The theme of today's BSF lesson, again, is that God will do the work for you--make it easy to serve and delight in Him--if only you believe in Him. Through Isaiah, he tells the people that He will direct His wrath to their enemy Assyria's destruction. Isaiah 10:25-26: "The Lord Almighty will lash them with a whip, as when he struck down Midian at the rock of Oreb; and he will raise his staff over the waters, as he did in Egypt." (He fought Gideon's battle for him at Midian, and he parted the Red Sea for Moses.)
This is what I want, of course. For God to make it easy. After the Next Generation Mentoring retreat, I told a friend that I wished Lee was in a Christian program like this one. That way, we could both be learning about God, and both be applying what we learned to our marriage. Instead of it just being me. She agreed that she'd like that for her marriage, too. "But that's not the world I live in," she said, a little bitterly.
God is saying: Trust in Him, and He'll make it easy. How does that apply here? What I see, what I'm dealing with, is so limited. I want to change my life, be a better wife, but I feel limited by finances, limited by my own selfishness, and limited by Lee, who's not working on his end of things, as far as I know.
God says trust in Him, and He'll fight the battle. Jesus Christ, who is even now sitting on His throne, intervenes in our lives through the Holy Spirit (Acts 2:30-36). My part in this is: Trust Him.
Lord, I even need You to help me with trusting You. I need You to remind me of this concept, and then help me to believe it. I want to hand my marriage, my finances over to You. I pray that You will bless Lee. I also hand over Sara, who I pray will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Discipline
My BSF homework brought me to Galatians 6:1-4.
I stayed up an extra 45 minutes last night and watched the World Series with Lee. It was nice. We are friends, he and I, well suited for one another. His spirit was gentle; he didn't contradict everything I said. I felt a natural ease with him. This is how it used to be between us.
I am uncertain of my role as a wife. I am to support him, love and care for him, yes. But I am the only person he shows his true face to. He is so surly with me. When I call him on it, I am deluged with all his vague inklings of ways I've failed to support him. I've deeply disappointed him in my failure to support him, but I truly feel that this is an unfair assessment. He is the one acting surly. For goodness' sake, at least I'm cordial.
Is it up to me to "restore him gently" when he takes his eyes off of God? Who else will do it? I like the Galatians passage, because after that advice, it immediately jumps to "test your own actions." This is my natural thinking. I am so keenly aware of my own sinfulness (and I know he is, too) that I don't feel I've earned the right to hold Lee accountable for his.
I think the key here is "carry each other's burdens." That is the phrase I need to concentrate on. Lord, show me how to help Lee to carry his burdens. Show me ways to do it, and make me want to do it. Through Your power, I can stop being selfish, and start loving him better.
I want to change my whole life. The way I'm living now: I spend hours at my computer, working to earn money to pay for things like cable TV. While I am working, the children watch the TV. I wish I could use this time to teach them, play with them, and expand their horizons. But I am working so that we can have TV so that they can watch TV while I work. Crazy. Sad and crazy.
If I didn't work, then we wouldn't be able to pay for the TV. I would spend time with the kids instead. Is it that simple? No. If I wasn't working, I would have to spend a lot of time figuring out how to buy groceries and clothes, etc. with our limited resources. I would miss writing, probably. And Lee would be very resistant to anything of this sort.
Lord, I am rushed today. I pour all these concerns out before You. And yet I don't have time to sit quietly and meditate on what You have to say about it. (The most important part of prayer!!!) I pray that You will communicate with me anyway, somehow, this day and this weekend.
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Lee and I were talking last night about the fact that there are lots of Christians in Southern California. She is surrounded by Christians.
I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011. You can change my life. I am waiting expectantly for You to do it.
Amen
"If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else."
I stayed up an extra 45 minutes last night and watched the World Series with Lee. It was nice. We are friends, he and I, well suited for one another. His spirit was gentle; he didn't contradict everything I said. I felt a natural ease with him. This is how it used to be between us.
I am uncertain of my role as a wife. I am to support him, love and care for him, yes. But I am the only person he shows his true face to. He is so surly with me. When I call him on it, I am deluged with all his vague inklings of ways I've failed to support him. I've deeply disappointed him in my failure to support him, but I truly feel that this is an unfair assessment. He is the one acting surly. For goodness' sake, at least I'm cordial.
Is it up to me to "restore him gently" when he takes his eyes off of God? Who else will do it? I like the Galatians passage, because after that advice, it immediately jumps to "test your own actions." This is my natural thinking. I am so keenly aware of my own sinfulness (and I know he is, too) that I don't feel I've earned the right to hold Lee accountable for his.
I think the key here is "carry each other's burdens." That is the phrase I need to concentrate on. Lord, show me how to help Lee to carry his burdens. Show me ways to do it, and make me want to do it. Through Your power, I can stop being selfish, and start loving him better.
I want to change my whole life. The way I'm living now: I spend hours at my computer, working to earn money to pay for things like cable TV. While I am working, the children watch the TV. I wish I could use this time to teach them, play with them, and expand their horizons. But I am working so that we can have TV so that they can watch TV while I work. Crazy. Sad and crazy.
If I didn't work, then we wouldn't be able to pay for the TV. I would spend time with the kids instead. Is it that simple? No. If I wasn't working, I would have to spend a lot of time figuring out how to buy groceries and clothes, etc. with our limited resources. I would miss writing, probably. And Lee would be very resistant to anything of this sort.
Lord, I am rushed today. I pour all these concerns out before You. And yet I don't have time to sit quietly and meditate on what You have to say about it. (The most important part of prayer!!!) I pray that You will communicate with me anyway, somehow, this day and this weekend.
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Lee and I were talking last night about the fact that there are lots of Christians in Southern California. She is surrounded by Christians.
I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011. You can change my life. I am waiting expectantly for You to do it.
Amen
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Power and control
Today's BSF passage is Isaiah 10:5-15. The king of Assyria lays siege to several nations, including Israel. "By the strength of my hand I have done this," he says. "And by my wisdom, because I have understanding, I removed the boundaries of nations...Like a mighty one, I subdued their kings."
We get to see what is really happening. Ironically, the truth is that the king of Assyria is nothing more than a tool in God's hands. The Lord is using him to discipline His people. The king thinks of himself as "a mighty one," when in actuality he's God's whipping boy. He can't see that, of course, because God is silent and invisible. He also can't see his future: "When the Lord has finished all his work against Mount Zion and Jerusalem, he will say 'I will punish the king of Assyria for the willful pride of his heart and the haughty look in his eyes.'"
This reminds me of Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Lord, this is what I'm learning. I have been neglecting Lee, and Lee has been neglecting me. This has been an easy pattern for us to fall into. We were both single for so long. I'm more than happy to let him neglect me, because it allows me to focus on myself, which is when I'm most comfortable.
We had a very hard talk about finances. He got his back up. He doesn't want me to go with him to see a financial consultant, because he thinks the financial consultant will take my side. He doesn't specify what issue he means, but we both know it has to do with saving for the future and restricting current spending.
He keeps spending. UPS and Fedex trucks stop outside the house and deliver a new mouse for the computer, or some software, or whatever. (His side: He wants so much more than what he actually allows himself.) Meanwhile, I try to limit my spending to groceries and things for the kids. I get their clothes through consignment. I give the bare minimum to the PTA. Meanwhile, I want, I want, I want. I want to hire a house cleaning service occasionally. But I mostly want to feel secure. I want an emergency fund and a college savings plan and retirement money. I want to scale back on my iVillage writing. (Lee said no.) I want to write something that glorifies God, to stop writing about stupid TV. Of course, I also want to glorify selfish me. I want, I want, I want.
I know that Lee is right: The financial guy would probably side with me. Our last financial guy sided with me on issues of saving and spending. Lee won't go to see this new one if I am there. He doesn't want to be ganged up on. So I agreed to let him go alone. I agreed to give him the power. I said, "I will let you be in charge of creating the budget--I won't even come to meet the finances guy--as long as I know you will run your ideas by someone who does this for a living."
Am I being stupid? Am I being lazy? Am I being too trusting? Or am I being a good wife to Lee by allowing him to do this, allowing him to be the head of the household? This is what I'm wrestling with.
The idea that the Lord put before me this morning was to "lean not on my own understanding." He is silent and invisible, but He is in this with me. What does that mean? Am I "leaning not on my own understanding" by allowing Lee to take over the budget? Or am I using this as an excuse to withdraw?
Lord, I'm putting these questions to You. You alone are sovereign, perfectly wise and compassionate. I'm just a grab bag of sin, and so is Lee. What next? I will take this one step at a time. Pass the financial guy's contact info to Lee, gently encourage him to call and set something up. See what happens. Will you show me how to trust in You in this?
