Fading flower

The BSF passage today is Isaiah 40:6-8, a famous set of verses. 


⁶A voice says, "Cry!"
   And I said, "What shall I cry?"
 All flesh is grass,
   and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
⁷The grass withers, the flower fades
   when the breath of the LORD blows on it;
   surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers, the flower fades,
   but the word of our God will stand forever.


Among the BSF homework questions is this one: What truths do you learn from these verses about what brings lasting satisfaction in life?


What brings lasting satisfaction in life is to "dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, gazing upon His beauty and inquiring at His temple." In other words, reading scripture and meditating on it, and letting it lead my life. 


How can I carry out Your wishes for Lily's schooling? I don't know if there is a right answer or a wrong answer. But if I have her do kindergarten twice, You will see her through. It will be all right. She is Yours.


I am uncomfortable about our debt. Your word warns against debt. But Your word also counsels me to submit to my husband, who's put us in debt and isn't as concerned as I am about getting us out of it. Show me how to walk this delicate line. Show me how to love and honor him, how to support him in the way he needs. He leads our family. I have to hang back and trust that He will lead us in the right direction. You are already beginning to work in His life. Thank you for the men's retreat, and for the men's bible study and music ministry. Show me my part in this.


I pray for my upcoming cruise with Sara. All that time to talk. I want to be a comfort to her, to help her. How can I help her? One possible way to deal with her despair is to stop seeing marriage as a quest. She can and should keep dating, but she can make an effort not to talk about it, or even consider it too much. Concentrate on other goals while also dating. She needs to feel reassured that all is not lost, and that this deadline is a self-imposed one. 


I pray for Lee and the children while I am away. Comfort the girls without their mom around, especially Lily who is still so attached to me. I pray for protection over all of us, so that we'll be reunited again on the 12th. They are so, so, so precious to me. 


I pray for my involvement at church. How am I meant to fit in there? Show me what You have for me to do. 


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by this Saturday, February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by this September.


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Scattered

My mind is scattered this morning. I can't concentrate. I feel like there is no plan.

Of course, there is a plan. Jay and Ann are visiting today, staying over until tomorrow. I must clean the house. I must pick up some books at the library, and of course, get Lily to and from school. I need to do my assignment for Next Generation Mentoring, and plan a date night with Lee.

Lord, I've squandered my time with You this morning. Already I can hear Lily's footsteps on the stairs, and I haven't made time to pray. She just said, "I want you to make pancakes."


My time spent with You is precious. I pray that I will think of You today. I pray for protection over my children. The phone is ringing....


I pray for Sara and for my professional life.


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Dog Gone It

The BSF passage today is about a highway:
"Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it." (Isaiah 40: 4-5)

This reminds me of my favorite line in the Justin Roberts song, "No Spring Chicken." The song is a conversation between God and Abraham, and God urges Abraham to have faith in Him. He says:

"Just beyond your line of sight this broken road is paved, and paved with light."

Writing the words here doesn't do them justice. They come at the end of a beautiful, lyrical, lovely song about trusting God, and the first few times I heard them, I cried. I want to believe this!

The section title of the Isaiah passage above was "Consolation." Is it just coincidence that this was the message for me today?

Here's why I ask: This week I spotted a dog on the Atlanta Pet Rescue site that seemed to be the perfect dog for our family. Adorable, non-shedding, the right size, already housebroken, and only six months old. I filled out the adoption paperwork, waited until the day he was available for adoption, and made a plan to head over to the facility as soon as I finished volunteering at Isabel's school that morning. For two days and nights prior I had butterflies in my stomach. Was this our dog, which we will have as part of our family for the next 15 years? I was both terrified and gleeful. It certainly seemed like it was our dog.

Yesterday, the day he was available, I was about to leave to go to the facility, which had opened just 30 minutes earlier. I called to say I was coming, and the shelter worker told me that someone was there at that moment, and was in the process of adopting him. "You have to arrive early on the morning a dog is available for adoption," she said. "Three people applied to adopt him, and one of them got here first."

