Fading flower

The BSF passage today is Isaiah 40:6-8, a famous set of verses. 


⁶A voice says, "Cry!"
   And I said, "What shall I cry?"
 All flesh is grass,
   and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.
⁷The grass withers, the flower fades
   when the breath of the LORD blows on it;
   surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers, the flower fades,
   but the word of our God will stand forever.


Among the BSF homework questions is this one: What truths do you learn from these verses about what brings lasting satisfaction in life?


What brings lasting satisfaction in life is to "dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, gazing upon His beauty and inquiring at His temple." In other words, reading scripture and meditating on it, and letting it lead my life. 


How can I carry out Your wishes for Lily's schooling? I don't know if there is a right answer or a wrong answer. But if I have her do kindergarten twice, You will see her through. It will be all right. She is Yours.


I am uncomfortable about our debt. Your word warns against debt. But Your word also counsels me to submit to my husband, who's put us in debt and isn't as concerned as I am about getting us out of it. Show me how to walk this delicate line. Show me how to love and honor him, how to support him in the way he needs. He leads our family. I have to hang back and trust that He will lead us in the right direction. You are already beginning to work in His life. Thank you for the men's retreat, and for the men's bible study and music ministry. Show me my part in this.


I pray for my upcoming cruise with Sara. All that time to talk. I want to be a comfort to her, to help her. How can I help her? One possible way to deal with her despair is to stop seeing marriage as a quest. She can and should keep dating, but she can make an effort not to talk about it, or even consider it too much. Concentrate on other goals while also dating. She needs to feel reassured that all is not lost, and that this deadline is a self-imposed one. 


I pray for Lee and the children while I am away. Comfort the girls without their mom around, especially Lily who is still so attached to me. I pray for protection over all of us, so that we'll be reunited again on the 12th. They are so, so, so precious to me. 


I pray for my involvement at church. How am I meant to fit in there? Show me what You have for me to do. 


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by this Saturday, February 5. And I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by this September.


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Scattered

My mind is scattered this morning. I can't concentrate. I feel like there is no plan.

Of course, there is a plan. Jay and Ann are visiting today, staying over until tomorrow. I must clean the house. I must pick up some books at the library, and of course, get Lily to and from school. I need to do my assignment for Next Generation Mentoring, and plan a date night with Lee.

Lord, I've squandered my time with You this morning. Already I can hear Lily's footsteps on the stairs, and I haven't made time to pray. She just said, "I want you to make pancakes."


My time spent with You is precious. I pray that I will think of You today. I pray for protection over my children. The phone is ringing....


I pray for Sara and for my professional life.


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Dog Gone It

The BSF passage today is about a highway:
"Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it." (Isaiah 40: 4-5)

This reminds me of my favorite line in the Justin Roberts song, "No Spring Chicken." The song is a conversation between God and Abraham, and God urges Abraham to have faith in Him. He says:

"Just beyond your line of sight this broken road is paved, and paved with light."

Writing the words here doesn't do them justice. They come at the end of a beautiful, lyrical, lovely song about trusting God, and the first few times I heard them, I cried. I want to believe this!

The section title of the Isaiah passage above was "Consolation." Is it just coincidence that this was the message for me today?

Here's why I ask: This week I spotted a dog on the Atlanta Pet Rescue site that seemed to be the perfect dog for our family. Adorable, non-shedding, the right size, already housebroken, and only six months old. I filled out the adoption paperwork, waited until the day he was available for adoption, and made a plan to head over to the facility as soon as I finished volunteering at Isabel's school that morning. For two days and nights prior I had butterflies in my stomach. Was this our dog, which we will have as part of our family for the next 15 years? I was both terrified and gleeful. It certainly seemed like it was our dog.

Yesterday, the day he was available, I was about to leave to go to the facility, which had opened just 30 minutes earlier. I called to say I was coming, and the shelter worker told me that someone was there at that moment, and was in the process of adopting him. "You have to arrive early on the morning a dog is available for adoption," she said. "Three people applied to adopt him, and one of them got here first."

