Submission Part 2

Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your own husbands, so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.

It must be hard from Lee's perspective when I resist his spending choices. It's not just a matter of him potentially not getting his own, selfish way. It's also a matter of me judging his financial acumen, of me saying "you're not smart about money." This is not my intention, but that's what he hears. When your own wife/best friend doesn't have faith in your ability to manage money, it's a setback, emotionally.

I've said before that my problem is this dual role I feel I have to play in his life. On the one hand, I'm his lover and supporter. On the other hand, since I'm the only one he opens up to, I'm also the only one to hold him accountable. I've been told that I need to restrain his spending, which confirms my impulse to do so. But when I do that, I wound him.

These years of marriage, the ones that have already passed under the bridge, have taught Lee my strong views about his spending. He knows. That's a help to me now--an example of all things (even negative ones) used for my good. I can relax the "reigns," I think. He knows how I feel.

It's not just about money. He doesn't like to do anything that he himself didn't set his mind to. For months now I've been concerned about our swingset, which is over 30 years old and quite wobbly. When three or more kids are swinging at the same time, the whole thing rocks raucously. A few times, I've asked Lee whether it's safe. He dismisses me. "Yes, it's safe."

Last week, Hannah's dad (our neighbor), passed a comment about the swingset, with sort of a jokey, indirect offer to help make it more sturdy. He himself is a passive aggressive and sensitive guy (oh, these husbands!), and I acknowledged that yes, it's wobbly, without going any further. What could I say? This is Lee's department.

Later, I told Lee about it. I knew Lee's reaction would be sensitivity and a feeling of being attacked. I knew that Lee would see it as me and the neighbor ganging up on him, that he'd immediately turn it into "us against him." So I was careful to put it in such a way that Lee knew I saw things as us (me and Lee) against him (the neighbor). I wasn't drawing battle lines, but I knew that Lee would, and I wanted him to know that I was on his team. Because I am!

This worked. Lee was annoyed, but not at me. Then I dropped the subject. As I expected he would, Lee went out the next day and steadied the swingset a little bit. It's still not good enough, but it's better. And he's open to buying a new swingset, and so am I. At some point, hopefully, we'll find an affordable one. I checked Craigslist and then spent about an hour scouring the Web. Nothing. But maybe one of these days I'll find one for under $300.

I want Lee to know that I'm on his side, always. In the situation above, I relayed the information to Lee, and then I dropped the subject. This is submission, I think. It's not about leaving your brain at the door. On the contrary, it's about knowing when to back off, which takes a great deal of brain power.