I was crestfallen. That sounds silly--it was only a shelter dog. But the reason it hit me so hard was mostly because my anxious nature won't allow me to go through the process of doing something new without physical stress symptoms. I hadn't slept in two nights, and my heart had been racing for three days. I was exhausted. And now I was exhausted for what turned out to be no reason. I was drained and heartbroken.

For years I've beaten myself up over these anxiety symptoms, which come on me for such silly reasons and don't go away until the issue is resolved. But I've come to accept them as part of my chemical makeup. I can tell myself, "Jen, this is silly." But my chest remains tight. Prayer during these symptoms doesn't alleviate them, and doesn't feel fruitful at all. But I know that God hears me.

Just beyond my line of sight this broken road is paved, and paved with light. The Lord has a plan for my family--even for something as inconsequential as our family dog! I don't want to be someone who gets wrapped up in small issues like this when there is so much real pain around me. But I also want to remember that just beyond my line of sight, there's a family dog for us in God's good timing. And a small joy like that one is part of the lovely world God created for us to enjoy.

Lord, I pray that You would find us a family dog in Your good timing, and that You would help me to remember that many of Your blessings are just beyond my line of sight. I love that biblical scene when You gave Elijah a glimpse of what was really going on around him in a time of great danger. For a moment, he saw 40,000 angels around him. I need to keep my focus on You, because I can't see what's really going on. 


What should I be doing professionally? Please show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Please, please reach out to Sara by February 5. I pray for our time together on the cruise, that You would guard my tongue and show me how I can lift her up. She is so sensitive and sad! Show me how to support her, to show her how much I love her. What does she need, Lord? Show me.


I pray for Lee, who comforted me yesterday about the dog. I pray for him as he struggles with Mom and Dad's decision to move here. Please work in this situation. I don't have the faintest idea how, but You know what's best. Show me the way I am to behave in this situation.


I pray for my sweet children, for Your protection over them. I pray for wisdom--show me how to train them up. Please be specific! Please show me that You are there!


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Stress

Today, Lee needs prayer. Yesterday he told me how overwhelmed he felt by the huge task of bringing the worship band up to speed. They are not musicians, and there are egos ripe for bruising. Plus, Lee doesn't like them. He feels he jumped into a time-consuming ministry that he hasn't enjoyed and doesn't expect to any time soon. Like me, Lee gets short of breath when he is anxious. How alike we are!

Lord, it is Your worship band, and Lee is Your child. You use all things for good for those who love You and are called to Your purpose. It's frustrating when we're trying to discern Your purpose. Is Lee meant to do this? Is he just reacting to being thrust into a situation that makes him uncomfortable?


I pray that You would move in this situation in some palpable way. So many things could happen--new musicians? I don't know, and my mind isn't nearly equipped to imagine what You can do. I only pray that You (a) give Lee a sense of peace that he is in the right place and (b) maneuver the situation to glorify Yourself. The worship band is, after all, an instrument to glorify You! This prayer must be within Your will--that You will be glorified through Lee's effort. 


I pray for our family dog. I'm up to my ears in dog research--goldendoodles and labradoodles, oodles and oodles and oodles. I am enchanted by mini labradoodles but put off by the exorbitant price. Yesterday, I saw an adorable "poodle mix" on a rescue site. Is this the family dog that You have for us? If so, would you please ease the way for us to adopt him? And warn me if it's a big mistake?


My shortness of breath continues. I think of the verse we just memorized: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) So this body of mine is prone to the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have to live in this body, and deal with these symptoms, but I don't have to worry about them. My malfunctioning body is just part of the broken world I live in. I can do my best to alleviate my symptoms, and I can focus on You. 


I pray for Aunt Terri, who is going through a hard time at work, and who is considering where to retire. Lord, if she decides to move to Roswell, please equip me to be kind and caring and helpful. 


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In Your son's name, I pray.
Amen

Money, again.