I was crestfallen. That sounds silly--it was only a shelter dog. But the reason it hit me so hard was mostly because my anxious nature won't allow me to go through the process of doing something new without physical stress symptoms. I hadn't slept in two nights, and my heart had been racing for three days. I was exhausted. And now I was exhausted for what turned out to be no reason. I was drained and heartbroken.

For years I've beaten myself up over these anxiety symptoms, which come on me for such silly reasons and don't go away until the issue is resolved. But I've come to accept them as part of my chemical makeup. I can tell myself, "Jen, this is silly." But my chest remains tight. Prayer during these symptoms doesn't alleviate them, and doesn't feel fruitful at all. But I know that God hears me.

Just beyond my line of sight this broken road is paved, and paved with light. The Lord has a plan for my family--even for something as inconsequential as our family dog! I don't want to be someone who gets wrapped up in small issues like this when there is so much real pain around me. But I also want to remember that just beyond my line of sight, there's a family dog for us in God's good timing. And a small joy like that one is part of the lovely world God created for us to enjoy.

Lord, I pray that You would find us a family dog in Your good timing, and that You would help me to remember that many of Your blessings are just beyond my line of sight. I love that biblical scene when You gave Elijah a glimpse of what was really going on around him in a time of great danger. For a moment, he saw 40,000 angels around him. I need to keep my focus on You, because I can't see what's really going on. 


What should I be doing professionally? Please show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Please, please reach out to Sara by February 5. I pray for our time together on the cruise, that You would guard my tongue and show me how I can lift her up. She is so sensitive and sad! Show me how to support her, to show her how much I love her. What does she need, Lord? Show me.


I pray for Lee, who comforted me yesterday about the dog. I pray for him as he struggles with Mom and Dad's decision to move here. Please work in this situation. I don't have the faintest idea how, but You know what's best. Show me the way I am to behave in this situation.


I pray for my sweet children, for Your protection over them. I pray for wisdom--show me how to train them up. Please be specific! Please show me that You are there!


In Your son's name I pray,
Amen

Stress

Today, Lee needs prayer. Yesterday he told me how overwhelmed he felt by the huge task of bringing the worship band up to speed. They are not musicians, and there are egos ripe for bruising. Plus, Lee doesn't like them. He feels he jumped into a time-consuming ministry that he hasn't enjoyed and doesn't expect to any time soon. Like me, Lee gets short of breath when he is anxious. How alike we are!

Lord, it is Your worship band, and Lee is Your child. You use all things for good for those who love You and are called to Your purpose. It's frustrating when we're trying to discern Your purpose. Is Lee meant to do this? Is he just reacting to being thrust into a situation that makes him uncomfortable?


I pray that You would move in this situation in some palpable way. So many things could happen--new musicians? I don't know, and my mind isn't nearly equipped to imagine what You can do. I only pray that You (a) give Lee a sense of peace that he is in the right place and (b) maneuver the situation to glorify Yourself. The worship band is, after all, an instrument to glorify You! This prayer must be within Your will--that You will be glorified through Lee's effort. 


I pray for our family dog. I'm up to my ears in dog research--goldendoodles and labradoodles, oodles and oodles and oodles. I am enchanted by mini labradoodles but put off by the exorbitant price. Yesterday, I saw an adorable "poodle mix" on a rescue site. Is this the family dog that You have for us? If so, would you please ease the way for us to adopt him? And warn me if it's a big mistake?


My shortness of breath continues. I think of the verse we just memorized: "I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Galatians 2:20) So this body of mine is prone to the physical symptoms of anxiety. I have to live in this body, and deal with these symptoms, but I don't have to worry about them. My malfunctioning body is just part of the broken world I live in. I can do my best to alleviate my symptoms, and I can focus on You. 


I pray for Aunt Terri, who is going through a hard time at work, and who is considering where to retire. Lord, if she decides to move to Roswell, please equip me to be kind and caring and helpful. 


I pray for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and I pray that You would show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In Your son's name, I pray.
Amen

Money, again.