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
Amen
We get to see what is really happening. Ironically, the truth is that the king of Assyria is nothing more than a tool in God's hands. The Lord is using him to discipline His people. The king thinks of himself as "a mighty one," when in actuality he's God's whipping boy. He can't see that, of course, because God is silent and invisible. He also can't see his future: "When the Lord has finished all his work against Mount Zion and Jerusalem, he will say 'I will punish the king of Assyria for the willful pride of his heart and the haughty look in his eyes.'"
This reminds me of Proverbs 3:5. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Lord, this is what I'm learning. I have been neglecting Lee, and Lee has been neglecting me. This has been an easy pattern for us to fall into. We were both single for so long. I'm more than happy to let him neglect me, because it allows me to focus on myself, which is when I'm most comfortable.
We had a very hard talk about finances. He got his back up. He doesn't want me to go with him to see a financial consultant, because he thinks the financial consultant will take my side. He doesn't specify what issue he means, but we both know it has to do with saving for the future and restricting current spending.
He keeps spending. UPS and Fedex trucks stop outside the house and deliver a new mouse for the computer, or some software, or whatever. (His side: He wants so much more than what he actually allows himself.) Meanwhile, I try to limit my spending to groceries and things for the kids. I get their clothes through consignment. I give the bare minimum to the PTA. Meanwhile, I want, I want, I want. I want to hire a house cleaning service occasionally. But I mostly want to feel secure. I want an emergency fund and a college savings plan and retirement money. I want to scale back on my iVillage writing. (Lee said no.) I want to write something that glorifies God, to stop writing about stupid TV. Of course, I also want to glorify selfish me. I want, I want, I want.
I know that Lee is right: The financial guy would probably side with me. Our last financial guy sided with me on issues of saving and spending. Lee won't go to see this new one if I am there. He doesn't want to be ganged up on. So I agreed to let him go alone. I agreed to give him the power. I said, "I will let you be in charge of creating the budget--I won't even come to meet the finances guy--as long as I know you will run your ideas by someone who does this for a living."
Am I being stupid? Am I being lazy? Am I being too trusting? Or am I being a good wife to Lee by allowing him to do this, allowing him to be the head of the household? This is what I'm wrestling with.
The idea that the Lord put before me this morning was to "lean not on my own understanding." He is silent and invisible, but He is in this with me. What does that mean? Am I "leaning not on my own understanding" by allowing Lee to take over the budget? Or am I using this as an excuse to withdraw?
Lord, I'm putting these questions to You. You alone are sovereign, perfectly wise and compassionate. I'm just a grab bag of sin, and so is Lee. What next? I will take this one step at a time. Pass the financial guy's contact info to Lee, gently encourage him to call and set something up. See what happens. Will you show me how to trust in You in this?
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
Amen
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Giddy Up Gideon
This morning I got more confirmation that it's Your good pleasure to give me a sign that You are here. In Judges 6, the Lord summoned Gideon to fight for Israel. Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me." Then, in a supernatural display before Gideon's eyes, the Lord accepted Gideon's offering of bread, meat and broth on the rock. Then he sent Gideon out to serve Him, and the Lord made Gideon's service easy.
From my BSF notes:
"Gideon, with only a handful of warriors, was strengthened by the Lord to bring deliverance to Israel [in battle]. But Gideon and his warriors stood still and watched as God brought the deliverance to Israel."
"To move forward in faith, one must look back and see God's past faithfulness and might to His ancient covenant people. Gideon's experience exhibited a wonderful display of the divine power of God on behalf of His people with very little human skill or intervention."
Lord, I am standing still and watching as You enter into Sara's life, because I asked You to, and You've said over and over that You keep your promises. She's sinking in disappointment, overwhelmed by her circumstances. But I pray that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am expecting this to happen.
Lord, I want, I want, I want. Selfish as ever. But the things I want are more in line with Your will, I think. So that's a start. You love me and meet me where I am.
Lily is here with me, not letting me fully engage in my time with God, testing her boundaries.
Lord, I don't want to do this iVillage blogging job anymore. I'd like to sit down with Lee and write a budget that we can stick to. A budget that allows me to forgo this extra $1000 a month that I get for writing meaningless posts about TV. But we are already struggling financially. Seven years into marriage, we fail in this area over and over again.
I want to be more purposeful about work and money. In the meantime, I can try to be purposeful in the posts that I write. I can write them with a gentle spirit. I can let You guide me as I write them. But what I really want is to write something more meaningful.
Lord, I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
My day today: Lily fed, dressed, off to school. Post to write. I MUST do my American Baby revise today. I MUST buy tights for their costumes today. I want to get to the clothing sorting that I keep putting off. Dinner--shopping for it and making it. Buy food. Arrange play dates. Look into GA public preschools. What else?
Lord, please bless my day and show me people who need care. Amen
From my BSF notes:
"Gideon, with only a handful of warriors, was strengthened by the Lord to bring deliverance to Israel [in battle]. But Gideon and his warriors stood still and watched as God brought the deliverance to Israel."
"To move forward in faith, one must look back and see God's past faithfulness and might to His ancient covenant people. Gideon's experience exhibited a wonderful display of the divine power of God on behalf of His people with very little human skill or intervention."
Lord, I am standing still and watching as You enter into Sara's life, because I asked You to, and You've said over and over that You keep your promises. She's sinking in disappointment, overwhelmed by her circumstances. But I pray that she will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I am expecting this to happen.
Lord, I want, I want, I want. Selfish as ever. But the things I want are more in line with Your will, I think. So that's a start. You love me and meet me where I am.
Lily is here with me, not letting me fully engage in my time with God, testing her boundaries.
Lord, I don't want to do this iVillage blogging job anymore. I'd like to sit down with Lee and write a budget that we can stick to. A budget that allows me to forgo this extra $1000 a month that I get for writing meaningless posts about TV. But we are already struggling financially. Seven years into marriage, we fail in this area over and over again.
I want to be more purposeful about work and money. In the meantime, I can try to be purposeful in the posts that I write. I can write them with a gentle spirit. I can let You guide me as I write them. But what I really want is to write something more meaningful.
Lord, I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
My day today: Lily fed, dressed, off to school. Post to write. I MUST do my American Baby revise today. I MUST buy tights for their costumes today. I want to get to the clothing sorting that I keep putting off. Dinner--shopping for it and making it. Buy food. Arrange play dates. Look into GA public preschools. What else?
Lord, please bless my day and show me people who need care. Amen
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
God's promises to me
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. [James 4:8]
It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. [Luke 12:32]
Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. [John 16:24]
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. [Hebrews 10:23]
I talked to Sara last night. She's angry at Dad for his overbearing concern about Mike. (She's taken this no-good ex-boyfriend in, because he says he has nowhere else to go.) Lord, I don't know what to counsel her. I want her to be rid of him. But then I want so many things for her. My inclination was to be quiet, and not to tell her that I agree with Dad. Lord, how can I counsel her? She said that she's going on the "flat belly diet" and doing yoga to prepare for our cruise--so that she'll be thin by February 5. "February 5! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited!" I cried. But of course I'm excited for that date because of my prayer. Lord, I'm excited about February 5 because without wavering I am holding fast to the confession of my hope: that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by that date. For You are faithful. You didn't promise this to me specifically, but you did say: "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
You also said it is Your good pleasure to give me the kingdom. Whatever my motives may be, I press on in praying that you will give me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
Lord, I want to quit my iVillage blogging job. But then we won't have a steady stream of income from me, and I don't think I could get Lee to find places to cut back in our expenses. We still haven't paid off our move; it's still on the Amex, month after month, accumulating interest. But I feel like this daily writing exercise has become worthless. I may be wrong. I'm often wrong! I just think I'm not making enough money from it to justify the time it steals from my day. Lord, what do You say about this?
Lord, please show me what Lee needs today. The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. Don't let me fall back into old patterns, though I really want to fall back into old patterns. Change my desires--make them in line with Yours, please, please, please!
I have BSF today, another post to write, still haven't gotten to the American Baby article revise. Still have to buy tights for their costumes. Figure out dinner and buy food. Three loads of laundry. Mom's birthday gift. Organize the clothes--Isabel's, Lily's, mine. Still haven't talked to Melanie. Please bless my day. Use me in Your work today. Amen.
