Glory

I think I do want glory for myself more than I want to glorify God.

Question: Why do I want to write books?
Answer: Well, I am excited by a beautifully told story. I love it when I'm reading something magical, and a sense of awe washes over me. It lifts me up above the usual hum drum. I want to do that, to be the one who wrote it.
Question: But why?
Answer: Partly because I enjoy the process of creating something good. And partly because, like so many others, I want to make a name for myself. Selfishness.

But I am looking at myself through the filter of sin. When God looks at me, He sees promise, possibility. He sees all the good He could do through me--the messages He could convey. He sees the people who will relate to something that I wrote, who will learn something life-changing. He sees the people that He could reach through my work.

I wish that I could get out of my own way! Lord, I don't use You to move forward with my plans. You use me to move forward with Your plans. Please make me surrender my selfish self to You. I'm starting to feel stagnant, like I'm not moving forward. Like I only feel Your presence and Your power when I'm sitting here at the computer. When I get up, it goes away, and I'm on my own. 


People ask me, what are you going to do next, professionally? How will you use your time when the girls are in school full time? I feel a burden, a responsibility to do something worthwhile. But the most worthwhile use of my time is to do what the Lord leads me to do. What does that look like? I want to stop spinning my wheels, and just pray. Lord, I want the thing that You have for me to drop into my lap. I want to be able to recognize it when it does. That is my prayer, I'm officially praying it right now. I will look out for it, expectantly, between now and September 2011.


"Far too often people give up just before their breakthrough into the realm of answered prayer," writes Stormie Omartian in The Power of a Praying Woman. I'm going to keep going until I see something.

I pray that Sara will have an experience with Jesus by February 5. Amen