Kind Hezekiah, the "good" king of Israel in Isaiah 38, asked to be freed from Assyria's oppression, and then asked to be healed from a terminal illness. God granted both requests. Two things I notice about this:

1. God is working directly with Hezekiah for things to happen right then. It's not about having faith that one day he'd join Him in heaven. It was about having faith that God was working right then and there.

2. When Hezekiah prays, he asks only that God's glory be vindicated. He is indirectly praying for himself (to be rescued from Assyria and from death), but his greater concern is for God to be glorified.

If MY greater concern was for God to be glorified, what would that look like?


I would pray for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. But the idea is Your glory, not mine. You've given me certain gifts, and You have a purpose for me. I don't have to worry about making a name for myself. I just need to be conscious of the fact that I have certain gifts, that I CAN use them to glorify You, and that You'll make that happen if You want it to. 


Why do I want to write about You? Of course it's to succeed on the level I aspire to succeed--for my own enrichment. But it also may be because You've put it on my heart to write a book about You, and You intend to use it to enlighten others about You. It could be both of those things. It doesn't matter. I can relax and let You drive this car.


Lord, I come before You humbly to pray for my marriage. Lee asked me yesterday if I'd like to spend Memorial Day weekend at the Focus camp in Martha's Vineyard. He didn't bring up cost, of course, though I know that for two of us to fly from Atlanta to Boston, that would cost about $700. 


To me, being $16,000 in debt means that you don't take any trips, or make any big purchases, until you've caught up. Already I think we're going to face expenses that will hinder our ability to pay this down. Car repairs, home repairs, medical/dental costs. 


This is the same argument we have over and over and over. I want to tell him, "No, let's pay our debt first." But the broken record nature of this argument is getting really exhausting. He'll accuse me of not making "couple time" a priority (which is true, because to Lee, couple time always involves spending $, and to me, being conservative with our finances trumps romance). 


Lord, You have made me his helper. He is hyper-sensitive to criticism. The only help he wants is for me to lovingly support his every idea. You've linked us together because I have a gentle spirit, and he needs a gentle wife. This seems clear. But I am also more frugal than he is, and I do believe he needs guidance in this area. Bobby C is wonderful, and I am so grateful for him. But Lee is already beginning to discount Bobby, saying that it's not up to him what we spend our money on. 


I pray that You would show me Your will for how to spend our money. I don't want to spend it on plane tickets right now, obviously. But Lee needs a gentle wife, not someone who forbids him from doing what he wants. So, I pray that You would show Lee that this isn't smart--and do it apart from me. You took care of Hezekiah's problem without Hezekiah lifting a finger. All he did was pray to you, asking only that You be glorified. 


I feel 100% right about this: Pay down your debt before you do anything else. But of course I have to concede that my feelings are not reliable, and I am not always 100% right. This makes me anxious! My main goal is to be Lee's helper. Lord, would you please do the hard work for me? I can't be loving and gentle if I feel that Lee is not being held accountable. I want to trust You. If I am loving and conciliatory, will You protect us both from Lee's whims? Am I right to see things in this light? Lord, I'm going to wait on an answer from You.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray for protection over my children.


In Your son's name I pray.


Amen

Retreat

Lee is at an overnight men's retreat. Is this answered prayer? He has never been to a men's retreat while we've been married. I may have suggested it in the past, but I don't remember. I only remember the status quo--which is that I know he'd never go on one, so I don't even bother asking. But here we are. He's on a retreat.


His old friend Tim is the new pastor of Eastminster Pres, and Tim has asked Lee to join the (really poor) worship band and help turn it around. The worship band guys are going on the retreat--I imagine that's how Lee got himself roped into it, despite his reluctance.


This is one of those things that I could have never made happen. Only outside circumstances could have brought Lee to the point where he agreed to do something so uncomfortable for him. 


Today's passage is Isaiah 37:1-20. The King of Assyria has threatened to march on Israel if Hezekiah doesn't surrender. Hezekiah isn't able to stand up to this attack; he needs outside circumstances to thwart Assyria. He sends messengers to his "God translator," Isaiah.


