The Ignatian Workout, The Foundation (Day 5)

To summarize the principles of the Foundation:
My focus should be on my eternal well-being. Everything else--marriage, kids, career, friendships--should be approached in light of that. Purpose of my life: to praise, revere and serve God. I should view even my disappointments, frustrations and embarrassments through the lens of how they might shape my eternal well-being. I must not care about external things (health, wealth, reputation, etc.) but I should want only what I am created for.

Naturally my first reaction is the expected one: I fall hopelessly short of this ideal. I am more like the rich man in Jesus' parable than like Lazarus--I yearn for control and comfort. When I feel out of control or uncomfortable, everything is amiss. I am drawn to the idea that I can find God's peace by changing my outlook.

When it came time for me to meditate on these principles, my heart settle on the issue of marriage. Like everyone, Lee and I have good and bad days. I could list all the ways that I feel he fails to love me, but what a tiresome and mean-spirited way to spend my time. He says I fail him, too, that his behavior is a direct response to my own. (Of course I can't see the infractions I've supposedly committed.)

I shift my focus away from what I "deserve" and consider, instead, that God uses my circumstances to sharpen me. He is molding me into his image. He uses my central relationship to change me, train me. How can I revere God, and serve him, through my marriage?

Just for a minute, I will consider the 4th principle. I should want only what I was created for. What would I learn, how would the Lord train me, if my husband loved me perfectly? Nothing. If I want only what I was created for--to focus solely on praising, revering and serving God--then my husband's behavior shouldn't infuriate me. It should challenge me. It is an opportunity to grow in love. In Luke 6 Jesus said, "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them."

I am called to lift Lee up, to care for and comfort him, even when I feel that he doesn't do the same for me. The difficulty, of course, is that other, very legitimate voice in my head: "You are not a doormat, and no self-respecting person would let him get away with saying/doing what he just said/did."

But...if the purpose of my life is to praise, revere and serve God (and by these means to achieve my eternal well being), then perhaps during these moments of frustration, I could/should soften, give in, refrain from fighting back. In doing so, repeatedly, I create an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness. I've no doubt that living in that kind of atmosphere would soften Lee. And of course, I would pray for God's intervention in this, too.