Happy New Year

I'm reviewing some of my Scripture passages for Next Generation Mentoring.

"Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere." Ephesians 6:18

This I have not done for the last two to three weeks. I've had good reason--Christmas activities, a house full of family. But I have not have the peace and comfort of the Lord as I go through my days. Lee was often short with me, just plain mean for no reason. It's nothing new, but I've felt wounded by it, and resentful. Seeing my life not through the lens of Scripture is very disconcerting.

For a little over a week now, I've been feeling increasingly short of breath. I can't take a deep breath--only shallow, unsatisfying ones. When I am not thinking about it, it goes away (which is always quite the trick!), so I imagine it has to do with anxiety.

One of the bible verses for the next meeting is:

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:11-13

For me the third line would go, "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed by Lee's love and affection or hungry for it, whether living in plenty of his emotional support or in want of it."

I've been feeling resentful about Lee's behavior. His short temper with me embarrasses me in front of my family. His default setting is defensiveness and hypersensitivity, so I've learned that there's no use in pointing out his meanness. I do, anyway--in anger. But not, to my mind, as often as he deserves it.

Letting things go feels like implicit acceptance. If I don't say something to stop his behavior, isn't it like saying it's OK? The more he gets away with it, the more he'll do it, right?

At breakfast one morning with my family, I said that I didn't like what I ordered. My dad urged me to send it back. Lee said, "Jen." When I looked over, he was shaking his head in disapproval. To his mind, I shouldn't have said anything, just quietly ate the meal anyway. And he felt the need to let me know this in a stern way, right in front of my family.

Rage rose up in me. This harshness from him was just the latest in a string of meanness over the last few days--of uncomfortable moments when I held my tongue. But here I felt I needed to hold him accountable, to let him (not to mention my family) know that I wouldn't accept his meanness.

"What?" I demanded. He didn't look at me, so I raised my voice. "Lee, what?" I demanded again. Still he didn't answer. "Are you trying to make me feel bad?" I asked.

"You're making everyone else feel bad," he said. Before I could reply, somebody else, Mom or Dad, said something about what I'd ordered, and the conversation went off in a different direction. Lucky, I suppose, because I'm not sure what angry comment I might have made next.

So...back to the verse. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed by Lee's love and affection or hungry for it, whether living in plenty of his emotional support or in want of it."

I want to not just know, but feel, the secret--the way of being content in that breakfast situation, despite the lack of love from Lee. A loving, doting husband would have rushed in to care for me in that moment, not shook his head. That is NOT what I have. But I want a loving, doting husband! Why can't I have what I want?! I'm like a child, resentful about not having a perfect life. Don't I deserve this?

If I'm being honest, then I must ask: Am I the loving, doting wife that Lee deserves? Definitely not, not all the time. I try to be, and naturally I think I try harder than he does. But would Lee say that? No. We are both broken. The answer is to accept this situation.

Now, how to let go of my pride when he does this in front of my parents? And what of the accountability issue? How will he learn if I let these things go?

The answer is to just soften. If my family sees me deflect his comments, not get upset by them, then they will be more at ease about it. If I shake off his meanness, don't let it bother me, then he can't hurt me. Even if he goes on thinking it's OK to act this way, that won't be harmful to me. I'll have learned to accept this broken spouse and, meanwhile, to look to God for  comfort, peace, and fulfillment.

Yes, it still bothers me that I feel he ought to be held accountable, to know that this isn't the right behavior. But I can pray that the Lord will show him that. Am I being too passive?

I could see this as an opportunity to practice being meek and humble. The world prizes women who stand up to men, who don't take their verbal abuse. But the Lord loves a gentle spirit, in any and every circumstance.

Lord, I am so broken and such a novice at this. I want You to change me, to make me meek and humble and unconcerned about Lee's behavior. Maybe at some point down the line, when I'm spiritually filled and more mature, I can try to correct him. But right now I'm too broken myself to help him. And if I'm being honest, I don't really want to help him. I want to help myself by changing him.


I pray that You would help me in this. Heal my marriage. 


I am also feeling unmoored about my professional life. I've been praying for an opportunity to write a book that glorifies You, and I'm starting to doubt about this prayer. Have You heard me? I start thinking that I should be doing something more to make this happen. But I don't even know where to start, and I don't want to do anything without Your leading. So I wait. Please show me if I'm meant to be doing something.


I pray for Sara, that she'll have an experience with Jesus by February 5. As You know, I've begun to doubt this one, too. During her Christmas visit, I saw no sign of You. I just saw the same, sad young woman who so longs for companionship, and who's quickly losing hope of having a family of her own. Lord, I cry out to You, please get involved in Sara's life. 


I pray for protection over my children, my precious girls.


In Your Son's name I pray, Amen