God speaks to him through Isaiah: "Do not be afraid of what you have heard. Listen! When he hears a certain report, I will make him want to return to his own country, and there I will have him cut down with the sword.’”


Hezekiah's role in this was to ask the Lord for help. Then God orchestrated the circumstances to protect Hezekiah through no outward move of his own. The Assyrian king got distracted, basically--then went home and got murdered. That's what it looked like. Invisibly, though, God's hand was in it.


Was God's hand in Lee's decision to go on this men's retreat? I have no idea. Lord, I'm straining, contorting myself to see You in my life situations. Are you showing Yourself to me? Did I read that passage about Hezekiah and Your invisible help for a reason? 


There are other examples of what could be answered prayer. I prayed about our finances, for You to open Lee up to the idea of a budget advisor. Then he met with Bobby C and totally loved the guy. 


I prayed that we would find a church we could both love, and the result was beyond what I hoped for. A friendly church close by which Lee feels comfortable in--and where we are friends with the pastor and his family.


What am I still praying for? For Sara's salvation, for some sort of spiritual book deal. For Lily's kindergarten choices. For whether You want us to bring a child into our home. What else should I be praying for?


I pray for the role You have for me to play at our new church. That You would show me clearly how I am meant to use my gifts to help. I pray for guidance on teaching and training up the children to know and love You. I pray for peace among my family as Mom and Dad work out the arrangements of buying a house in Roswell. 


I pray that you would bless my marriage, and that You would speak to Lee this weekend. I pray that You would open my heart to whatever Lee comes back with. I pray for our children, that they will walk with You, that You will protect them from all the awful stuff. Or be with them in the midst of the awful stuff, as a very real presence they can almost feel.


I pray for Isabel and Lily to develop an obedient spirit, to me and Lee, and to You.


In Your son's name I pray.


Amen

Signs

Today I read another Old Testament account of God agreeing to give a man a sign that He'd heard his prayer and would answer. In 2 Kings 20, King Hezekiah asked for a sign that God would heal him as promised. Hezekiah said, "Have my shadow go back 10 steps...And the Lord made the shadow go back."

Lord, I have asked You to show me You exist. I've asked for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and for You to show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Lately I've been doubting You. But now again, today, I read a passage that signals your willingness to show me Your existence. I hold on in faith. Lord, if You make the miraculous happen with Sara, then how could I ever doubt You again? I want to "put feet to my faith" as Linda Dillow says. 


I continue to pray that You will show me what to do about Lily's schooling. I ask further that you would give me a deep peace about it. 


I want to pray about the return of my anxiety symptoms--shortness of breath, tightness in my chest. I am grateful that I know what this is, but I'm not pleased to be dealing with it again! I'm not sure what tack to take. Would Dr. Ali let me up my dosage of Zoloft without insisting that I do the impossible, and see a cost-prohibitive psychiatrist? It's not impossible, of course, but it would add to medical expenses that are already weighing heavily because of my dental bills. I want relief, but I don't feel right about spending money on a psychiatrist. Show me what You would have me do. Could this just be "breakthrough anxiety"? Might it go away on its own? I know that I'm in Your hands, and You're in control. I can live with it for the time being, but please show me if I need to seek help.


I pray for Lee, who is so anxious about this upcoming men's retreat. Is it answered prayer that he's going on the retreat and joining a bible study and joining the worship team? I know that I prayed for You to teach him Your ways. Thank You, Lord. Please ease his mind about the retreat, about all of it. I pray that he'll have fun, meet friends.


I pray for Isabel and Lily, that you would make them open to learning about You and to obeying me. I pray for my own sense of structure with them. Show me my next steps in guiding them.


I pray for Your protection over them, and I pray for their social skills, that they won't suffer as I did in school. 


What is next for me, Lord? I am chomping at the bit, professionally. But I will wait on You.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

God's wants, my wants

According to the BSF notes, "The blessings of the Messianic Age will affect the eyes, ears and tongues of all. Spiritual perception will once again be restored...the ability to hear and obey God's word faithfully."

