Quiet Time

I am really hurting over not having a quiet time with You in the morning. You know it, and I know it. I stop believing, and start letting the dreariness and disappointments of the world get to me.

I want to pray to You and ask You to make my morning quiet time possible again. But even as I pray it, I think about the fact that I've prayed for other things and nothing happened. When I am not in an early morning routine, spending time with You, this is where my mind goes.

I pray for it anyway. How can I get my quiet time back? It seems impossible right now. Can You make it possible? Lee doesn't seem willing to wake up earlier and take care of Lily in the morning. And if I'm being honest, I know that I wouldn't be willing to stay up late to take over one of his chores. So I'm stuck, waking up at 6:30 and not having a free moment to myself until 8:30.

I could start my iVillage work at 10 am. I could dedicate 9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m. to quiet time. This will be a hard habit to start, because I like getting things done early, and because there are so many things to tempt me away from You between 9 am and 10 am. I could commit to doing it...

Monday, 10/24: 9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m.
Tuesday, 10/25: 9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m.
Wednesday, 10/26: none because of bible study
Thursday, 10/27: 9 a.m. - 9:45 a.m.
Friday, 10/28: none because of Isabel's class party

I am convicted today to try to avoid things like gossip and TV shows that fill my head with thoughts that bring me down. Please forgive me for the gossiping I've already done today. Please guard my mouth today at Michele's house.

Rest

Lord,
As you know, I'm struggling lately with believing. I've put deadlines on prayers, which I thought you'd prompted me to do, and...nothing. I've had several prayers answered this year, of course. But nothing that definitively told me that YES you exist. I'm still typing into a chasm. And now that my schedule isn't accommodating You (driving both kids to school has taken away my A.M. quiet time), I just continue to drift.

I talked to Sara last night, and hearing the horror stories and the desperation in her voice, I want somewhere to turn. I know that I can turn to You, even when I'm not sure that You exist. It sure would be more comforting if I was convinced that You exist, but there it is. What I have is: 1) Many people believe. 2) The Bible is real, the actual pages and words and work put into it, and generations of millions have followed it. Tens of thousands have studied it since it was written, and it has not been debunked. It may not be proven to be true, but it hasn't been proven to be fiction, either. Those who consider it irrelevent don't have another suggestion or explanation for why we're here. 3) I myself have derived comfort from You.

Talking to Sara was very upsetting. I think I'll just present the circumstances to You. Leave them with You, who is all good, all loving, all healing.

There's the guy who showed up for the match.com date and sighed, obviously disappointed that Sara was not as pretty as her profile picture.

There's the guy who casually told her that he had another match.com date this week, and then sent a text to his friend that said, "No, I wish. Another girl, Sara."

There's the skinny, bald 40-year-old who lives in a garage crawling with ants and no light, and who is the only man who's expressed interest.


Lord, You are there. You are there? I'm going to go with the fact that You are there. You see these situations that Sara slogs through. You see how helpless she feels, how desperate.

I would like to give these situations to You. You take them and dispose of them, and fill her up with light and love instead. Take them away and replace them with light, and love, and hope. This sounds like I am ordering You around, the creator of the universe. How much easier it is to do that when I only half believe!

No, I am going to CHOOSE to believe. You say, Come to me, all you who are weary, and I will give you rest. Sara needs your rest!

In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Disconnected

There is a spiritual world that I cannot see. This world has order, and purpose. I long to be part of it, but that requires quiet reflection, and I have the material world to contend with.


Tomorrow is the first day of my Circle of Friends group at church. We are studying Becoming a Woman of Influence. We are asked who we'd like to influence.


I'd like to influence my children. My husband, my sister, my parents. I'd like to influence my children's friends.


What's stopping me? I feel pulled in too many directions. I want to get my work done, make lists and cross things off of them. Meanwhile, the spiritual world is there, and I feel like I can't enter it because of all these things to do first.


Lord, I pray for Lily today, that she will feel comfortable at school, that others will reach out to her and she'll reach out to them. I pray for You to watch over her, guide her. 


I pray for Isabel, that You would watch over her, protect her and help her to use her voice. I pray for Lee, that He will continue to seek You out and to do the right thing.


I pray for Dad, that I would be understanding and sensitive to his feelings, and loving, and grateful for all that he's given me.