It is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. [Luke 12:32]
Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full. [John 16:24]
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. [Hebrews 10:23]
I talked to Sara last night. She's angry at Dad for his overbearing concern about Mike. (She's taken this no-good ex-boyfriend in, because he says he has nowhere else to go.) Lord, I don't know what to counsel her. I want her to be rid of him. But then I want so many things for her. My inclination was to be quiet, and not to tell her that I agree with Dad. Lord, how can I counsel her? She said that she's going on the "flat belly diet" and doing yoga to prepare for our cruise--so that she'll be thin by February 5. "February 5! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited!" I cried. But of course I'm excited for that date because of my prayer. Lord, I'm excited about February 5 because without wavering I am holding fast to the confession of my hope: that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by that date. For You are faithful. You didn't promise this to me specifically, but you did say: "Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full."
You also said it is Your good pleasure to give me the kingdom. Whatever my motives may be, I press on in praying that you will give me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.
Lord, I want to quit my iVillage blogging job. But then we won't have a steady stream of income from me, and I don't think I could get Lee to find places to cut back in our expenses. We still haven't paid off our move; it's still on the Amex, month after month, accumulating interest. But I feel like this daily writing exercise has become worthless. I may be wrong. I'm often wrong! I just think I'm not making enough money from it to justify the time it steals from my day. Lord, what do You say about this?
Lord, please show me what Lee needs today. The more time I spend with him, the more time I want to spend with him. Don't let me fall back into old patterns, though I really want to fall back into old patterns. Change my desires--make them in line with Yours, please, please, please!
I have BSF today, another post to write, still haven't gotten to the American Baby article revise. Still have to buy tights for their costumes. Figure out dinner and buy food. Three loads of laundry. Mom's birthday gift. Organize the clothes--Isabel's, Lily's, mine. Still haven't talked to Melanie. Please bless my day. Use me in Your work today. Amen.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Lord, I'm feeling rushed today. I keep thinking about everything I need to do. I don't think I'll be able to meditate on Your word unless I get this list out.
Get Lily off to school, figure out dinner, buy food, buy tights for their costumes, find something to write about for today's post, then write today's post, revise American Baby magazine story, fill out W-9 form for Parents magazine, call Mom for her birthday, make time for Dad when he calls me, talk to Melanie about her concerns, deposit checks, write thank you notes, clean off my desk, buy book for my Kindle, sort through the kids' clothes, send off the ones I'm swapping, organize my own clothes, pick up Lily and spend time with her, find an Accelerated Reading book for Isabel and read it with her, Isabel's homework...
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him...Through God's promises you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. (1 Peter 1:3-4)
Lord, I want to participate in Your divine nature and escape that anxious, rushed feeling. I want to move calmly through this day, one thing at a time, and be flexible to stop and care for others who You might put in my path. Put others in my path today, Lord. Show me how to care for them.
I ask for this, but I don't really want it. I want to get through my to-do list. But I've seen how You work. You make serving You easy by giving me the desire to do it. You give me "everything I need for life and godliness," and that includes wanting to be loving.
I want to be more thoughtful towards Lee. With all those to-do list items above, it looks like another day of NOT being thoughtful--purposeful--about loving him. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. But I know that You can give me the desire to love him better. You will show me ways to do it. I'm asking for it, and I will expect this from You. I can escape my own sinful self and focus on being Yours, because You will make me want to do it.
I just want to be filled up with Your spirit, and not even acknowledge my own. I want my own spirit to take a hike.
I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with You by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011. I expect these things to happen, because I believe that You are real, and You hear me right now. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible in so many ways. But I know You love me. You are real and here with me. You have great, enormous, immense power to change me. You have to do it for me, Lord. I'm just going to keep reading Your word and typing. I beg You to be with me. Amen
Get Lily off to school, figure out dinner, buy food, buy tights for their costumes, find something to write about for today's post, then write today's post, revise American Baby magazine story, fill out W-9 form for Parents magazine, call Mom for her birthday, make time for Dad when he calls me, talk to Melanie about her concerns, deposit checks, write thank you notes, clean off my desk, buy book for my Kindle, sort through the kids' clothes, send off the ones I'm swapping, organize my own clothes, pick up Lily and spend time with her, find an Accelerated Reading book for Isabel and read it with her, Isabel's homework...
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him...Through God's promises you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world caused by evil desires. (1 Peter 1:3-4)
Lord, I want to participate in Your divine nature and escape that anxious, rushed feeling. I want to move calmly through this day, one thing at a time, and be flexible to stop and care for others who You might put in my path. Put others in my path today, Lord. Show me how to care for them.
I ask for this, but I don't really want it. I want to get through my to-do list. But I've seen how You work. You make serving You easy by giving me the desire to do it. You give me "everything I need for life and godliness," and that includes wanting to be loving.
I want to be more thoughtful towards Lee. With all those to-do list items above, it looks like another day of NOT being thoughtful--purposeful--about loving him. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. But I know that You can give me the desire to love him better. You will show me ways to do it. I'm asking for it, and I will expect this from You. I can escape my own sinful self and focus on being Yours, because You will make me want to do it.
I just want to be filled up with Your spirit, and not even acknowledge my own. I want my own spirit to take a hike.
I pray for Sara, that she will have an experience with You by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011. I expect these things to happen, because I believe that You are real, and You hear me right now. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible in so many ways. But I know You love me. You are real and here with me. You have great, enormous, immense power to change me. You have to do it for me, Lord. I'm just going to keep reading Your word and typing. I beg You to be with me. Amen
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Light
My BSF homework led me to John:1-9. Verse 9 says, "The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world."
My retreat for Next Generation Mentoring is this weekend. We'll be sharing our testimonies. In my testimony, I wrote about being "enlightened." Life is not different, and I'm not different, since becoming a Christian. But I can now see a greater truth, a simple fact concerning what it's all about, and that does give me immense comfort. I didn't have that comfort before. Just shedding light on that truth has made a big difference in my life.
I don't have time to sit quietly before the Lord today. I have to take Isabel to school. Lord, please be with me anyway! (I know You will.) Talk to me through my day. Show me what You would have me see and know and do today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for my family.
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen
My retreat for Next Generation Mentoring is this weekend. We'll be sharing our testimonies. In my testimony, I wrote about being "enlightened." Life is not different, and I'm not different, since becoming a Christian. But I can now see a greater truth, a simple fact concerning what it's all about, and that does give me immense comfort. I didn't have that comfort before. Just shedding light on that truth has made a big difference in my life.
I don't have time to sit quietly before the Lord today. I have to take Isabel to school. Lord, please be with me anyway! (I know You will.) Talk to me through my day. Show me what You would have me see and know and do today. Thank you, thank you, thank you for my family.
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Amen
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Happy Birthday to me.
I am 40 today. Yesterday I mentioned that I was turning 40 to two women--one at BSF and the other was Michele Bauer. Both had already turned 40 (Michele just turned 42), and that actually comforted me. We are all getting older. I am grateful to still be here!
Lord, I want to be here for my children as they grow up. This is in Your hands, not mine, but I still ask You for that blessing. In my first 40 years, I have learned about You. In the rest of my time, I want to walk with You, enjoy Your presence and share in Your glory. As David said, "One thing I ask of the Lord--the thing that I seek after--is to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to inquire in His temple."
Two people came to my mind during my bible study today. First Sara, then Lily. The passage was Isaiah 8:19-22. "When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God?...If they do not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn."
In her sadness and desperation, Sara consults psychics from time to time. I don't blame her. But...
Lord, I pray that Sara will have some kind of experience with Jesus Christ by February 5. I pray that she'll find peace that only You can provide. I pray that You will bless her. I pray that You will guide her towards love.
One of the BSF homework questions was "Where have you sought guidance today?" I'm trying to figure out whether to hold Lily back, because of her July birthday. I've sought guidance from her teachers and from several mothers. I haven't come away feeling like anyone's given me a definitive answer. Only God knows what's best for Lily. Lord, please show me what You have in mind for Lily. She is Your child; I am only her caretaker. I want to hold her back, but I am also wavering about it. She does make the cut-off. I can go around and around in circles here. Will you make this clear for me?
I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.
I pray for today, for our family's time together at the restaurant, celebrating my birthday. I am going to celebrate the fact that I am still here, and that You are faithful. Please bless us today and always. Amen
Lord, I want to be here for my children as they grow up. This is in Your hands, not mine, but I still ask You for that blessing. In my first 40 years, I have learned about You. In the rest of my time, I want to walk with You, enjoy Your presence and share in Your glory. As David said, "One thing I ask of the Lord--the thing that I seek after--is to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to inquire in His temple."
Two people came to my mind during my bible study today. First Sara, then Lily. The passage was Isaiah 8:19-22. "When men tell you to consult mediums and spiritists who whisper and mutter, should not a people inquire of their God?...If they do not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn."
In her sadness and desperation, Sara consults psychics from time to time. I don't blame her. But...
Lord, I pray that Sara will have some kind of experience with Jesus Christ by February 5. I pray that she'll find peace that only You can provide. I pray that You will bless her. I pray that You will guide her towards love.