That's opposed to the state I described yesterday--which is the feeling that I need a secret decoder ring to figure out what God's will is. But here is what I know He wants:

He wants me to share my money, not store it up.
He wants me to be a helper to my husband, to look for ways to make him happy and to carry them out.
He wants me to teach my children about Him, and to teach them to have a spirit of obedience--that they might obey Him better.
He wants me to care for my family members, and to pray for them.

Here's what I want:
The power to follow these commands.
The desire to follow these commands.
Fulfillment from my roles as wife and mother.
Fulfillment as a writer.
Financial and health security.

Lord, I am fading. My attention span is drifting. Focus me on You. 


I pray for Mom and Dad as they go through the process with buying the house, and I pray for my relationship with Lee as this move unfolds. I lean on You. Was I wrong to encourage them to move here? This is complicated--I love them. My motives were good. I am also committed to Lee. I am beginning to panic. What have I done? 


You are the Blessed Controller. Whether I messed up or not doesn't matter now--we all move forward, and I pray for Your hand in this situation. One day at a time. I am so grateful and thankful to have my family nearby again. You opened the way for that to happen. I can't see the situation from Your viewpoint, but I can put one foot in front of the other with my eyes on You, moving forward.


I pray for the right words when I talk to Dad about boundaries, and I pray that You'll open his heart to hear what I'm saying. I pray that You will give Dad his own life here in Roswell, a new chapter with new friends and experiences. 


I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. You know I've stopped believing that this will happen. But I'm not going to indulge my doubts. Instead, I'm going to say, You exist. I'm not typing into the ether. And since You exist, then only good things can come out of my prayer for Sara. You heard and continue to hear my prayer, and this is a prayer that You yourself love to hear. It's your good pleasure to grant my wish for her.


I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In your son's name I pray.
Amen

Money

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and thieves break in and steal...Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."


I've heard these verses so many times that they're rendered meaningless. So I stop and remind myself:


Jesus Christ is speaking them. He is plainly saying Do not store up wealth. Trust me that I will take care of you.


Lord, I look around me, and here's what I see: Rich people taking care of themselves, and (somewhere off in the distance) lots of poor people struggling. How are You in this? Why should I trust You that You will take care of my finances? The answer seems to be that I won't know unless I take risks financially and see what happens. Also, being generous with my money is the right thing to do.


How do You want us to move forward financially? I long to pay down our debt. Lee is less concerned. 


I am Lee's helper. I make suggestions, express my opinions, point him in the direction of our budget advisor. But then...is it OK for me to step back? Lord, I hate that I need a secret decoder ring to figure out what Your will is. The Bible says, "The borrower is servant to the lender." (Proverbs 22:7) This means that You discourage debt. I want to get out from under our debt, and You would seemingly agree. But You also say that wives were created to be helpers. I was created to be Lee's helper. 


Here's what I pray: That You will show Lee what needs to be done. I will concentrate on my role as helper, and I will leave this with You. This seems right. I've prayed, You've heard me. Now I can focus on loving and supporting Lee.


I would like to drop out of BSF and join the neighborhood bible study group. But the group meets from 9 am to 10 am, and I have to drop Lily at school at 9:30. This won't work.


Lord, please show me what You would have me do. 


I pray for Sara, that she would have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In your son's name I pray, 
Amen

How do you make God laugh? Make a plan.

Chapter 12 of Calm My Anxious Heart is about trusting God even when things aren't going as planned. 

"The righteous shall live by faith." You don't put your trust in Him in order to advance your own plans. You trust Him in order to advance His plans, whatever they may be. This isn't really what I've been doing. I have my agenda, and I pray that He will make it happen.

Frankly, you can't blame me for that. I have no idea what God's plans are. I can only work with my own ideas. So I go ahead with my plans. The trick is to find contentment and peace in God, even when my plans don't appear to be coming to fruition. 

He hears my prayers. He knows what I want. (Sara, writing work, marriage, etc.) Now all I have to do is chill out and...