I pray for Mom, protect her Lord, she is my greatest friend.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

Mercy

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners." Matthew 9:13


What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? To use my time? Jesus cares deeply about this. "I desire mercy," He says. What is it to show someone mercy? To forgive and to nurture.


Lord, this doesn't come naturally to me. I cannot do it without You, but then, You already know that. Your scripture is full of references to the Holy Spirit, which helps. Which overrides my own way of thinking. 


I pray for that today. Override my own way of thinking. You desire mercy, and You show me mercy. 


I'm resisting You. Why? Because getting up early is hard. Because I'm busy. Because I forget what it's like to follow You and have Your guidance. Then I stop believing that You exist, let alone that You offer guidance.


The Bible is teeming with cross references. Matthew 9:13 refers back to Hosea 6:6. The basic themes hold together, and intricately fit together. Let me see that as proof of something supernatural going on.


I pray that You will show me who needs You today, and show me how I can help. Dad? I will give him a call. 


I pray for Lily, who is frustrated and obstinate and full of tears these days. I pray that You would show me how to handle her. She is my sweet girl.


I pray for Isabel, that You would watch over her and protect her today. Keep her safe.


I pray for Lee, that You would be with him at work today, whatever's expected of him.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

mentor

For my Circle of Friends group, we are reading "Becoming a Woman of Influence."

The first question of the first chapter asks the reader to think of one older person who has influenced your life in a positive, spiritually challenging way. Describe what this person did to affect the direction of your life.

I would say Martha, my "Next Generation Mentoring" mentor. I admire the way she handles being a wife and mother. She confided in me that she wouldn't consider her relationship with her husband as a natural friendship. (I had just described my own relationship with Lee that way.) But she gently persevered in her marriage by seeing herself first and foremost as his helper. I've since read about this concept in books, but it was hearing it from her that inspired me.

Lee is my friend, and my husband. And I love him. I want to be his helper, even when I don't feel like it. It's hard, there are times when he hurts my feelings, especially in his dealings with my parents; but I saw how Martha pursued this goal of being her husband's helper in a steadfast way. And I know I'm capable of it, too.

Lord, I pray for Lee. I pray for his self confidence at work, and for him to know that I love him and am determined to be his helper for life. I pray for his safety and health. I pray that You will show me how to be his helper this week. He said last night that he'd like to start juicing again. I can make him juice, that's a start.


In Your son's name I pray.
Amen

I'm back. (You're still here.)

Anything I write today is going to sound canned. I have taken the summer off from You. You've stayed right here, I know. Here are things I've done:

Registered at a consignment sale as a "new mom" so I could get into the pre-sale. 

Gossiped.

Worried about my future, my "legacy."

Felt jealous, competitive.

Saw the young-looking women on the book jacket covers of the novels I've read, and felt frustrated, like life is passing me by.

Felt like I'm not living up to my potential.

That last one may be...true? Partly true? Only true if I stay away from You from here on out, but not true if I return to You?

I've been worried about the "life passing me by" thing a lot this week. Next week, I'll start a new bible study at church, reading the book "Becoming a Woman of Influence," by Carol Kent. In the first chapter, she writes about how Jesus interacts with Matthew, the tax collector. "Jesus saw who Matthew could become - one of His biographers! He saw weaknesses that could be turned into strengths. He envisioned a transformed lifestyle. A new passion. A tenacious loyalty." 

Today I pray that you will turn me back in Your direction, and that You will give me peace. I am greedy, always asking for something, and today it's peace I want. But I also truly do want to follow You with a tenacious loyalty.

"Consider the lilies of the field. They sow not, neither do they spin. Yet Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these. If God so clothes the grass of the field, shall he not much more clothe you?"

I'm back.

Sisters

This is an Elizabeth Elliot quote about parents. I changed the words to make it reflect sisters, because the same is true for them. 


"God knows the feelings of discouragement, inadequacy, and failure which conscientious sisters feel. But it was His idea to make them sisters and to give them this particular sibling. He knew they would not do a perfect job. He is Father to these sisters, and promises every kind of help they need. He stands beside them in every situation, ready to give wisdom as needed and grace to help in time of need if only they will turn to Him and ask for it. He teaches them how to love each other."  {Elisabeth Elliot}


Lord, I don't have time to pray right now. So here is my popcorn prayer: I feel discouraged, inadequate and like a failure as a sister to Sara. Please help. Change me. In Your son's name I pray, Amen