One of the BSF homework questions was "Where have you sought guidance today?" I'm trying to figure out whether to hold Lily back, because of her July birthday. I've sought guidance from her teachers and from several mothers. I haven't come away feeling like anyone's given me a definitive answer. Only God knows what's best for Lily. Lord, please show me what You have in mind for Lily. She is Your child; I am only her caretaker. I want to hold her back, but I am also wavering about it. She does make the cut-off. I can go around and around in circles here. Will you make this clear for me?
I pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.
I pray for today, for our family's time together at the restaurant, celebrating my birthday. I am going to celebrate the fact that I am still here, and that You are faithful. Please bless us today and always. Amen
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Isabel and Lily
Today during my quiet time I'm thinking about Isabel and Lily, and the fact that I'd like to start having a little time of devotion with them each day. I went online to see if I could find a Christian workbook that we could work our way through, but I got lost in a quagmire of options. It's a sure way to lose precious time--and this is my most precious time of the day. That's frustrating. But I did find a workbook that might be good for Isabel at some point. Not Lily yet.
It's called "Praying in Color: Kids Edition." You are encouraged to draw your prayers, like "draw the things you are grateful for," etc. Isabel would like that. But first I still need to find a devotional workbook with fun, short, easy Bible lessons. I was hoping we could do a lesson while Hannah is here for a play date on Thursday. Lord, if that's what You have in mind for Thursday's play date, please show me the way.
My day is before me. BSF, a celeb phone interview, parent-teacher conference with Mrs. Crandall, playdate at Michele Bauer's house (Lily/Audrey), an iVillage post. It's my last day in my thirties. Tomorrow, I turn 40. Lord, I give all of this to You. Will You speak to me today?
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus before February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011.
Show me your sovereignty and your glory today, Lord. Amen
It's called "Praying in Color: Kids Edition." You are encouraged to draw your prayers, like "draw the things you are grateful for," etc. Isabel would like that. But first I still need to find a devotional workbook with fun, short, easy Bible lessons. I was hoping we could do a lesson while Hannah is here for a play date on Thursday. Lord, if that's what You have in mind for Thursday's play date, please show me the way.
My day is before me. BSF, a celeb phone interview, parent-teacher conference with Mrs. Crandall, playdate at Michele Bauer's house (Lily/Audrey), an iVillage post. It's my last day in my thirties. Tomorrow, I turn 40. Lord, I give all of this to You. Will You speak to me today?
I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus before February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies you by September 2011.
Show me your sovereignty and your glory today, Lord. Amen
Monday, October 18, 2010
The one thing I ask of the Lord
The one thing I ask of the Lord, the thing I seek after, is to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon His beauty, and to inquire in His temple. --Psalm 27:4
I've been faithful about my morning quiet times for three weeks now, and I've already seen a difference in my thinking. I'm more hopeful. I'm not "walking with the Lord," as they say. But I'm hungry for more.
I want Him to grant me my prayer request--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by Feb. 5--so that I can have something to hang my hat on, spiritually. So clearly, I'm not in a mature spiritual place yet! This morning I realized that I'd promised to pray for this every day, and then yesterday I didn't. Did I jinx it? Did I slip up, drop my end of the bargain, so now all bets are off?
This reminds me of the outdoor movie my family watched on Friday: "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Linus believes in the Great Pumpkin, who comes once a year to the most sincere pumpkin patch--the one with no hypocrisy--and gives toys to the children there. All you have to do is believe, but you have to believe sincerely. Your faith itself becomes your way of earning blessing. It must be sincere. At one point, Linus is talking (praying?) to the Great Pumpkin, and he says "if" you come to the pumpkin patch. Then he quickly corrects himself. "I mean 'when'!" Then Linus worries. "Oh no! One slip up like that could ruin the whole thing!"
The joke is that Linus is putting himself through all this existential angst, while all the other kids know that the Great Pumpkin doesn't exist.
How do I know that this isn't the case with the Lord, my God? That my God does exist? There is Scripture, 66 books that hold together despite being written across hundreds of years. There are generations of human beings, millions of people, who have believed. But more than that, there's the change within me, when I spend time reading and meditating and learning.
Christians love to say that God meets you where you are. There are lots of examples of it in the Bible. All of the people He's communicated with have been flawed. My prayer--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by February 5--is flawed. There's an element of magical thinking to it. I'm not that different from Linus. But I'm praying it anyway, and I'm not going to worry about my motives or my immaturity. God knows them. Linus was praying to a pumpkin. I'm praying to the Creator of the universe.
Lord, I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I also pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray expectantly. I pray also that You will lead me in the direction You want me to go in regarding Mt Bethel's foster kids program. I am trying to be open.
I pray for Lee. You know what He needs better than I do. From my perspective, I wish he had a mentor/men's group/spiritual friendship to help him. But You know better than I do, so I simply pray that You will infuse his life with Your love.
I pray for my precious children. Please protect them, nurture and comfort them. Amen
I've been faithful about my morning quiet times for three weeks now, and I've already seen a difference in my thinking. I'm more hopeful. I'm not "walking with the Lord," as they say. But I'm hungry for more.
I want Him to grant me my prayer request--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by Feb. 5--so that I can have something to hang my hat on, spiritually. So clearly, I'm not in a mature spiritual place yet! This morning I realized that I'd promised to pray for this every day, and then yesterday I didn't. Did I jinx it? Did I slip up, drop my end of the bargain, so now all bets are off?
This reminds me of the outdoor movie my family watched on Friday: "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." Linus believes in the Great Pumpkin, who comes once a year to the most sincere pumpkin patch--the one with no hypocrisy--and gives toys to the children there. All you have to do is believe, but you have to believe sincerely. Your faith itself becomes your way of earning blessing. It must be sincere. At one point, Linus is talking (praying?) to the Great Pumpkin, and he says "if" you come to the pumpkin patch. Then he quickly corrects himself. "I mean 'when'!" Then Linus worries. "Oh no! One slip up like that could ruin the whole thing!"
The joke is that Linus is putting himself through all this existential angst, while all the other kids know that the Great Pumpkin doesn't exist.
How do I know that this isn't the case with the Lord, my God? That my God does exist? There is Scripture, 66 books that hold together despite being written across hundreds of years. There are generations of human beings, millions of people, who have believed. But more than that, there's the change within me, when I spend time reading and meditating and learning.
Christians love to say that God meets you where you are. There are lots of examples of it in the Bible. All of the people He's communicated with have been flawed. My prayer--that Sara would have an experience with Jesus by February 5--is flawed. There's an element of magical thinking to it. I'm not that different from Linus. But I'm praying it anyway, and I'm not going to worry about my motives or my immaturity. God knows them. Linus was praying to a pumpkin. I'm praying to the Creator of the universe.
Lord, I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I also pray that you will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. I pray expectantly. I pray also that You will lead me in the direction You want me to go in regarding Mt Bethel's foster kids program. I am trying to be open.
I pray for Lee. You know what He needs better than I do. From my perspective, I wish he had a mentor/men's group/spiritual friendship to help him. But You know better than I do, so I simply pray that You will infuse his life with Your love.
I pray for my precious children. Please protect them, nurture and comfort them. Amen
Friday, October 15, 2010
Trust
One of the BSF homework questions today is: "In what area has your lack of trust in God devastated your life?" I think of times I've spent worrying, or out of sorts because I didn't see a way forward. Times I've lost sleep over problems that eventually receded. Before I met Lee, I had dark moments of real concern that I wouldn't meet a Christian man. I had put this issue in God's hands many, many times, but I still can't say I really, truly believed there was a supernatural force working to orchestrate my love life!
Is there anything I've put in God's hands, that I continue to fret over? Sara. Lord, I pray expectantly that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5.
Another concern is whether to send Lily on to kindergarten in September despite her July birthday, or whether to hold her back. I'd rather she be the oldest in the class, not the youngest--especially given how shy she is. But she does make the cut-off by six weeks. I give that decision to You, Lord. I pray that You will make the decision clear to me.
The more I ask for things, the more sinful I feel. I think, "I should be praising, I should be thanking!" Why do I go straight to asking? But this feeling is probably showing me that I need to ask for forgiveness first and foremost. Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. I order my days around myself. I do everything to make myself comfortable and to mitigate any discomfort. I even see prayer as a way to make myself more comfortable.
But I also have a deep inner yearning to be the person You created me to be. I don't want to turn from this computer and go off into the day, forgetting You. I want to be caught up in Your life and Your agenda, so that behaving like a decent human being is the easiest, most natural thing in the world.