Kind Hezekiah, the "good" king of Israel in Isaiah 38, asked to be freed from Assyria's oppression, and then asked to be healed from a terminal illness. God granted both requests. Two things I notice about this:

1. God is working directly with Hezekiah for things to happen right then. It's not about having faith that one day he'd join Him in heaven. It was about having faith that God was working right then and there.

2. When Hezekiah prays, he asks only that God's glory be vindicated. He is indirectly praying for himself (to be rescued from Assyria and from death), but his greater concern is for God to be glorified.

If MY greater concern was for God to be glorified, what would that look like?


I would pray for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You. But the idea is Your glory, not mine. You've given me certain gifts, and You have a purpose for me. I don't have to worry about making a name for myself. I just need to be conscious of the fact that I have certain gifts, that I CAN use them to glorify You, and that You'll make that happen if You want it to. 


Why do I want to write about You? Of course it's to succeed on the level I aspire to succeed--for my own enrichment. But it also may be because You've put it on my heart to write a book about You, and You intend to use it to enlighten others about You. It could be both of those things. It doesn't matter. I can relax and let You drive this car.


Lord, I come before You humbly to pray for my marriage. Lee asked me yesterday if I'd like to spend Memorial Day weekend at the Focus camp in Martha's Vineyard. He didn't bring up cost, of course, though I know that for two of us to fly from Atlanta to Boston, that would cost about $700. 


To me, being $16,000 in debt means that you don't take any trips, or make any big purchases, until you've caught up. Already I think we're going to face expenses that will hinder our ability to pay this down. Car repairs, home repairs, medical/dental costs. 


This is the same argument we have over and over and over. I want to tell him, "No, let's pay our debt first." But the broken record nature of this argument is getting really exhausting. He'll accuse me of not making "couple time" a priority (which is true, because to Lee, couple time always involves spending $, and to me, being conservative with our finances trumps romance). 


Lord, You have made me his helper. He is hyper-sensitive to criticism. The only help he wants is for me to lovingly support his every idea. You've linked us together because I have a gentle spirit, and he needs a gentle wife. This seems clear. But I am also more frugal than he is, and I do believe he needs guidance in this area. Bobby C is wonderful, and I am so grateful for him. But Lee is already beginning to discount Bobby, saying that it's not up to him what we spend our money on. 


I pray that You would show me Your will for how to spend our money. I don't want to spend it on plane tickets right now, obviously. But Lee needs a gentle wife, not someone who forbids him from doing what he wants. So, I pray that You would show Lee that this isn't smart--and do it apart from me. You took care of Hezekiah's problem without Hezekiah lifting a finger. All he did was pray to you, asking only that You be glorified. 


I feel 100% right about this: Pay down your debt before you do anything else. But of course I have to concede that my feelings are not reliable, and I am not always 100% right. This makes me anxious! My main goal is to be Lee's helper. Lord, would you please do the hard work for me? I can't be loving and gentle if I feel that Lee is not being held accountable. I want to trust You. If I am loving and conciliatory, will You protect us both from Lee's whims? Am I right to see things in this light? Lord, I'm going to wait on an answer from You.


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray for protection over my children.


In Your son's name I pray.


Amen

Retreat

Lee is at an overnight men's retreat. Is this answered prayer? He has never been to a men's retreat while we've been married. I may have suggested it in the past, but I don't remember. I only remember the status quo--which is that I know he'd never go on one, so I don't even bother asking. But here we are. He's on a retreat.


His old friend Tim is the new pastor of Eastminster Pres, and Tim has asked Lee to join the (really poor) worship band and help turn it around. The worship band guys are going on the retreat--I imagine that's how Lee got himself roped into it, despite his reluctance.


This is one of those things that I could have never made happen. Only outside circumstances could have brought Lee to the point where he agreed to do something so uncomfortable for him. 


Today's passage is Isaiah 37:1-20. The King of Assyria has threatened to march on Israel if Hezekiah doesn't surrender. Hezekiah isn't able to stand up to this attack; he needs outside circumstances to thwart Assyria. He sends messengers to his "God translator," Isaiah.