Trust and obey. That's being Lee's helper, raising my children with love and good teaching, using my professional skills in a way that advances God's principles, if not Him himself.

A few thoughts on yet another snow day

There are a few things I'm anxious about these days.

--Whether or not to enroll Lily in kindergarten
--Whether or not I should be coaxing Isabel to get more involved in extracurricular activities
--Which activities I should encourage for both Isabel and Lily
--What should I plan for them in the summer, given my limited budget?

These are miniscule problems which nonetheless cloud my brow when I think about them. In Chapter 10 of Linda Dillow's Calm My Anxious Heart, she talks about handing God your worst "what if's."

1. Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen.
2. Prepare to accept it if you have to.
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst.

If I wait a year before enrolling Lily in kindergarten, what is the worst that can happen?

She might feel left behind when all her friends advance without her. She might be physically bigger than all the other kids in her grade. She might be teased for being the oldest kid in the class. I would feel weird about having a five-year-old who wasn't in kindergarten yet. She would hate the "young 5's" program.

Can I accept these worst-possibles?

If yes, then I can calmly proceed to entrust the worst possibles with God.

Today is the third straight snow day, and the kids are home with me again. It's lovely not having to wake up before the sun, but I'm not able to get these prayer posts done, let along anything else.

Lord, please show me Your priorities today.


Amen

Truncated Post

Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow is a beautiful book, my favorite so far in Next Generation Mentoring. The chapter I just read, Chapter 9, is focused on faith. On page 150, she writes, "Noah didn't just accept the fact of God's word intellectually. He put 'feet to his faith.'"

The fact of God's word: "In all things God works for the good of those who love him...to be conformed to the likeness of his Son."

In other words, where I am right now is where God wants me.

Today is the second snow day in a row for us, and the children are running wild. I'm not going to be able to finish this post. Hopefully, I'll be able to pray later.

Lord, show me yourself today please. Guide me, make me patient, show me what's important.


Amen

Today's prayers

"Live life, then, with a due sense of responsibility, not as [women] who do not know the meaning [and purpose] of life but as those who do. Make the best use of your time, despite all the evils of these days. Don't be vague but grasp firmly what you know to be the will of the Lord."  (Ephesians 5:15-17)

This verse appeals to me because I long to be proactive, to take charge despite all the things (home and work responsibilities, my own nature) that hold me back. I don't want to be "vague"!

How do I avoid being vague? "Grasp firmly what you know to be the will of the Lord."

I long to write about the Lord, but my motives are questionable, to say the least. Lord, I want to lift You up, to show You to others, to thank YOU, to show my gratitude. BUT I also want to make money. I also want to be an author, to be able to say, "I'm an author."I want You to lead me to do this, even while I am clearly out for myself, too. Tim's sermon yesterday was about John the Baptist, who called attention to himself only in service to You. He wasn't into making money off of You, or becoming famous himself. I am laying myself bare before You, showing You how selfish I am. You already know, of course. I'm saying it because I'm being honest with myself before You.


Lord, if it's Your will to use me...is it Your will to use me? I hand my skills over to You. Place an idea in my head, lead me forward. I'm waiting, and doubting, and waiting. I'm holding on. 


In the meantime...

I pray for today. That I may be patient and loving with the children on this snow day, home with me. And loving of Lee, also home. I need to finish my Introvert/Extrovert story for Parents. I need to do my post. 


Show me what You need me to do today. What does unselfishness look like today? Keep the children from getting in Lee's way while he works? Fix him/them lunch? Handle whatever comes up with poise and grace.


Lord, soon (September) we'll get a dog. Bring the right dog to us please! Like everything else, it's not easy. I'd like a non-shedding, quiet, low-odor dog that's not astronomically expensive. Miniature Goldendoodle/Labradoodle fits the bill except for the last part! I pray for the right dog for our family. I pray that You will show me Your control over this situation, like every other situation.


Your control over my decision to send Lily to kindergarten or to keep her in a Young 5's program. Please show me Your will in this situation. I don't want to make the decision. I want You to make it--she is Yours, after all!