Please show me that You're with me today, as I clean and shop and pick up Lily. As I volunteer at Isabel's school. As I take her to the eye doctor. As I welcome Jon and Dottie and Kate and Maggie into our home. Show me how to care for others today.
Also, I said I was going to pray for this every day, so here goes: I pray that I will get an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.
Amen
Is there anything I've put in God's hands, that I continue to fret over? Sara. Lord, I pray expectantly that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5.
Another concern is whether to send Lily on to kindergarten in September despite her July birthday, or whether to hold her back. I'd rather she be the oldest in the class, not the youngest--especially given how shy she is. But she does make the cut-off by six weeks. I give that decision to You, Lord. I pray that You will make the decision clear to me.
The more I ask for things, the more sinful I feel. I think, "I should be praising, I should be thanking!" Why do I go straight to asking? But this feeling is probably showing me that I need to ask for forgiveness first and foremost. Lord, please forgive me for my selfishness. I order my days around myself. I do everything to make myself comfortable and to mitigate any discomfort. I even see prayer as a way to make myself more comfortable.
But I also have a deep inner yearning to be the person You created me to be. I don't want to turn from this computer and go off into the day, forgetting You. I want to be caught up in Your life and Your agenda, so that behaving like a decent human being is the easiest, most natural thing in the world.
Please show me that You're with me today, as I clean and shop and pick up Lily. As I volunteer at Isabel's school. As I take her to the eye doctor. As I welcome Jon and Dottie and Kate and Maggie into our home. Show me how to care for others today.
Also, I said I was going to pray for this every day, so here goes: I pray that I will get an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September of 2011.
Amen
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A sign from God
Yesterday, I was reading an article in The New Yorker about Doug Coe, the founder of The Fellowship, a Christian organization that ministers to powerful Washington leaders. The group, which has the noblest of intentions (seeking harmony by modeling lives after Jesus) is made up of humans, and therefore, it's full of sinful behavior. But Doug Coe himself said something, and it caught my interest. Back when he was in college, at a time when he'd broken away from his very prayerful, Christian parents, Coe had a religious experience.
"He found himself promising to give his life to God's work--as long as he didn't have to evangelize or spend too much time in prayer. He set out to test the efficacy of prayer by composing a list of desirable outcomes, having nothing to do directly with himself, and determined to try to pray them into reality by a certain date. One of the items on his list, he says, was that his favorite professor at school, a political-science instructor, would have a personal experience with Jesus. As the deadline neared, the professor, Mark Hatfield, told Coe that he had 'met the Lord.'" Hatfield eventually went on to become a very spiritual, Christian man of power--a governor and a U.S. senator.
When I read this, I thought of Jesus's statement to the devil, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test." I also thought, "Maybe I should pray for Sara to 'meet the Lord' by a certain date." Then I forgot about it. But this morning, my BSF scripture reading brings this issue--the testing of prayer--back before me again.
In Isaiah 7:11-12, God told King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign." But Ahaz said, "I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test." The bible notes say that in spite of his smooth, pious response (he's quoting Deut. 6:16, just like Jesus eventually did), Ahaz all the while intended to put his trust in Assyria. Isaiah then foretold the kind of friend Assyria would prove to be--i.e. a bad one.
So, God told Ahaz to ask Him for a sign. Ahaz demurred, and things turned out bad. Does this story have any bearing on my life? I don't know whether I'm invited to put God to the test. It seems wrong, and it seems like I'm setting myself up to be disappointed. But what if I am invited to ask? What if it worked? Shouldn't I try it?
Lord, I pray that Sara would have a personal experience with Jesus by February 5. I will pray this every day between now and February 5. Doug Coe had other items on his list. What else should I ask for? I would like to write a book that glorifies You. I will pray that an opportunity will arise by September of 2011 to do something along those lines. I will pray for other things, but not put a deadline on them, because I'm starting to feel pushy and unsure of myself. Am I being selfish with that second request?
I'm going to not worry about it. You know my sinful heart. I'm just going to pray anyway, and see what happens. Amen
"He found himself promising to give his life to God's work--as long as he didn't have to evangelize or spend too much time in prayer. He set out to test the efficacy of prayer by composing a list of desirable outcomes, having nothing to do directly with himself, and determined to try to pray them into reality by a certain date. One of the items on his list, he says, was that his favorite professor at school, a political-science instructor, would have a personal experience with Jesus. As the deadline neared, the professor, Mark Hatfield, told Coe that he had 'met the Lord.'" Hatfield eventually went on to become a very spiritual, Christian man of power--a governor and a U.S. senator.
When I read this, I thought of Jesus's statement to the devil, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test." I also thought, "Maybe I should pray for Sara to 'meet the Lord' by a certain date." Then I forgot about it. But this morning, my BSF scripture reading brings this issue--the testing of prayer--back before me again.
In Isaiah 7:11-12, God told King Ahaz, "Ask the Lord your God for a sign." But Ahaz said, "I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test." The bible notes say that in spite of his smooth, pious response (he's quoting Deut. 6:16, just like Jesus eventually did), Ahaz all the while intended to put his trust in Assyria. Isaiah then foretold the kind of friend Assyria would prove to be--i.e. a bad one.
So, God told Ahaz to ask Him for a sign. Ahaz demurred, and things turned out bad. Does this story have any bearing on my life? I don't know whether I'm invited to put God to the test. It seems wrong, and it seems like I'm setting myself up to be disappointed. But what if I am invited to ask? What if it worked? Shouldn't I try it?
Lord, I pray that Sara would have a personal experience with Jesus by February 5. I will pray this every day between now and February 5. Doug Coe had other items on his list. What else should I ask for? I would like to write a book that glorifies You. I will pray that an opportunity will arise by September of 2011 to do something along those lines. I will pray for other things, but not put a deadline on them, because I'm starting to feel pushy and unsure of myself. Am I being selfish with that second request?
I'm going to not worry about it. You know my sinful heart. I'm just going to pray anyway, and see what happens. Amen
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My plan moving forward...
In Isaiah Chapter 7, Judah's King Ahaz is in a political and military crisis, about to come under attack. God gives Isaiah a message for Ahaz. Basically, it's this:
"Be careful. Keep calm. And don't be afraid. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith, and let God work out the details."
I am taking such baby steps to spiritual growth! Like Charles Swindoll said, it's three steps forward, two steps back. Some things I'm learning:
I need to separate my shortness of breath/chest tightening from the fear/anxiety itself. I need to stop beating myself up, thinking, "I can't/don't trust God." I can and do trust God. Yes, the physical manifestations of my anxiety hang in there, but that doesn't mean that I don't trust God. It's an ailment, a wiring problem.
What can I trust God with? My plan moving forward. Lord, the idea of mentoring/fostering a child is on my heart. But I have so many voices speaking against it. What about my own children? I don't want to take time away from them. They're still young: I want to mentor them. Money is always an issue. My writing--where should I go from here? Is writing about You in your plan for me? I want it to be, but what are my motives? Glorifying you? Certainly it's about glorifying me, earning money, creating and fulfilling some sense of purpose. I need to spend more time listening to You through Scripture and sitting quietly and thinking about what the words mean to me. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith. What does that look like for me right now? I am going to try to pay heed to You today. Lord, tell me more about this during the rest of the day, would You? Amen.
"Be careful. Keep calm. And don't be afraid. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith, and let God work out the details."
I am taking such baby steps to spiritual growth! Like Charles Swindoll said, it's three steps forward, two steps back. Some things I'm learning:
I need to separate my shortness of breath/chest tightening from the fear/anxiety itself. I need to stop beating myself up, thinking, "I can't/don't trust God." I can and do trust God. Yes, the physical manifestations of my anxiety hang in there, but that doesn't mean that I don't trust God. It's an ailment, a wiring problem.
What can I trust God with? My plan moving forward. Lord, the idea of mentoring/fostering a child is on my heart. But I have so many voices speaking against it. What about my own children? I don't want to take time away from them. They're still young: I want to mentor them. Money is always an issue. My writing--where should I go from here? Is writing about You in your plan for me? I want it to be, but what are my motives? Glorifying you? Certainly it's about glorifying me, earning money, creating and fulfilling some sense of purpose. I need to spend more time listening to You through Scripture and sitting quietly and thinking about what the words mean to me. The most important thing is to stand firm in your faith. What does that look like for me right now? I am going to try to pay heed to You today. Lord, tell me more about this during the rest of the day, would You? Amen.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Life in the realm of the supernatural
I particularly love the third prayer request in Nancy Leigh DeMoss' "prayer template" (A Place of Quiet Rest, page 243).
"Fill me with Your spirit. May I be emptied of myself. May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. Anoint my life and ministry with supernatural power."
