do, even excel at. So I am waiting patiently on the Lord to see what He has in mind. Financial issues are still a roadblock at the moment--not to mention busyness. But I don't have to worry about that. I am placing myself and my life in His hands to do with as He pleases. That means I don't have to scurry around, trying to make something happen. God will make what He wants to happen happen.

Since I began praying that God would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies him by 2011, I've received two emails from Christians in the magazine business. One was my old friend, Ansley, who's now the religion editor at beliefnet.com. And the other came yesterday, from a friend of a friend who's now living in Atlanta and is in the early stages of launching a Christian women's magazine. She said she was praying about it, and my name came to mind.

I have no idea how God will answer my prayer to change the course of my writing and to focus it on things above. But I am expecting that whatever it is He has for me, I will recognize it. Right now all I have to do is acknowledge this prayer and wait, expectantly. He knows that I need a steady income, and that my family counts on me to supplement Lee's paycheck. And I know that He might not answer the prayer in a way that I expect. Open-minded, I sit tight.

The second area I've focused on this month is the idea of taking a child into our home. It's something that I've considered off and on for years. I recently read the book, Radical, by David Platt, and it got me thinking about the idea again. In the book, Platt suggests something very damning about modern-day Christians. One hundred and fifty years ago, many self-professed Christians were slave owners. Though they were committed to Christ, they had a blind spot in this area.

Platt suggests that today, we have a blind spot as well. He cites a statistic that if you earn $50K a year or more, you are wealthier than 99% of the world's inhabitants. One hundred and fifty years from now, Platt asks, will Christians look back at us and wonder how Christians could have allowed such a contrast in wealth? We live in comfortable homes, own two cars per family, and spend money on vacations and our children's enrichment. Meanwhile, God's "widows and orphans" are wasting away from poverty and disease, worldwide.

Naturally, Platt hopes that Christians will give more of their money away. But he also discusses other ways to live more "radically" for Christ, and among them he names...taking in a child. Since this is something I was already praying about, my ears pricked up. Over Thanksgiving weekend, I put a lot of thought into the idea, and even mentioned this far-fetched idea to my Uncle Jay. He said, "God will let you know."

So I am turning this over to Christ as well. I know that it would be have to be a supernatural appointment, because it's highly unlikely that this would fall into place. Lee told me that he was open to it, but that he didn't think we could handle an older, foster child who would naturally arrive with emotional problems. He's probably right. But those are really the children who need adopting. Long waiting lists are already full of couples waiting for healthy babies to adopt, both here and around the world. So I'm not sure how that would be serving Christ.

Serving Christ would mean taking in a child that others didn't want--one with special needs or expensive medical ailments. Does this entice me? Not in the least. And this is where Classic Christianity leaves me on the curb. George writes that we are meant to place ourselves and our lives in God's hands to do with as He pleases. What does he please for me to do? Surely it's more than volunteering in my daughter's kindergarten class and buying gifts to put on the school's "Giving Tree." I enjoy being a mother. I'm good at nurturing little ones. Is this an area where He wants more of me?

I don't know. But here's what I do know. God knows my selfishness. He knows my limits and my capacity to serve. Whatever He has in mind, He will move me into the situation He has for me, and He will move my heart to desire what He desires. I don't have to worry about this. I simply have to acknowledge that I've prayed about it, and then be open to what comes my way.

Lord, what's Your plan?

Lee has had a viscerally negative reaction to Steven Platt's book, Radical. Platt makes the point that 150 years ago, many Christians owned slaves. They were God-fearing in other ways, but this was a major blind spot. Platt fears that 150 years from now, Christians will look back at us and shake their heads at our own blind spot: the fact that we are aware that we're wealthier than 99% of the world, yet we allow the extreme imbalance to persist. Why aren't we cutting back on our pursuit for material possessions and working instead to help people living in abject poverty? Why aren't we caring for the orphans and widows, the sick and the needy? Sending our money, adopting abandoned children?

Lee is frustrated by Platt's guilt trip tactics. He points out that all economic classes--from the rich to the very poor--seek after material possessions. The idea of selling your house and giving most of your possessions to the poor is too simplistic, he says. Platt doesn't deal with the very real repercussions of not having a retirement fund, or of bringing a child with serious emotional problems into your home.


I agree with him, but the book convicted me in a milder way. I wouldn't sell my possessions and drain my retirement account--and God knows that. But I would consider taking a small step by bringing a child into my home. I don't think that adopting a toddler who needs parents is so radical. It satisfies my desire to serve God in a big way, to put my faith in Him with our finances. And it allows Lee to have that third child--which he wanted anyway. However, again this is up to God. Infertile couples wait for years to adopt. I'm not doing any big service to God by putting my name on an adoption list of healthy babies. On the other hand, God alone knows what I am capable of handling. Lee isn't ready to take on an older child, or one with special needs, and if I'm being completely honest, I'm not either.


Lord, the truth is that You alone know what You have for us to do. There may be a child already meant to join our family, and it may be that You have put this desire on my heart for that reason. Or it may be that I'm simply grieving the loss of my childrens' babyhood, and this is how I'm processing it. The decision is Yours, not mine. I'm making myself available, but I know that this has as much (or more) to do with Lee's walk with You as it does with mine.


Speaking of Lee, I pray for him. I pray that he will start sleeping better, that You'll fight off the depression that descends upon him. I pray that You will show me how I am meant to be his helper right now. It's my usual reaction to draw back when he gets depressed. 


Last night, he stayed up late buying songs for a Christmas music mix. He gave himself a $40 budget. I'd just been to the Scholastic Warehouse sale, where I painstaking kept my purchases--some Christmas gifts and enough birthday party gifts for several months--to a mere $75. Hearing Lee throw away $40 so easily on something we don't really need (although I'm sure to his mind we needed it) was hard for me. I kept it to myself--I've learned to do that to avoid a fight. Last week, he went and bought golf shoes. He said, "I won't buy them if they're more than $40." Later, I saw the receipt. They were $60, and he spent another $15 on top of that for some other purchase. Again, I didn't say anything. Lord, I pray that things will turn around once we see the financial advisor.


Lord, show me how You would have me react. Am I supposed to hold Lee accountable? Or am I supposed to support him even when I feel he's wasting money? (And who says that what I feel is even right?) Am I being lazy or cowardly by not calling him on it? Lord, my prayer is that the financial advisor will be the one to hold Lee accountable, and that I can go back to just loving and supporting him.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011.


Amen