Your control over Isabel's interests/activities. I'm forcing her to do the school play, considering forcing her to do swim team, too. Lord, show me how to move forward here. What is YOUR will for Isabel?


Your control over my marriage. Working on it, mending it is so important, and yet I don't feel like dealing with it. Lord, I want to rest in You on this. Resting in You makes everything easier. Show me Your will here and then guide me in carrying it out.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In Your son's name I pray, 
Amen.

Weak

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." --Phillippians 4:13

This week I've been thinking about my weaknesses. Anxious thoughts, lack of control of my thoughts. Time wasted at the computer. I feel like I'm not efficient with my time. I am split between my daily professional responsibility (my unfulfilling writing work) and caring for my children. Because of this, I feel like I do neither as well as my high standards demand.

I remember that God uses the weak. He chooses them, prefers them. The weak say, "I know I can't do anything without You." They ask God for help, listen for His guidance. And then at His bidding, they do AMAZING things.

Lord, please show me what You have for me to do today, this week, this month. I'm just going to try to focus on You. When I'm anxious, I will put one foot in front of the other and just move ahead. I will look for You today.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray that You will show me a way to put time aside for teaching the children about You.


In Your son's name I pray, 
Amen

What's really going on.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."   -- John 14:27

The small picture is that I'm anxious. The tightness in my chest has returned, and my inability to take deep breaths comes upon me randomly. I feel unmoored professionally, Writing for little money about TV. Trying to be grateful for that writing--which enables me to be a stay-at-home mother. I feel sad when I think about Sara, her loneliness and desperation. I feel frustrated by Lee's mood swings, his personality shifts. I am absent-minded.

The big picture is that God is with me, and that I am standing in the right place in the continuum of my life. I am right where I'm supposed to be. God is forming me through my experiences. He has something coming up for me. I must believe in the unseen, based on what I've read and on the experiences I've had before. I've been praying for certain things, and now I'm waiting. I am certain as I wait that those prayers will be answered in some way. This is exciting!

More than just that. God has an overall purpose, a bigger agenda that I am a part of. I just stick to my faith in Him, in His ideals, and He will do the rest. There is a spiritual battle being fought for my attention. He longs for me to see Him, to listen quietly for guidance and comfort. I can choose to give my attention to God. I can catch my anxious thoughts and turn them back to Him. I can ask, "What is God doing in this situation?"

Lord, what are you doing with me right now? I pray for that professional opportunity You have for me. I am expecting it! In the meantime, I'll just hold tight and keep my eyes and ears open.


Sara and I are leaving for our cruise in one month. I am hesitant to expect Your answer to my prayer about her. Not that I don't believe You are here, reading this, listening to me. You are here. But I know that You answer prayers in Your own way. Secular people might say I am a sad, naive little thing, praying to the air. But there is integrity in believing despite the lack of evidence. Generations of people have believed. Scripture has never been disproven. I want You to answer my specific prayers so that I can be sure You're there. But even if you don't, I will go on talking to You. You are here, reading this, listening to me.


Show me the way with Lee. I am selfish and not a saint! Soften me, please. Point out how I can love him today. Point out how I can love anyone today! 


I want to be more purposeful in teaching Isabel and Lily about prayer, etc. Please show me how to do that. Maybe during dinners? 


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In Your son's name I pray, 
Amen

Happy New Year

I'm reviewing some of my Scripture passages for Next Generation Mentoring.

"Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere." Ephesians 6:18

This I have not done for the last two to three weeks. I've had good reason--Christmas activities, a house full of family. But I have not have the peace and comfort of the Lord as I go through my days. Lee was often short with me, just plain mean for no reason. It's nothing new, but I've felt wounded by it, and resentful. Seeing my life not through the lens of Scripture is very disconcerting.

For a little over a week now, I've been feeling increasingly short of breath. I can't take a deep breath--only shallow, unsatisfying ones. When I am not thinking about it, it goes away (which is always quite the trick!), so I imagine it has to do with anxiety.