Today, I'd rather be in any other realm than the real, hard, tactile one. I have a long-dreaded dentist appointment (lots of cavities to be filled, novacaine shots) that's wedged between my BSF class and Lily's school pickup/afternoon play date. This morning, I woke up with a sore throat, sniffles and sneezes--just what you want to contend with while sitting motionless in a dentist's chair for an hour and a half. (Can I take ibuprofen? Will it make my gums bleed more?) I have my daily work deadline, and tonight's event at Lily's school. No access to cash--last week, Lee and I maxed out our liquid money, and we have to wait until Friday before his next paycheck. (Oh, how my father would be angry/worried if he knew we were still treading so close to the precipice, finances-wise!) We have not one, but two house guests coming this weekend--Lee's sister and her family on Friday night and Lee's friend on Saturday night. The house needs to be cleaned, the sheets washed, the bathrooms, the kitchen counters, and all the rest.
May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. What does that look like, Lord? It means getting outside of my sniffly self and focusing on those I come in contact with today. Lily and Isabel, the women in my BSF group, the dental assistant and hygienist and dentist, Lily's little play date, Saree, the people I encounter at Lily's school. Imagine myself as an envoy of God's. It's not about getting through this day. It's about looking for the people You put in front of me to care for today. Who will You put in front of me? Fill me with your spirit and your strength. Show me how I can do all things through Christ, who loves me.
I am living in a supernatural realm, if I believe Scripture. Job had no idea that God himself and the devil himself were involved in his little life. He had all kinds of real, hard, tactile problems, but he was also living in the realm of the supernatural. Did Job know this? Did he kind of know, have just an inkling? Was this part of Scripture just a story, an allegory to teach us about faith? Even if it was, the point is to have faith in a living God, who has views and feelings and who exists in a supernatural realm.
Lord, show me what you have for me today, and please, I beg you, fill me with your spirit and power as I serve you. Amen.
"Fill me with Your spirit. May I be emptied of myself. May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. Anoint my life and ministry with supernatural power."
Today, I'd rather be in any other realm than the real, hard, tactile one. I have a long-dreaded dentist appointment (lots of cavities to be filled, novacaine shots) that's wedged between my BSF class and Lily's school pickup/afternoon play date. This morning, I woke up with a sore throat, sniffles and sneezes--just what you want to contend with while sitting motionless in a dentist's chair for an hour and a half. (Can I take ibuprofen? Will it make my gums bleed more?) I have my daily work deadline, and tonight's event at Lily's school. No access to cash--last week, Lee and I maxed out our liquid money, and we have to wait until Friday before his next paycheck. (Oh, how my father would be angry/worried if he knew we were still treading so close to the precipice, finances-wise!) We have not one, but two house guests coming this weekend--Lee's sister and her family on Friday night and Lee's friend on Saturday night. The house needs to be cleaned, the sheets washed, the bathrooms, the kitchen counters, and all the rest.
May my life be lived in the realm of the supernatural. What does that look like, Lord? It means getting outside of my sniffly self and focusing on those I come in contact with today. Lily and Isabel, the women in my BSF group, the dental assistant and hygienist and dentist, Lily's little play date, Saree, the people I encounter at Lily's school. Imagine myself as an envoy of God's. It's not about getting through this day. It's about looking for the people You put in front of me to care for today. Who will You put in front of me? Fill me with your spirit and your strength. Show me how I can do all things through Christ, who loves me.
I am living in a supernatural realm, if I believe Scripture. Job had no idea that God himself and the devil himself were involved in his little life. He had all kinds of real, hard, tactile problems, but he was also living in the realm of the supernatural. Did Job know this? Did he kind of know, have just an inkling? Was this part of Scripture just a story, an allegory to teach us about faith? Even if it was, the point is to have faith in a living God, who has views and feelings and who exists in a supernatural realm.
Lord, show me what you have for me today, and please, I beg you, fill me with your spirit and power as I serve you. Amen.
Monday, October 11, 2010
"The battle is not yours." -- God
Yesterday at church (Mt Bethel Methodist), the message was about 2 Chronicles 20. King Jehoshaphat was being besieged on all sides by foreign armies. He and all of Israel prayed to God. God's answer (spoken through a prophet) was "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's."
The pastor said that this is a promise that we can claim in our own daily lives. I have my skeptical thoughts: What does Jehoshaphat have to do with us? But this piece of history does reveal information about God--namely, his response to prayer, and what He wants for his people. In this story, God is interested in having people believe in him. He rewards those who do believe. He allies himself with them, and fights off the destructive forces around them. His goal is to enlighten all of us that He created us, and that we were created to follow his way of life. He wants people--all of us--to live our lives with an awareness of who we are and why we're here.
The pastor asked, "Is there someone in your life who's in a battle?" Sara.
Lord, I want to hold onto this promise: "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I am not able to fix her situation. But You are. I beg you to step in. You can comfort her, soften her heart, give her some peace, move people into her life. You can change things, change her. I beg you to step in. Amen.
The pastor said that this is a promise that we can claim in our own daily lives. I have my skeptical thoughts: What does Jehoshaphat have to do with us? But this piece of history does reveal information about God--namely, his response to prayer, and what He wants for his people. In this story, God is interested in having people believe in him. He rewards those who do believe. He allies himself with them, and fights off the destructive forces around them. His goal is to enlighten all of us that He created us, and that we were created to follow his way of life. He wants people--all of us--to live our lives with an awareness of who we are and why we're here.
The pastor asked, "Is there someone in your life who's in a battle?" Sara.
Lord, I want to hold onto this promise: "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I am not able to fix her situation. But You are. I beg you to step in. You can comfort her, soften her heart, give her some peace, move people into her life. You can change things, change her. I beg you to step in. Amen.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The BSF passage is Isaiah 6:8-13. God tells Isaiah to tell people about Him and to prophecy about the Babylonian deportation to come. The first question in the BSF homework is: What is God calling you to do for Him?
The first thing that comes to mind is: Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love others in His name. What does that look like for me? I'm already throwing my heart, soul, mind and strength into loving Isabel and Lily. It's so easy to do this. The inclination just pours out of me, no effort required.
Lord, I want this to be how I feel about everyone.
To love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength is to throw myself into loving Him. What comes to mind? First, our church search. I'm not throwing myself into it. I'm ambling along, disappointed and frustrated. I'm trying a new one each week, but I'm waiting for a church to reach out and grab me. When no church does, I simply don't commit.
For the marriage exercise for Next Generation Mentoring, we were asked to incorporate three verses into our quiet time. One of the verses is 1 Corinthians 9:25. "Run in such a way as to get the prize." I've been listless in my church search. I need to take initiative. Determine which churches I can live with, drop the ones I can't, and actively court those in the first category. Today we will visit Mount Bethel Methodist again. Next week, maybe Roswell Presbyterian.
Lord, I am ready to reinvigorate this process. I am ready to commit to a church. Please bless my family through this last stage. Lee is still holding onto Northpoint and/or Buckhead Church as a possibility. I'm leaning away from that option, but I am open to what You want for us. If that's the place for us, please make it very, very evident. I'm concentrating on Mt Bethel Methodist and Roswell Pres. I believe that You are present and working in our circumstances, and that, silent and invisible though You are, You will communicate with us. I am expecting this. Amen.
The first thing that comes to mind is: Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love others in His name. What does that look like for me? I'm already throwing my heart, soul, mind and strength into loving Isabel and Lily. It's so easy to do this. The inclination just pours out of me, no effort required.
Lord, I want this to be how I feel about everyone.
To love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength is to throw myself into loving Him. What comes to mind? First, our church search. I'm not throwing myself into it. I'm ambling along, disappointed and frustrated. I'm trying a new one each week, but I'm waiting for a church to reach out and grab me. When no church does, I simply don't commit.
For the marriage exercise for Next Generation Mentoring, we were asked to incorporate three verses into our quiet time. One of the verses is 1 Corinthians 9:25. "Run in such a way as to get the prize." I've been listless in my church search. I need to take initiative. Determine which churches I can live with, drop the ones I can't, and actively court those in the first category. Today we will visit Mount Bethel Methodist again. Next week, maybe Roswell Presbyterian.
Lord, I am ready to reinvigorate this process. I am ready to commit to a church. Please bless my family through this last stage. Lee is still holding onto Northpoint and/or Buckhead Church as a possibility. I'm leaning away from that option, but I am open to what You want for us. If that's the place for us, please make it very, very evident. I'm concentrating on Mt Bethel Methodist and Roswell Pres. I believe that You are present and working in our circumstances, and that, silent and invisible though You are, You will communicate with us. I am expecting this. Amen.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Fill me with Your Love.
