What's really going on.

"I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."   -- John 14:27

The small picture is that I'm anxious. The tightness in my chest has returned, and my inability to take deep breaths comes upon me randomly. I feel unmoored professionally, Writing for little money about TV. Trying to be grateful for that writing--which enables me to be a stay-at-home mother. I feel sad when I think about Sara, her loneliness and desperation. I feel frustrated by Lee's mood swings, his personality shifts. I am absent-minded.

The big picture is that God is with me, and that I am standing in the right place in the continuum of my life. I am right where I'm supposed to be. God is forming me through my experiences. He has something coming up for me. I must believe in the unseen, based on what I've read and on the experiences I've had before. I've been praying for certain things, and now I'm waiting. I am certain as I wait that those prayers will be answered in some way. This is exciting!

More than just that. God has an overall purpose, a bigger agenda that I am a part of. I just stick to my faith in Him, in His ideals, and He will do the rest. There is a spiritual battle being fought for my attention. He longs for me to see Him, to listen quietly for guidance and comfort. I can choose to give my attention to God. I can catch my anxious thoughts and turn them back to Him. I can ask, "What is God doing in this situation?"

Lord, what are you doing with me right now? I pray for that professional opportunity You have for me. I am expecting it! In the meantime, I'll just hold tight and keep my eyes and ears open.


Sara and I are leaving for our cruise in one month. I am hesitant to expect Your answer to my prayer about her. Not that I don't believe You are here, reading this, listening to me. You are here. But I know that You answer prayers in Your own way. Secular people might say I am a sad, naive little thing, praying to the air. But there is integrity in believing despite the lack of evidence. Generations of people have believed. Scripture has never been disproven. I want You to answer my specific prayers so that I can be sure You're there. But even if you don't, I will go on talking to You. You are here, reading this, listening to me.


Show me the way with Lee. I am selfish and not a saint! Soften me, please. Point out how I can love him today. Point out how I can love anyone today! 


I want to be more purposeful in teaching Isabel and Lily about prayer, etc. Please show me how to do that. Maybe during dinners? 


I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. I pray that You will show me an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You by September 2011.


In Your son's name I pray, 
Amen