One of the bible verses for the next meeting is:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

For me the third line would go, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed by Lee's love and affection or hungry for it, whether living in plenty of his emotional support or in want of it."

I've been feeling resentful about Lee's behavior. His short temper with me embarrasses me in front of my family. His default setting is defensiveness and hypersensitivity, so I've learned that there's no use in pointing out his meanness. I do, anyway--in anger. But not, to my mind, as often as he deserves it.

Letting things go feels like implicit acceptance. If I don't say something to stop his behavior, isn't it like saying it's OK? The more he gets away with it, the more he'll do it, right?

At breakfast one morning with my family, I said that I didn't like what I ordered. My dad urged me to send it back. Lee said, "Jen." When I looked over, he was shaking his head in disapproval. To his mind, I shouldn't have said anything, just quietly ate the meal anyway. And he felt the need to let me know this in a stern way, right in front of my family.

Rage rose up in me. This harshness from him was just the latest in a string of meanness over the last few days--of uncomfortable moments when I held my tongue. But here I felt I needed to hold him accountable, to let him (not to mention my family) know that I wouldn't accept his meanness.

"What?" I demanded. He didn't look at me, so I raised my voice. "Lee, what?" I demanded again. Still he didn't answer. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?" I asked.

"You're making everyone else feel bad," he said. Before I could reply, somebody else, Mom or Dad, said something about what I'd ordered, and the conversation went off in a different direction. Lucky, I suppose, because I'm not sure what angry comment I might have made next.

So...back to the verse. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed by Lee's love and affection or hungry for it, whether living in plenty of his emotional support or in want of it."

I want to not just know, but feel, the secret--the way of being content in that breakfast situation, despite the lack of love from Lee. A loving, doting husband would have rushed in to care for me in that moment, not shook his head. That is NOT what I have. But I want a loving, doting husband! Why can't I have what I want?! I'm like a child, resentful about not having a perfect life. Don't I deserve this?

If I'm being honest, then I must ask: Am I the loving, doting wife that Lee deserves? Definitely not, not all the time. I try to be, and naturally I think I try harder than he does. But would Lee say that? No. We are both broken. The answer is to accept this situation.

Now, how to let go of my pride when he does this in front of my parents? And what of the accountability issue? How will he learn if I let these things go?

The answer is to just soften. If my family sees me deflect his comments, not get upset by them, then they will be more at ease about it. If I shake off his meanness, don't let it bother me, then he can't hurt me. Even if he goes on thinking it's OK to act this way, that won't be harmful to me. I'll have learned to accept this broken spouse and, meanwhile, to look to God for  comfort, peace, and fulfillment.

Yes, it still bothers me that I feel he ought to be held accountable, to know that this isn't the right behavior. But I can pray that the Lord will show him that. Am I being too passive?

I could see this as an opportunity to practice being meek and humble. The world prizes women who stand up to men, who don't take their verbal abuse. But the Lord loves a gentle spirit, in any and every circumstance.

Lord, I am so broken and such a novice at this. I want You to change me, to make me meek and humble and unconcerned about Lee's behavior. Maybe at some point down the line, when I'm spiritually filled and more mature, I can try to correct him. But right now I'm too broken myself to help him. And if I'm being honest, I don't really want to help him. I want to help myself by changing him.


I pray that You would help me in this. Heal my marriage. 


I am also feeling unmoored about my professional life. I've been praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You, and I'm starting to doubt about this prayer. Have You heard me? I start thinking that I should be doing something more to make this happen. But I don't even know where to start, and I don't want to do anything without Your leading. So I wait. Please show me if I'm meant to be doing something.


I pray for Sara, that she'll have an experience with Jesus by February 5. As You know, I've begun to doubt this one, too. During her Christmas visit, I saw no sign of You. I just saw the same, sad young woman who so longs for companionship, and who's quickly losing hope of having a family of her own. Lord, I cry out to You, please get involved in Sara's life. 


I pray for protection over my children, my precious girls.


In Your Son's name I pray, Amen