Last night I went to bed with the children, at 9 p.m. I was guilty about it, because it meant that I was ditching Lee--as I've done all week. I am struggling with these early mornings with the Lord. In order for me to be able to be up at 6:30 a.m., I must be in bed by 9:30 p.m. This isn't hard for me--I prefer an early bed time. But Lee feels I'm deserting him.
Lee's been dealing with insomnia since he was a little boy. For the last few years, he's been taking the sleep aid, Ambien, which helps. But this week, he's been taking a different medication, to regulate his uric acid levels. If this medication works, he will avoid the extremely painful bouts of gouty arthritis that come on unexpectedly, and that cripple him for days. I pray that it works! Unfortunately, though, the medication counteracts the sleep aid. All week, he's been up until 3 a.m., and frustrated about it.
Last night, I knew that I should force myself to stay up with him, but I let my exhaustion overtake me. I woke up at around 1:30 a.m., and briefly considered joining him downstairs on the couch. But I didn't go--I just wanted to go back to sleep. I could hear him downstairs, cooking and watching TV and drinking wine, which he thinks will help him sleep.
A half hour later, Lee literally stumbled to bed, dazed by the wine. We talked for a few minutes, and then he was snoring loudly, passed out.
This is not how I want my marriage to be. Of course, I want him to change--to transform into a morning person who isn't plagued by these insomnia issues, and who doesn't need to drink to fall asleep. The second prayer request on DeMoss' "prayer template" (on page 245) is: Fill me with Your love.
Lord, fill me with Your love. Help me to love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Make me compassionate and sensitive to Lee's needs. Help me to give of myself to meet his needs, without expecting anything in return. I can't do this of my own strength, but I can do it with Your strength. I will submit myself to You. Help me to submit myself to You. Amen.
Lee's been dealing with insomnia since he was a little boy. For the last few years, he's been taking the sleep aid, Ambien, which helps. But this week, he's been taking a different medication, to regulate his uric acid levels. If this medication works, he will avoid the extremely painful bouts of gouty arthritis that come on unexpectedly, and that cripple him for days. I pray that it works! Unfortunately, though, the medication counteracts the sleep aid. All week, he's been up until 3 a.m., and frustrated about it.
Last night, I knew that I should force myself to stay up with him, but I let my exhaustion overtake me. I woke up at around 1:30 a.m., and briefly considered joining him downstairs on the couch. But I didn't go--I just wanted to go back to sleep. I could hear him downstairs, cooking and watching TV and drinking wine, which he thinks will help him sleep.
A half hour later, Lee literally stumbled to bed, dazed by the wine. We talked for a few minutes, and then he was snoring loudly, passed out.
This is not how I want my marriage to be. Of course, I want him to change--to transform into a morning person who isn't plagued by these insomnia issues, and who doesn't need to drink to fall asleep. The second prayer request on DeMoss' "prayer template" (on page 245) is: Fill me with Your love.
Lord, fill me with Your love. Help me to love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Make me compassionate and sensitive to Lee's needs. Help me to give of myself to meet his needs, without expecting anything in return. I can't do this of my own strength, but I can do it with Your strength. I will submit myself to You. Help me to submit myself to You. Amen.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I am spiritually weak, and I'm a worry wort. A terrible combination! It means I fret about everything, and manage to pray about only a fraction of it!
The BSF homework sent me to 1 John 4:10 today. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us. This comforts me enormously, and so does the biblical story of Esther. There's a beautiful passage about her in A Place of Quiet Rest on pages 244-5. "Totally apart from any initiative or effort on her part, God sovereignly arranged for Esther to be placed in a position of great influence at a crucial moment in Israel's history. Esther couldn't see the script God had written in heaven and was carrying out on earth."
This is what I cling to--that there is a script. I want to believe there's a script/plan/overall agenda. Scripture says God is involved in our lives. Ten, 15 years into being a Christian, I still struggle with believing this. So...I am choosing to believe it. Every day I am reminding myself to believe it. Esther had to get talked into it. I am not so different from her.
On page 243, DeMoss offers a sort of template for prayer. I will try to use it.
Guard my heart. Guard my motives, my attitudes, my values. Lord, please guard what I value. Please show me to want what I need, and not to want what I don't need. Show me what's important. Again, by listening to NPR today, You're teaching me. A family discussed their lifestyle, now that they've chosen to live on just $50K a year. Their 1999 car, which is only worth $4000, needs $2500 in repairs. They considered buying a new one, but that would mean higher car payments. So they will repair their car, paying it off month by month. This is the sort of complicated decision that throws me for a loop. I would have chosen differently. Won't they regret sticking with an old car that will eventually need more repairs? Finances are complicated. I need Your help. I think of the new patio dining set we just bought. At half price, it cost us $750. Still too much? Lee thinks it was a great deal. I'm not so sure. Do we need a high-quality set from Thomasville? Should I have talked Lee down? At what point do I simply support my husband, and when do I go along with him? I need Your help, Lord. When the next financial decision comes up, what then? Please help.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Today's Thoughts on 'A Place of Quiet Rest'
I've been slowly making my way through A Place of Quiet Rest--a book I'm reading for the Next Generation Mentoring program. Some chapters leave me cold. Others feel like they've been written to me, for me.
Today Isabel and I missed the school bus by 30 seconds, so I drove her to school (in my pj's and slippers, of course). When I arrived home at 7:25 a.m., Lily was at the door to greet me. Big smile. "Pancakes?" she said. There went my quiet time with God.
Page 112: "Don't look at prayer and Bible study as something you try to make time for. Look at it as a need--a need that, if not met, could have serious consequences....Our time with the Lord is the most important part of our day. If we only get that done, we've done the most important activity."
This whole week has been this way--good intentions thwarted. The "serious consequences" of not having my quiet time are:
--That feeling of never getting everything done. It's unattainable. Each day ends with me not having gotten to something.
--Exhaustion.
--Resentment towards loved ones.
--Worries over money, springing up anew.
--My yearning for God evaporating.
Chapter 11 has been a treasure trove of little nuggets for me to take away.
Page 234: "We don't pray, because we are not desperate. We're not really conscious of our need for God." I don't have a deep sense of my wants, or the mercies I'm in need of. This morning on NPR, I heard a brief interview with a "10-year-old girl with a brilliant smile" in Mogadishu, Somalia.
Today Isabel and I missed the school bus by 30 seconds, so I drove her to school (in my pj's and slippers, of course). When I arrived home at 7:25 a.m., Lily was at the door to greet me. Big smile. "Pancakes?" she said. There went my quiet time with God.
Page 112: "Don't look at prayer and Bible study as something you try to make time for. Look at it as a need--a need that, if not met, could have serious consequences....Our time with the Lord is the most important part of our day. If we only get that done, we've done the most important activity."
This whole week has been this way--good intentions thwarted. The "serious consequences" of not having my quiet time are:
--That feeling of never getting everything done. It's unattainable. Each day ends with me not having gotten to something.
--Exhaustion.
--Resentment towards loved ones.
--Worries over money, springing up anew.
--My yearning for God evaporating.
Chapter 11 has been a treasure trove of little nuggets for me to take away.
Page 234: "We don't pray, because we are not desperate. We're not really conscious of our need for God." I don't have a deep sense of my wants, or the mercies I'm in need of. This morning on NPR, I heard a brief interview with a "10-year-old girl with a brilliant smile" in Mogadishu, Somalia.
She was in the hospital after being injured in an explosion that killed two of her siblings. She had to have both legs amputated.
"I'm unlucky," she says. "When I grow up, I don’t know what I'll do, because I don't have any legs." Howa lost an older sister named Faduma in the attack. "Sometimes, when I sleep at night, I have dreams. I play with my sister," she says. "Then I wake up. This is my biggest problem."
When I heard this, I looked over at Lily, beaming at me, her sweet little face nearly bursting with that cute-pie spirit of hers. I thank God for her, for her safety and protection.
Lord, I pray for her protection, and for Isabel's, in this world where anything can happen. I am like Isaiah, who sees You and cries, "Woe to me, with my unclean lips!" (Is 6:5). I live like You don't exist, and then I'm reminded that I need You. I can do so little to protect them from the horrors that crop up in this world, but I beg you to watch over my children. They are so fragile, but You are on your throne. You see them.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Holiness and Glory
Today's BSF scripture is Isaiah 6:1-4. It's about God's holiness and His glory.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.
I have to sit with these words. I have to get past the Christians talking in my head. The earnest humans who read these words during church services and try to lead the attendees to new heights of understanding. It gets in the way. My mind goes immediately to their hypocrisy, or even just their inability to convince me of anything. The speaker on Sunday, at church number nine, wore a T-shirt and faded blue jeans, a calculated effort to make preaching (and God's word) seem hip. He spoke with sincerity, I'm sure, but he didn't sound wise to me.
These words of God's are themselves holy.
I fight against everything. I fight against myself. I'm fighting the clock right now, which says I have to wrap things up here before I've even had a chance to meditate on God's words.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.
Lord, help.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.
I have to sit with these words. I have to get past the Christians talking in my head. The earnest humans who read these words during church services and try to lead the attendees to new heights of understanding. It gets in the way. My mind goes immediately to their hypocrisy, or even just their inability to convince me of anything. The speaker on Sunday, at church number nine, wore a T-shirt and faded blue jeans, a calculated effort to make preaching (and God's word) seem hip. He spoke with sincerity, I'm sure, but he didn't sound wise to me.
These words of God's are themselves holy.
I fight against everything. I fight against myself. I'm fighting the clock right now, which says I have to wrap things up here before I've even had a chance to meditate on God's words.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.
Lord, help.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Another week of church shopping...
My alarm went off this morning, and I got Isabel out the door. But Lily had wet the bed (my bed, of course), and I had to change her. Then she needed me to lie down with her in order to fall back to sleep. It took over a half hour. So there went my time with God. I spent it with Lily, waiting for her sweet, little body to go limp again, for her breathing to slow down.
Now it's nearly 8 a.m. I have 15 minutes. Ugh.
Yesterday, I continued my church shopping. Visited church number nine. Lee stayed home with the girls. At this point, visiting churches has become such a chore, such an exercise in frustration, that I didn't mind letting him sleep in. Just go myself, I figured. Get it over with.
God is patient with me. He lets me arrive as I am, which means I don't pretend to feel anything. I am hopeful, of course, that this church will be the one. I try to see myself there, to see my family there. For the first 45 minutes, I try to see beyond the elements I don't like about church number nine. I accentuate the positive. I wait for God to speak to me.
I end up leaving early.
I've run out of new churches to try, so we'll begin doubling back now, giving some of the nine a second chance and a third chance, until we find a place where we feel comfortable. It's a process. I tell myself that this is how it works, how I work. I have to experience everything that's out there before I make my decision. Know my options. Now that I know them, my expectations are tempered. I am that much closer to finding a place to worship God.
It may not be a place where Lee can use his substantial musical gifts. Among the churches we've seen, it probably won't be such a place. But God is so much bigger than us. If He has a need for music somewhere, at some time, He'll lead Lee.
Lord, I know that You are either leading us to the church You've already chosen for us, or You'll meet us at whatever church we choose. Either way, You are there.
Now it's nearly 8 a.m. I have 15 minutes. Ugh.
Yesterday, I continued my church shopping. Visited church number nine. Lee stayed home with the girls. At this point, visiting churches has become such a chore, such an exercise in frustration, that I didn't mind letting him sleep in. Just go myself, I figured. Get it over with.
God is patient with me. He lets me arrive as I am, which means I don't pretend to feel anything. I am hopeful, of course, that this church will be the one. I try to see myself there, to see my family there. For the first 45 minutes, I try to see beyond the elements I don't like about church number nine. I accentuate the positive. I wait for God to speak to me.
I end up leaving early.
I've run out of new churches to try, so we'll begin doubling back now, giving some of the nine a second chance and a third chance, until we find a place where we feel comfortable. It's a process. I tell myself that this is how it works, how I work. I have to experience everything that's out there before I make my decision. Know my options. Now that I know them, my expectations are tempered. I am that much closer to finding a place to worship God.
It may not be a place where Lee can use his substantial musical gifts. Among the churches we've seen, it probably won't be such a place. But God is so much bigger than us. If He has a need for music somewhere, at some time, He'll lead Lee.
Lord, I know that You are either leading us to the church You've already chosen for us, or You'll meet us at whatever church we choose. Either way, You are there.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Belief in God, Even at Trader Joe's
Today's BSF reading was Isaiah 5:26-30. It's verse after verse of God's wrath, his vividly detailed judgement on people who were living carelessly. They were carrying on like He didn't exist.
The irony is that living without paying him heed is what comes most naturally. God is invisible and silent. I read about Him, like I might read about Tom Sawyer or George Washington. Then I close the bible, and the real stuff is right there. Isabel's school bus and Lily's school car line and groceries to buy and all the rest. To believe that there is something else going on, in an invisible realm, takes faith, obviously. But once you get over the belief part ("this is true, this is true, this is true," goes the mantra), then you must work to remember it's true. It's not a natural part of my thought process while at Trader Joe's, or during my writing work (TV shows, babies with fever), or amidst the scheduling of play dates. Sure, it's true. But I still have to make dinner.
In chapters 7 and 8 of A Place of Quiet Rest, DeMoss argues that a daily devotional (in the morning!) can transform you, because the bible isn't just a book. It's God's supernatural words, which can change you from the inside out if you spend enough time with them. "Martin Luther experienced the supernatural, transforming power of the Word that later led him to write, 'The Bible is alive, it speaks to me; it has feet, it runs after me; it has hands, it lays hold on me.'" On page 154, she writes, "Our hearts need to be tuned to the Lord, much as a musical instrument needs to be tuned."
The idea (which I've learned before, but which I always, eventually push away) is that living in faith doesn't come naturally. That's one of the insidious results of The Fall, apparently. Grace is free, but finding intimacy with God takes work.
The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. Technically, though, what He's given me is the instruction. It's up to me to read it.
The irony is that living without paying him heed is what comes most naturally. God is invisible and silent. I read about Him, like I might read about Tom Sawyer or George Washington. Then I close the bible, and the real stuff is right there. Isabel's school bus and Lily's school car line and groceries to buy and all the rest. To believe that there is something else going on, in an invisible realm, takes faith, obviously. But once you get over the belief part ("this is true, this is true, this is true," goes the mantra), then you must work to remember it's true. It's not a natural part of my thought process while at Trader Joe's, or during my writing work (TV shows, babies with fever), or amidst the scheduling of play dates. Sure, it's true. But I still have to make dinner.
In chapters 7 and 8 of A Place of Quiet Rest, DeMoss argues that a daily devotional (in the morning!) can transform you, because the bible isn't just a book. It's God's supernatural words, which can change you from the inside out if you spend enough time with them. "Martin Luther experienced the supernatural, transforming power of the Word that later led him to write, 'The Bible is alive, it speaks to me; it has feet, it runs after me; it has hands, it lays hold on me.'" On page 154, she writes, "Our hearts need to be tuned to the Lord, much as a musical instrument needs to be tuned."
The idea (which I've learned before, but which I always, eventually push away) is that living in faith doesn't come naturally. That's one of the insidious results of The Fall, apparently. Grace is free, but finding intimacy with God takes work.
The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. Technically, though, what He's given me is the instruction. It's up to me to read it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Not just hoping. Expecting.
Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:24-25)
For months I wasn't paying God much heed. Now, just recently, I am trying to pick up where I left off, acknowledging His existence. Prayer blog, BSF, Next Generation Mentoring. I'm making an effort. One thing has stuck with my from Chapter Four of A Place of Quiet Rest. It's the idea that my time spent with God (in the morning!) is the most important time spent in my day. Once I've done that, I've done the most important thing. This concept helps me, because I am ultimately a to-do-list maker, a time manager, a priority arranger. Most important thing done by 8:30 a.m.! Right on.
The Romans verse made me think of Sara (younger sister, dearest friend) and all that I hope for for her. She's been batted around for a long time now, with one sadness upon another, and she's frustrated and losing hope. I just want to make it better. On page 78 in A Place of Quiet Rest:
Now there comes to mind a friend who is in need. We would gladly meet that need out of our own supply, if we could. But our meager resources are not sufficient. Then we remember there is One whose supply never runs out...We go to His door and knock. When He delays coming to the door, we continue knocking, appealing earnestly for our friend in need, until He comes and grants our request.
Lord, I can't fix this situation in Sara's life, but nothing is too difficult for You. Show me how to be the sister that You want me to be. And please, please intervene.
The Romans verse made me think of Sara (younger sister, dearest friend) and all that I hope for for her. She's been batted around for a long time now, with one sadness upon another, and she's frustrated and losing hope. I just want to make it better. On page 78 in A Place of Quiet Rest:
Now there comes to mind a friend who is in need. We would gladly meet that need out of our own supply, if we could. But our meager resources are not sufficient. Then we remember there is One whose supply never runs out...We go to His door and knock. When He delays coming to the door, we continue knocking, appealing earnestly for our friend in need, until He comes and grants our request.
Lord, I can't fix this situation in Sara's life, but nothing is too difficult for You. Show me how to be the sister that You want me to be. And please, please intervene.
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