God speaks to him through Isaiah: "Do not be afraid of what you have heard. Listen! When he hears a certain report, I will make him want to return to his own country, and there I will have him cut down with the sword.’”


Hezekiah's role in this was to ask the Lord for help. Then God orchestrated the circumstances to protect Hezekiah through no outward move of his own. The Assyrian king got distracted, basically--then went home and got murdered. That's what it looked like. Invisibly, though, God's hand was in it.


Was God's hand in Lee's decision to go on this men's retreat? I have no idea. Lord, I'm straining, contorting myself to see You in my life situations. Are you showing Yourself to me? Did I read that passage about Hezekiah and Your invisible help for a reason? 


There are other examples of what could be answered prayer. I prayed about our finances, for You to open Lee up to the idea of a budget advisor. Then he met with Bobby C and totally loved the guy. 


I prayed that we would find a church we could both love, and the result was beyond what I hoped for. A friendly church close by which Lee feels comfortable in--and where we are friends with the pastor and his family.


What am I still praying for? For Sara's salvation, for some sort of spiritual book deal. For Lily's kindergarten choices. For whether You want us to bring a child into our home. What else should I be praying for?


I pray for the role You have for me to play at our new church. That You would show me clearly how I am meant to use my gifts to help. I pray for guidance on teaching and training up the children to know and love You. I pray for peace among my family as Mom and Dad work out the arrangements of buying a house in Roswell. 


I pray that you would bless my marriage, and that You would speak to Lee this weekend. I pray that You would open my heart to whatever Lee comes back with. I pray for our children, that they will walk with You, that You will protect them from all the awful stuff. Or be with them in the midst of the awful stuff, as a very real presence they can almost feel.


I pray for Isabel and Lily to develop an obedient spirit, to me and Lee, and to You.


In Your son's name I pray.


Amen

Signs

Today I read another Old Testament account of God agreeing to give a man a sign that He'd heard his prayer and would answer. In 2 Kings 20, King Hezekiah asked for a sign that God would heal him as promised. Hezekiah said, "Have my shadow go back 10 steps...And the Lord made the shadow go back."

Lord, I have asked You to show me You exist. I've asked for Sara to have an experience with Jesus by February 5, and for You to show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011. Lately I've been doubting You. But now again, today, I read a passage that signals your willingness to show me Your existence. I hold on in faith. Lord, if You make the miraculous happen with Sara, then how could I ever doubt You again? I want to "put feet to my faith" as Linda Dillow says. 


I continue to pray that You will show me what to do about Lily's schooling. I ask further that you would give me a deep peace about it. 


I want to pray about the return of my anxiety symptoms--shortness of breath, tightness in my chest. I am grateful that I know what this is, but I'm not pleased to be dealing with it again! I'm not sure what tack to take. Would Dr. Ali let me up my dosage of Zoloft without insisting that I do the impossible, and see a cost-prohibitive psychiatrist? It's not impossible, of course, but it would add to medical expenses that are already weighing heavily because of my dental bills. I want relief, but I don't feel right about spending money on a psychiatrist. Show me what You would have me do. Could this just be "breakthrough anxiety"? Might it go away on its own? I know that I'm in Your hands, and You're in control. I can live with it for the time being, but please show me if I need to seek help.


I pray for Lee, who is so anxious about this upcoming men's retreat. Is it answered prayer that he's going on the retreat and joining a bible study and joining the worship team? I know that I prayed for You to teach him Your ways. Thank You, Lord. Please ease his mind about the retreat, about all of it. I pray that he'll have fun, meet friends.


I pray for Isabel and Lily, that you would make them open to learning about You and to obeying me. I pray for my own sense of structure with them. Show me my next steps in guiding them.


I pray for Your protection over them, and I pray for their social skills, that they won't suffer as I did in school. 


What is next for me, Lord? I am chomping at the bit, professionally. But I will wait on You.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen